Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by demuredawn, Dec 29, 2013.

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  1. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    ok so heres the questions:

    1. can a person ask/deserve to be raped?
    2. does a person ever bring about their own abuse?
    3. is it ever the victim's fault?
    4. does a abused spouse bring it on themselves because they won't leave?
    5. what constitutes rape?

    here are the politically correct answers:

    1 no
    2 no
    3 no
    4 no
    5 anytime one partner says no and the other takes it anyway

    but.... are those answers truth?

    because these are the answers i hear all the time:

    1. depends: a) if the victim is male, its impossible to rape a man
    b) if the victim is female, it depends on how she dressed, if she got drunk or high, and if she tried to make sure she was safe

    2. if they antangonize the abuser, they deserve everything they get
    3. there are sometimes its true abuse, but most times its twisted to make it seem like it was abuse in order to make the victim seem innocent
    4. if he or she won't leave, that's his/her own fault, he/she knows whats going to happen if he/she stays, therefore, its nobody's fault but their own.
    5. if the victim is not sexy at all (either in natural looks, clothing, or from makeup), does everything to make sure they are safe including looking over their shoulder over and over and keep every bit of property (including beverages) within sight at all times, never make any kind of sexual innuendo at anyone or flirt, don't get high or drunk... then possibly it can be considered rape, but then the situation needs to be thoroughly evaluated to make sure there was no room for confusion, even if the rapist wasn't confused that the victim didn't want it -- if anyone else has any room to think maybe she or he did, then thats good enough.... oh and if you ever had a past relationship with the rapist, its never rape

    so tell me ... what is the real truth???
  2. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist


    No is the answer for these questions 1-4. Its not political correctness, it just IS. There is no grey area. For number five, its not just saying no - it can also include being pressured and coerced into doing things you wish not to.

    I'm sorry you have reason to ask questions such as these. :hug:
  3. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

  4. ronnymarie

    ronnymarie Guest

    JMO, but....

    The answer to #1 is absolutely not. No one, ever, deserves to be raped. I don't care how they are dressed, where they are, etc. Anyone who says otherwise is an idiot.

    #2 is also no. It is not the victims fault. The abuser does the abuse because they want power and control, and it has nothing to do with who or what the victim is.

    #3 never in the case of rape or abuse.

    #4 no, whether or not someone stays in a certain place does not mean they invite, or deserve, abuse.

    #5 anytime someone says no, it's rape. No really does mean no.

    The answers you listed are not only pc Dawn, they are the law.
  5. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    maybe the things i wrote are the law, but they are not the general accepted beliefs..... they are only accepted b/c they are law.... which is why they are the politically correct answer.... if the law redefined their answers to those questions, it would not be many at all that would stand firm to those answers....

    i want to believe the answers i gave as true but .... its not easy when you are constantly told that either a) what happened to you was not rape/abuse or b) you asked for it so it wasn't really something they should be punished for in regards to your rapes and told that you pretty much invite the abuse by staying in an abusive relationship and told that your attitude is why you receive abuse and you should not be surprised when it happens.... over and over and over again.... by both professionals and by friends and by acquaintances.....

    thats how i know its not the popular accepted belief..... and thats why i struggle with those questions and about the time i have the answers secure in my mind, someone comes along to really mess it all up again.... perhaps thats why i cannot heal from any of my abuse or from my rapes.... i am never allowed to think that i didn't somehow bring it on myself or that it happened the way i said it did or etc...

    how can you heal when you have to constantly 2nd guess yourself?
  6. ronnymarie

    ronnymarie Guest

    Dawn, the law isn’t the law because it is what everyone believes to be true, it’s the law because the vast majority of people know it to be right.

    There are laws against murder, rape, theft, etc., but there are people who want to feel for some reason those laws don’t apply, and they break them. That doesn’t change what the truth is, or the law. It just makes some people assholes for breaking those laws. And not everyone believes that every race should be treated equally, or that women should be treated the same as men, but it doesn’t change the laws, or what the truth is.

    The problem really isn’t what someone else believes to be true. It’s the lies we tell ourselves. Because ultimately, that is the truth we will believe in. I don’t care how many people tell you what happens is your fault, or what truth is, it is what you tell yourself that really matters.

    We all have those nasty tapes in our heads from the harmful people in our lives. They replay and tell us we aren’t worthy, we are bad, or ugly, or stupid, etc. And it’s damn hard to erase those tapes and get past it. But the worst thing we can do is to add our own voices to those tapes. No matter what anyone else says, every time you repeat out loud, or on paper, or on the computer, or even just in your head, that you are not worthwhile, you are not only replaying those bad tapes from others, your are imprinting more bad voices on those tapes. You have to stop saying bad things about yourself. I have seen others tell you how much you mean to them, how much of a blessing you are, etc., and I have added my own voice to that refrain. But you argue with us and tell us that while you appreciate what we say, you don’t believe it to be true.

    You have to stop doing that. Every time that little voice in your head tells you the bad messages, tell yourself mentally that it’s pure bullshit, and you won’t listen. Replace every one of those thoughts with a positive thought/message about yourself. It will take a long time, and it won’t be easy, but it can be done. I’ve been through it. And it does work.
  7. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    I'm not saying that the laws are made because it is what ppl belive to be true... I'm saying because it is law, ppl hold it to be true... but in private, they believe something totally different.

    While I will not deny that I do argue when people tell me I am good... I will flat out tell you that about the time I start accepting that I am good as people say, the tables turn and people tell me different... whether its on this site, or on other sites, or in my real life... it makes no difference. You say that it is wrong for me to say that I am a bad person, but if that is how I feel, how can you say it wrong to say how I feel? If you keep feelings in , they only grow stronger roots... when you let them out, you allow them to free from your psyche a bit, and if you are lucky enough to have someone around to hear it, and tell you that you are wrong and the reasons you are wrong... you then get ammunition to fight off the thoughts/feelings.... and its not a little voice, its a voice that does not go away and constantly screams at me... especially this past month. Like I said, I have fought off those voices before, so I know how to do the mental fight and how hard it is.... but if everytime you started coming clear to the other side when you could believe it to be true that you didn't cause the abuse done to you and that you are not a bad person.... how many times of being defeated does it take before you just give up? How long could you continue to fight knowing you will only be beat back down in the end?
  8. soulreaper

    soulreaper Well-Known Member

    see this was what I was talking about positive self talk, you sound bitter but seeing how much pain your in, it's an acceptable responance, stay strong my friend
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