Quiet, Calculated Planning

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by TBear, May 27, 2011.

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  1. TBear

    TBear Antiquities Friend

    Oddly enough - I have felt in crisis before and the thoughts are wildly familiar thinking of differing ways to end the suffering...

    Lately the extreme emotional swings have been replaced by serene planning... A Last Will - analysis of results... effects of what each scenario would bring..... Deep sorrow, yet yearning and determination to end the pain -yields an eerie peacefulness.

    I can no longer take it - time to say good bye

    This is the only thing I seem to have motivation for....

    Feel so guilty for the pain it will cause my children and friends.... Hate that this means that the perpetrators will finally win - but I have no energy left to care........ even holding my new grandson - why does he deserve to have such a piece of garbage as me for a grandma... but can I hurt him and his mother - my daughter?

    Just spiraling downward, and no longer can fight the inevitable descent. There is nothing left to fight with, as much as I would like to believe that healing is possible - how long? No hope left.
     
  2. Warrioress

    Warrioress Active Member

    I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. You're NOT a piece of garbage. Be more gentle with yourself. There is always hope. You just have to open your eyes and see it.
     
  3. Black Raven

    Black Raven Member

    You have a beautiful grandson :) that's pretty damn special. And children... You have so much to live for. I agree don't throw away your life and let it win. Fight it... Do you have any support around you? How would your children feel if you left them?

    I unfortunately don't have children but I do have animals and they are everything to me. They make me laugh, brighten up my world and give me a reason to fight depression.

    Try and focus on positive reinforcements... I know how hard it is when your stuck down a dark hole and can't see any way out of it. But try and make tiny goals for yourself. Really tiny ones so that you can achieve them. Even if it's goin to visit your grandson and giving him a cuddle, or making a cup of tea. Tiny goals that you can tick off and feel like you've achieved something.

    You can do it!!! We believe in you!! And you ARE worth it!
     
  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Tbear, Don't listen to those thoughts.. They are lieing to you..Your life means more than you think.. I'm a grandparent also.. My grandaughter means the world to me..I could never do that to her.. Sure I have SI... Sometimes it gets the best of me so I log on here andtell all.. People I have never talked to come to my rescue..Let us help you..If it takes all day and night some of us will be there for you.. Take Care!!
     
  5. TBear

    TBear Antiquities Friend

    I am just so tired - even holding my grandson - or anything.... nothing is getting thru the numbness - the cold dark abyss of solitude in the middle of a crowd....

    I go through the motions one day at a time - a single mom working 50 hour weeks only to have to beg charity to provide my 6 children still at home with the bare minimum - co-pays to go to the doctor are sometimes too much and then the guilt when one of my kids needs something and I can't do anything for them.... I don't even have the time to spend with them most days.... and exhaustion sets in

    Why do I bother anymore - what good am I - I've been used and abused since I was 3 - the sadistic peadophile who was my father is dead, finally got the abusive monster I married out - but now the realization of what I have dealt with - I can't take the pain - the flashbacks - the hopelessness and lonliness anymore

    I always stepped in to protect the kids when I was home - but not me, no one ever protected me - who protects garbage... I took it so they didn't...trained well from my childhood to take it. So I have served my purpose: raped, beaten, work to serve others... I am tired and want to give up - it is too much...

    When it was all walled away, I could function - now what, I am old - thrown away like so much garbage by those who should have cared.... so tired..

    All that holds me here is I am all my kids have... no other family no one, garbage is better than nothing I guess... just want some comfort- peace - escape .... this hurts so much
     
  6. Black Raven

    Black Raven Member

    6 kids, working 50 hours a week. U sound supermum to me... Definitely not garbage at all. It saddens me to hear about your childhood. And makes me angry that people do that to innocent humans.

    How old are your children? Do they all live at home? Do you have a crisis place that you can go to? Or perhaps find a place where people in a similar situation as you can get together and talk.

    I really feel for you and it breaks my heart. I know none of my words probably mean anything to you. But your kids love you. And we are here to support you!
     
  7. fromthatshow

    fromthatshow Staff Alumni

    You are not a piece of garbage. You are beautiful. You deserve to live.
     
  8. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    we have lost enough survivors already
    don't let that monster win
    healing is hard and it takes a long time, i know, i've been dealing with my childhood rape my whole life, i'm 45 now.
    can you go into the hospital for a few days until you stabilize
    you are not garbage
    that is just one of the lies your abuser fed you
    don't believe him
     
  9. TBear

    TBear Antiquities Friend

    I'm 50 - lived with abuse from age 3 - 45.....

    NOT GOING INTO ANY HOSPITAL.... Can't trust anyone much... My old T who helped me thru lots, 4 years - dropped me - to an expert... he promised he wouldn't do that... even the therapist throws me out. The expert in trauma... he is OK - but I can't bring myself to rely on him

    Don't care.... my youngest child is 6....oldest at home is 20

    I am so stressed - so down - part of this is because I am trying to begin dealing with the traumas I have been through..... I was split into pieces mentally - to bring me back together - I have to deal with the pain, can't, hurts - it is so hard alone - and to try to be strong for them.... I haven't got much left - surprised I even posted - perhaps part of me wants another way out....

    The comments here do mean more than you realize... like water to someone who has been in a desert... I don't communicate much- or trust anyone enough to even tell them ... Only the T and my old T know that I was hurt in childhhood Many feel sorry for me and think I was weak to live with the abusive jerk I was married to - my kids know though...

    I don't want to be a supermom... I just want someone to care... and then I am back to the no one wants garbage. It is horrible to realize that no one has ever really loved me - my kids do, but I have to be there for them - not fair to lean on them, they deserve better.... Don't think I would even know how to accept someone unconditionally loving me... I'm too tainted

    Just have to make sure my will is legal and firm - so that their father doesn't get them... Going to try sleeping all Saturday - usually helps to sleep... plans aren't finalized completely, although I feel compelled to.....

    Thanks everyone, feeling rather numb and withdrawn...

    I'm gone
     
  10. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey TBear, If you need someone to talk to My PM box is always available.. Sometimes it takes a while to reply though..I tend to go a couple of days away from the forum every now and then..I'm 54 and can relate to what your going thru..I'm a male and was molested at 12 to 13 by a guy in my neighberhood..I've been mentally abused all my life from my GF's and Ex wife.. So anyhow I'm here..
     
  11. Black Raven

    Black Raven Member

    Don't give up. I don't blame you for not trusting anyone. There has to besomeone, some place that can help you. Your children are young, influential and need their mother. Dont give up on them and let their father win.

    You have posted on here, that's the first step to help. We all care jere. Vent away, write whatever you want but don't hurt yourself.
     
  12. TBear

    TBear Antiquities Friend

    Thanks to everyone here - you did get me to stop and think -

    Just this new eerie, calm feeling that it is the only way out of the pain ....

    Feel better after resting today -
     
  13. Black Raven

    Black Raven Member

    Yay that's awesome to hear your feeling a little better today :)
     
  14. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    TBear -

    Am also glad you are a tiny bit better today.

    What you have shared sounds so hard. Of course you are stressed with all you are doing, it must be hard to get a break - just to do something only for you. I'm the worst at doing this, but it is important, if we can make it happen for ourselves.

    It is exceedingly difficult to go through all this pain - I can relate, not only from things when young, but when older too. It is so hard to trust anyone when we've been through what we have. You were NOT weak to live with the abusive jerk. I did similar. Its so complicated when we are there, living it, and they do so well at manipulating us and our emotions.

    It looks like there are a lot of people here who care for you, and even though you don't know me, your post touched me too. You are NOT tainted nor garbage, as are none of us.

    Do I feel like I am garbage or similar at times - absolutely. Only my therpist has knowledge of some of the things in my life, thats it, no one else.

    Please keep posting if you feel it helps you and I hope you feel another tiny bit better tomorrow.

    Try and take some "me" time out for yourself doing something you honestly enjoy.

    Take care :console:
     
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