Quick to obsses over

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by not my real name, Apr 30, 2008.

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  1. In another post I mentioned that I have a journal. I've written in it sporadically through the years since getting it in 01 but lately I've been writing frequently, almost every night. When I put down on paper that I will kill myself eventually a funny thing happened. The more I wrote, the better it sounded. The better I felt about suicide. Since then I've been noticing that I'm thinking about it...a lot. I'll hear the word spoken in my head, I've started imaging how I'll do it, when I'll do it. Due to circumstances I have several more years to go before my affairs are in order enough that I can end my life peaceably. I am worried that it will be a constant mental battle between my desire to die and the responsibilities that prevent me from doing it soon.

    What are things you've done to try and not think about it? Is it always a fight to not do it?
  2. theleastofthese

    theleastofthese SF Friend Staff Alumni

    To me it's a fight not to give in when things are really bad, which is often. I made a promise years ago to my oldest daughter (now the mother of my two grandsons) that I wouldn't kill myself. I am so torn between keeping that promise and giving up and giving in to my sometimes desire to end my miserable life. But I've so far kept my promise cause she told me that if I killed myself it would leave her in such despair it would pretty much ruin her life. And I can't do that to her, or my other kids. So I feel trapped in my life, forced to stay alive - for what? I don't want to destroy HER life but I feel that MY life has little value.

    I've felt trapped like this especially lately when all hell has broken out in my existance. I am not allowing myself to die in order to spare my kids the pain of their mother's suicide. So I suppose I'll be in this battle for the rest of my life. But I just cannot allow myself to do something that would hurt my kids so much. Not to mention I have two dogs I love very much and if I were not around I don't know what would become of them. And I can't hurt my dogs either. They are one of the biggest joys in this miserable existance and I can't abandon them.

    Yes, it's a struggle, but since I'm in my late 50s I figure I haven't got too much time left anyway, especially since I smoke a lot.

    :sad: I'm sorry I can't encourage you to live, sorry I have nothing positive to tell you, to give you hope.:sad:
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 30, 2008
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