Quickly getting worse

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by KnightFalls, Sep 5, 2013.

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  1. KnightFalls

    KnightFalls Well-Known Member

    I have not been able to keep more that 1/2 a can of soup, small amounts of oatmeal and a bagel down. This is total from the last 4 days. I have maybe slept 8 hours in the last 4 days. I keep picking my scabs and making new sores with my knife. I have stopped taking my SSRI and have now cancelled all appointments with my therapist. F*** him! I have had yelling arguments with my colleagues more days this week than not. I am bouncing off the walls and and hoping someone pushes my last button. I want to hit something. I want to hurt someone. I want to hurt myself!

    I say f*** it all!
  2. Psych77

    Psych77 Well-Known Member

    Knight, I have been listening to you. You're a good person, and you don't deserve all this suffering. Please get some help.

    What you are describing is most definitely treatable. Loss of sleep, loss of appetite, increased irritability, restlessness...they call it neurovegetative signs, if you care what the clinical term is. It's a part of a particularly severe depressive episode. The point is, all this you are feeling, all the things you are thinking right now - that is not you! A chemical problem in your brain is keeping you from acting, thinking and feeling like yourself. This is not the way you normally are. Trust me, this is not the way anyone normally is.

    OK, the SSRI wasn't working for you. Psychotropics can be kind of cagey; different people respond differently to them, and it's sometimes hard to find the right one for you. Please, get yourself back to your prescriber - call and say it's urgent.

    Actually, in the best of all worlds, you might do better at a hospital. I'm not saying that because I think you're psycho or something. In a hospital they can do things much faster - get you on the right medications, make dose adjustments daily, until they have it down pat. They can also get you on the fast track to a new therapist (I'm sure you know how long it normally takes to get a first appointment with a therapist - often the hospital staff can bypass some of that). You need to be seeing someone you can trust.

    Talk to your husband. Please. Tell him everything that's going on. And get help. This can get better!

    :hug: Please hang on. And keep us up to date.
  3. Psych77

    Psych77 Well-Known Member

    Knight - if you're still there, talk to me.
  4. KnightFalls

    KnightFalls Well-Known Member

    I am still here. I am being pulled in many different directions here at work. Making things even more difficult. I want to hurt someone big time. Just to into the office and beat her with my tactile baton.
  5. Psych77

    Psych77 Well-Known Member

    I don't mean to bother you at work (truth be told, I should be focusing more on my work). I was just really worried about you. I hope it gets better for you. :)
  6. KnightFalls

    KnightFalls Well-Known Member

    It is no bother. I cannot seem to concentrate anyway. My rage has gotten in my way. Honestly, I am so f***ing messed up. I hate everyone. I want to damage. I hurt. I want to vent. I want it all to just stop.
  7. KnightFalls

    KnightFalls Well-Known Member

    I just told my hubby how I feel. He apologized and said he does not know how to help.

    I am alone.
  8. Psych77

    Psych77 Well-Known Member

    You are not alone.

    And if you need to vent, put as much as words can express right here, and I will listen.

    But seriously, you are getting feelings that are out of your control. It really sounds like you need a different antidepressant. Sorry to nag, but I want you to feel better, and this sounds like something that you need medications to control - to get your own mind back again.
  9. KnightFalls

    KnightFalls Well-Known Member

    Thank you Psych. After getting into another argument with another colleague I asked my husband to see if the psychiatrist can get me in sooner than 2 weeks away. He is not able to so I am flapping in the wind trying to hold it together. I cannot go back to the doc that prescribed the SSRI. He told me I need to see a psychiatrist.

    Honestly, I am just so beside myself and don't know what to do. I don't want to go to the hospital but not sure what other choice I have.
  10. Psych77

    Psych77 Well-Known Member

    Well, I agree with your doc. You have severe enough symptoms that you need a specialist.

    I'm sorry you cannot get an earlier appointment. As for the hospital - well, no one wants to go to the hospital if they don't have to. But think of it this way; if you had pneumonia, would you hesitate to go to the hospital? Or bleeding severely, or heart attack?

    We tend to look at mental illness as being a different matter from those, and it is really not. This isn't your fault. You have an illness - this one just happens to affect your brain instead of your liver or heart.

    Sit down, take a deep breath, and get in touch with the rational part of you. Now, ask yourself, "How serious is this? What is the danger here? How long can I safely wait to get this treated? What will happen if I don't get this treated? How much of this is something I can choose, and how much is out of my control? What resources do I have to keep me stable until I can get treatment? Are those resources enough for the time I have to wait?"

    I think you can come up with the answer you need. Whatever that answer is. Just make sure you are taking care of you, getting your needs met.

    Take good care :hug:, and whether it's tomorrow or a week later, I will look forward to hearing from you again.
  11. KnightFalls

    KnightFalls Well-Known Member

    Psych, I reached out to my pcp. He instructed me to go to the er and check in to treated. He is concerned about the thoughts of death. I spoke with my husband. We will go there tonight after work.
  12. Psych77

    Psych77 Well-Known Member

    I know it's not a fun thought for you, but I'm glad you're going. I think it will help you. I'll be praying for you, hon.
  13. KnightFalls

    KnightFalls Well-Known Member

    If it is something I should do then why am I so nervous and scared about it?

    And my poor husband!
  14. Psych77

    Psych77 Well-Known Member

    Everyone's afraid of the unknown. It's natural. But you don't need to worry. Trust me - I've worked in many such units in hospitals. You'll be fine. The staff are usually very supportive, and tailor their approach to your current level of need. That means that they will respect the fact that you are an adult, an accomplished professional, and a responsible person who came to get an illness treated. Try to relax. You'll be OK.
  15. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    If you cannot get into see a pdoc sooner then the thing to do is go to the emergency dept of your hosptial and see the oncall psychiatrist who can prescribe you something different until your appt with your pdoc comes. There is always a pdoc on call so go into emergency if you have to ok You need and deserve the support now so please don't hesitate to reach out for it.
  16. KnightFalls

    KnightFalls Well-Known Member

    I am back on line. Was released yesterday afternoon. May also have a new therapist lined up. Scheduled for tomorrow, unless something happens during the intake call if when they call back. Hopefully it is an outpatient thing and not some sort if inpatient thing. That I cannot do.
  17. Psych77

    Psych77 Well-Known Member

    Knight! :hugtackle: I'm so glad you're back!

    How did it go? More importantly, how are you feeling?

    As for the therapy, I wouldn't worry. I have worked in several hospitals, and here is what I have seen when they do discharges:

    1) They send you home with outpatient therapy and a referral to an outpatient prescriber. That is the most common.

    2) They send you home with IOP - Intensive Outpatient - it means you are in a program every day for the whole workday, usually for a week or two, max - group therapy, individual therapy, etc. I wouldn't worry about this, because they would have told you if that were what they had lined up for you.

    3) Partial hospitalization - They don't feel like you really need the 24/7 supervision of inpatient, but they still believe you would benefit from participating in the groups and activities they have in the hospital. I wouldn't worry about this one, either, because, again, they would have told you that was the plan.

    From what you are saying, it sounds like you are outpatient. Hope this therapist is better than your last.

    Did medication changes help any? Did just getting out of the everyday world give your brain a chance to "reboot?" Still having suicidal thoughts? Still irritable and angry? (Am I annoying the hell out of you with all these questions?)

    I'm just eager to know how things went for you. I've been thinking about you the whole time you were gone. (I'm better at that than facing my own problems, I'm afraid)
  18. KnightFalls

    KnightFalls Well-Known Member

    Hi Psych. The experience was interesting. I was very surprised that there were not more group sessions to discuss coping skills. But I did comment with one of the therapists during one of the groups and I reached out to him once I for released. He is taking new patients and agrees to see me tomorrow.

    I am not suicidal and my rage seems to be at bay for the moment. They did out me on antidepressants and an anxiety med 3x a day. I am not drooling on myself but pretty damn close. They also gave me so e sleeping pills so I can get more than 2 hours a night. That has helped a bit too.

    I met some incredible people while in lock-up. Once on the floor and talking with people like me helped a great deal. I think it was the right choose. The first night was hard. But then it got easier.
  19. Psych77

    Psych77 Well-Known Member

    That's great.

    The sedation you are feeling with the medications is usually a transitory side effect - you get it for a while, but then your body gets used to the medication, and you feel more normal. Is your anxiety medication something with a sedative effect? Based on the dosing schedule, I have a suspicion of what it is, or at least what drug family.

    Yeah, getting sleep should made a difference.

    I'm so glad it worked out for you. Keep me up to date. ;)
  20. KnightFalls

    KnightFalls Well-Known Member

    It is a benzodiazepine. It makes it difficult to stay upright let alone wanting to rip someone's head off. I am also not keeping a log of thoughts, feelings and frustrations. My husband said he too will help me try to find more constructive ways to handle things. Thank you Psych for being here. You reached out to me and it meant a world of a difference to me, you will never know just how glad I am that you are at the other end of my emails. Thank you!
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