Questions to Ponder, Answers You May Like to Know

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by demuredawn, Dec 26, 2013.

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  1. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    Just some questions I ponder a lot, maybe you do too about yourself... or maybe even about me.... but thought I'd share a bit:

    What would it matter if I wasn't on this world anymore? (It wouldn't.)
    Who would miss me if I wasn't in this life anymore? (Nobody)
    Why do I bother to keep trying to hold on? (force of habit)
    What hopes do I have for myself and/or my life? (none)

    Now... I know some of you may wish to argue some of those answers. So I will clarify right now. The fact of the matter is... I have no real life friends nor family that cares about me. Yes, I have some online friends that do care. Some of those friends are from this site... but I have also had times that I have had to be without internet for months on end. None of you or my other online friends would be able to say for certain, without a doubt that I did not just lose internet connection again due to lack of funds or etc. You may suspect the worst, but you would always hope the best, and that hope would be enough to get you through.... you may miss me for a time, but my memory would fade. I'm not really anything that special/important to make lasting impressions anyway. As far as why I bother to hold on ... yes, the reasons I give everyone are true, but its also true that even in my darkest moments when I want to give up ... I simply hold on due to the fact that I am used to relying on those things so even when I don't see the point in them or the use in doing them, I still try til I just simply get frustrated with it, and then I just give up. The last question is just plain fact, no arguing that... I have no hopes.

    Next set of questions:

    Do I have a plan for how I would like to go out/end it? Yes but I know better than to share it here.
    Do I have access to my plan? Yes I do
    Do I know when I want to do it and where and etc...? Some of those details, yes I do, some I don't really care if they are exact or not
    What is the likelihood of me using my plan? It fluxuates from moment to moment but its always a temptation.

    In short, yes... if I were to evaluated for suicide, I would probably be ending up in a hospital but I can tell you it would do me no good. Not because I don't want it to... but just because I have been there so many times for suicide attempts and ideations and quite honestly, the only new thing they could do for me at this point is if they discovered some new medication that they had not tried me on yet. The nurses there all pretty well know me and they have this belief that if you come in there so many times, you are just there because you see it as a safe haven, not because you want treatment... so they don't really take me seriously anymore anyway ... and yes, its the only hospital that I could go to.
    For these reasons (as well as b/c of my husband) I will not go to the hospital nor allow myself to be evaluated by a professional for suicide etc unless/until I know that it is emergency situation and at that point it would probably only happen if I knew that it was a possibility to help me with something.

    Now... all that being said... does that mean that I am pro-choice rather than pro-life? Nope... there is still a very big part of me that believes that we all have purpose and to take your life early in effect defeats your purpose.... its for this reason I am still pro-life rather than pro-choice... but, thats getting harder to maintain.

    I feel all of you and everyone else would be better off w/o me around. I feel that perhaps I upset everyone in some ways and people are just too shy/nice/sick of talking to me to say it. I feel I am insignificant and don't matter. I feel that I am fading.... and nobody is noticing, which is even stronger point to telling me that nobody would really miss me. Some of this is paranoid thinking perhaps, some of it is just stuff that has been drilled into me. Some it is deadly accurate tho too I think. I don't know .... but I do know that I can't seem to find a firm foothold on "getting back to stability again", so I thought I'd write this before I get so far lost that I'm beyond reaching.... anyways, there it is, do with what you will....
  2. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    Demuredawn, I'm so sorry you're feeling like that. It's so sad when you've tried to be there for everybody, but the expense of your own sanity or safety. You've expended so much time, love and support to so many people here and now you need some time for yourself. I don't know how to express my gratitude for you for reaching out to me when I really needed someone there for me, and YOU were, not anybody else. You have a big heart, but yet your heart suffers from pain too. You think you don't make a difference in this world if you died, but I think if I heard that you passed on, I would grieve and wonder why did I not intervene when I had the chance to? I think your impact to people you've reached out to here is tremendous and we would all miss you so much! I have a tear for thinking that you are so sad and forlorn. Maybe you are exhausted by trying to be there for everybody and now you need to take care of yourself. PLEASE don't do anything to yourself, only good things. You deserve so much more than you can imagine by the blessings you give to others. Please give yourself credit where credit is due. I can go on and on, but I hope you get the point of what I'm trying to convey. You are not alone, I feel your pain.
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hun you were there for me too ok you help me on such a very dark night YOU are SOMEONE very very SPECIAL hun and you will be missed and i care ok so please never believe you are less then you are. Please stay safe hun hugs
  4. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Member Safety & Support

    Dawn, I wish I had a magical answer for you. Then I could share it with everyone, including myself. But there seems to be nothing simple about this. And medicine does seem to be rather inept in dealing with it. I do know, that in the short time I have been on the forum, I have grown to like and respect you. I enjoy it when you are in chat. You share your woes, yet you also help to prop us up. I appreciate it. I guess we can never know what this world would be like without us. After all, life does not provide us with and angel like Clarence in Its a Wonderful Life. And life is not a Hollywood movie.

    While we may never be able to fully understand another persons feelings or situation, everyone here does have, at least, some idea. I have fought suicidal ideation for over 40 years. I guess the big difference, is that I have never acted on it. Not yet, anyway. I tried meds and counseling to no avail. I, too, have a method in mind and the means to carry it out. I don't know when or where or even if I will ever do it. But am glad the option is out there. A small handful of people would probably miss me. For a while. But we are all fated to eventually be forgotten. I certainly would make a few people angry. Like my brother, who would have to deal with the mess.

    I can't help but believe that we have to find the reason to go one within ourselves. We have to find our value within ourselves. We can't rely on friends and family. Its just not enough, even if we have them. We have to believe in ourselves. And, perhaps, in God. Although that is a huge struggle for me. I pray for death every night....and I'm still here. I pray for a job every day...and nothing. I learned very young that I was not good enough. My parents did not mean to teach me that, but it happened and I have not unlearned it. I think both you and I need to really believe that we have value. That would be such a great help.

    But I am glad you are keeping up the fight and staying with us. We are better off with you here. And as long as you are here, there is a chance that things will get better.
  5. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    Thank you for your kind thoughts and words and I am sorry I made you sad b/c of the misery I have... you have enough of your own. Thank you for telling me how much you think I'm worth because I needed to hear it... I don't see it in myself and I am told exactly the opposite most everyday at home. I believe though that even if I was not around, that there would either be someone else around to help you or else you would find the strength in yourself to help you.... not saying that you should value me less, just thinking maybe you are giving me too MUCH credit.... but its nice to hear anyway, so thanks :) It is also nice to know that I am not alone, though in some ways I wish I were because nobody deserves this kind of pain. Thanks again, and I hope all is well with you.
  6. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    thank you eclipse.. for saying i am someone special.... not sure I believe it, but its nice to hear
  7. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    She Bear,

    I have grown pretty fond of you when I see you in chat too, so thats a mutual thing.... thank you just for letting me know that you like me at all though. I know it may seem stupid or whatever being that most times when I'm in chat everyone is nice to me and appears to really like me and etc, but I easily can tell myself thats just them being nice... they don't want to hurt me... or they are tired of listening to me whine so they prefer just to say nice things to shut me up, etc. (and no i'm not saying that i think that is the reality all the time, but there are times my depression and paranoid thinking and etc convince me of that..and it has an impact on me that lasts even after i am able to convince myself that it wasn't rational thinking) I have been fighting psychotic depression for 27 yrs, with 7 attempts... so i empathize greatly with you having suffered 40 yrs. Most people tend to think that I am exaggerating things I think when I say that I have been suffering with it for 27 yrs.... or that I'm just flat out lieing.... its kinda nice to know that you probably believe me b/c you have been through the same and yet saddens me that you have been through it too. I think you are right that we need to find reason to go on within ourselves.... but the 3 reasons I have are weakening, mostly just cuz I'm growing extremely tired of fighting I think. I am not able to get to the doc so I do not have any meds or counseling at all this past year or so now.... and that affects me greatly too. Thank you for your kind words and well wishes...
  8. emily83

    emily83 Well-Known Member

    i'm not sure what kind of an answer you're looking for.

    when i first read the thread, i thought... okay, you want us to answer these questions too with our own opinion, then i thought.. well, maybe not, maybe it's more of getting your feelings out

    in either case, thanks for sharing... it's always good to talk
  9. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    sorry emily...
  10. scaryforest

    scaryforest Banned Member

    hello. feeling alone is a thing i can't really answer but i hope it gets easier for you and you get clarity, i really do
  11. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    its not really alone that i feel... its abandonment, rejection, a sense of not being good enough to even be acknowledged or cared for... etc
  12. scaryforest

    scaryforest Banned Member

    that feeling get more rare, stings a lot though. previous thing about clarity still applies
  13. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    thank you
  14. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    I'm not sure if you feel this way about yourself or if someone else has caused you to feel this, but I don't think it's an accurate perception of yourself. Of course, many of us view ourselves inaccurately because of depression and other issues we might have. For example, I think I'm just a bad person, while others seem to see my worth. Even if you think people wouldn't miss you here, or would be better off without you, it seems that you have already been able to help so many people and have a positive impact on their lives just by your words of encouragement. You don't upset anyone, or wound them, at least to my knowledge. I know how difficult everything is for you, but I hope you do stay here, and keep posting, because we want you to succeed and hopefully be able to take steps towards a better life.
  15. emily83

    emily83 Well-Known Member

    i kind of feel that way, i feel like when ever it comes to me needing help or needing support, i'm like pushed to the bottom of the list- so even if i was in a chrisis, and was about to do something bad, it would still be everyone else who gets helped first- in my case, probably the people not in instant danger to themselves, then people like myself- and even then, i'm treated like some sort of little kid.... people will come to make sure i'm suffering and give me the usual speech about getting over it and to not burden everyone else with my issues, then they'll go and help someone diffrent- who's not so much as danger to themselves as i am, but worth more of that person's time. trust me... i've had too many experiences where that's been the case- and it feels, yeah... it feels like i'm not even alive sometimes
  16. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member


    sorry you can understand and relate emily.... its not a good feeling at all
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