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Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by salamanda, Nov 26, 2010.

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  1. salamanda

    salamanda Member

    I constantly think about suicide. I've had these thoughts since I was a young child. A day usually doesn't pass by that these thoughts don't fill my head.. I could be driving with a friend and I will think about throwing myself from the car. I could be out eating and wonder how fast people would call 911 if I jammed a knife in neck.

    I've always known it's unhealthy but when I took medicine for about eight weeks when I was 15/16 (I'm 21 now.) I couldn't stand it. Stopped taking it. I don't go to therapy because I grew up in those offices and you get very tired of telling people the same bullshit everyday. and now, because of that, I can't ever talk about myself. Weird, I know but this thread is the most talking I've done in years.

    I think I just decided that if I don't talk about it the feelings will eventually go away, but they don't and I still can't sleep at night.

    How do I fix this? I can't go on like this anymore. Pretending all the time that I'm a normal human being. When really all I want is for everyone to leave me alone. Telling people about my problem will make them all ask me questions. I can't handle that.
  2. salamanda

    salamanda Member

    I guess I just want to know, on a scale how bad is a hospital. I mean I don't talk to ANYONE about my problem. How much do you have to talk?

  3. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i think it depends which hospital you are in. last time i was in the hospital i only met with the psychiatrist once a day, for about 10 minutes at a time. apart from that i was left alone. they did change my meds and kept me on suicide watch until the meds kicked in. once i started feeling better i went home and then did a one month outpatient group. that really helped more than anything.

    i think you should be open to going into the hospital. it can really help. let me know what happens?
  4. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi. Have you told a friend how you are feeling? If you are afraid to go to a hospital, then maybe you should tell a close friend about your feelings of suicide and get some peer support. You don't have to keep pretending that nothing is wrong, because it isn't healthy to keep it all bottled up inside. :hug:
  5. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    I used to think about suicide every day from being a young child. It all got mixed up in the depression when I would actually be suicidal and the good days when I wasn't actually suicidal at all but still thought about it every day. I didn't know why I still thought about it, I could be having a really good time but still think about it which seemed ridiculous.
    I eventually came to the conclusion that a lot of it was habit. It was like 'get up, have wash, brush teeth, consider suicide, get dressed' etc.
    I'd gotten so used to thinking about it that I didn't know how to stop. So I had to learn. Any habit can be broken.
    I still get suicidal when I'm in a deep depression but I've stopped myself from thinking about it the rest of the time.
    Do you really want to commit suicide or do you just think about it anyway?
    Tell us more about what got you here.
  6. salamanda

    salamanda Member

    I've always considered suicide. It's always been an option for me. I feel like it's not a habit in the sense that when I do think about it, I want to do it.

    I don't because I get too scared that if I don't actually go through with it, I'll then forever been seen in a different light.

    I've never been "happy." I'll put on a smile for the sole reason that that is what I am supposed to be doing at the time. I am not sure if I am making much sense, but it's the truth.

    I am like a rubix cube. Insanely complicated.

    Hospitals scare me because

    1.) Everyone will know about my problem. I also have to admit to myself that I am something that needs to be fixed. I'm not. I think I just hate people.

    2.) Doctors, people, everyone asking me questions. I don't really care about their opinion, I just want to stop wanting to kill myself.
  7. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    Um.. well duno if I can be real helpful.. when I was having suicidal thoughts, imagining things, and nighmares of suicide every night, the hospital gave me some medication that calmed it down enough so I could atleast not be thinking about it 24/7. Maybe the hospital may help u.. Just know personally for me I cant go to ERs.. bad ptsd.. even doctor offices.. but yea.. They should be able to help u.
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