Quiet, please.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Lastnight, Feb 6, 2012.

  1. Lastnight

    Lastnight Active Member

    Tinnitus. The bane of my existence. I still remember the day I first heard it.

    I used to share a bed with my sister, and a greyhound (Really) and one night I heard ringing noise in my ears that just wouldn't go away. I've heard a similar ringing noise multiple times in my life before, but it always disappeared after a few seconds.
    I was starting to feel a little scared, but I proceeded to go to school the next couple days, as if everything were normal.
    On the third, I lost it, and started crying. I developed a habit or crying the noise I heard, not be being able to identify where it was coming from. Though it wasn't until two months later that I opened to my family and informed of the noise I was hearing. They said they couldn't hear anything, and told me it was all my head.

    Over time, I eventually dropped out of middle-school (Not because of my tinnitus, but I spare the details for now) , and began to live a bitter reclusive life in my personal bedroom.

    I experienced constant agony for little over a year, until I was finally able to identify what the noise was. I was looking through a old medical book in my house, and I searched up "Ringing in the ears" in the glossary. I was so relieved to find out that I wasn't alone, that I wasn't crazy after all - until I reached a certain point of the article.

    "Tinnitus, currently does not have a cure."

    I felt like all hope was lost for me. I wasn't the only person that suffered from tinnitus, that much was true. However, that did not change the fact that sleeping was an ordeal for me, that I often suffered constant headaches and earaches related to my tinnitus, that I would be stuck with an obnoxious, "fake" noise for the remainder of my life.

    I tried to bear with it for a while, but then something unexpected happened : the symptoms of my tinnitus worsened. I was using a leaf blower in the backyard the same morning, but as I turned off the leaf blower, I discovered that I now heard two different noises in both my ears. After I realized the new noise would go away, I began to freak out.

    I thought I was beginning to regain control of my life, but I was wrong.

    My life began to descend into a bitter, lonely, hate spiral. I identified everything by the negative, I no longer cared for anyone, and eventually grew to hate all life. I wanted silence. I wanted to die.

    Eventually, I grew to tolerate the noise, but my life was no longer the same.

    When I was 18, I partook in a trip to Nevada (USA) to visit family. Around some time in February, my tinnitus grew EVEN WORSE. It happened overnight while I was sleeping, and I discovered now heard three different noises in my ear.

    "What is this cruel twist of fate? Is this some sort of divine prank? Why me, of all people.... I used to bask in silence as a child, I disliked all forms of noise. I've been robbed of something very dear to me."

    My tinnitus was one of my primary triggers for my attempted suicide last year. I was obsessed with the noise, and was thinking about it constantly - I felt like I was unable to truly relax. I longed for even a moment's respite ....... even if meant sacrificing everything.

    I failed.

    Over the course of the past year, something changed...... I'm not sure why, but I feel like I have a desire to live now, even it means coping with my tinnitus.

    Do I still have chance at life? Turning a blind eye to the world has taken it's toll. I've grown to be quite a lazy person, who won't pause to think, but will hesitate to act.

    -I haven't been in school for seven years.
    -I've never held a job (I haven't even applied for one)
    -I'm neglecting to manage and maintain my health and hygiene, and my body is fatiguing because of it
    -I'm socially challenged, there's only 7 people I ever talk to, 3 of which I communicate with regularly
    -I'm an impulsive person who triggers easily
    -I posses few talents
    -I live in constant fear of loud noises and my tinnitus becoming worse than it already is

    I've joined this forum in hopes that I may reclaim my life. I do not know who I should depend on, or where I should start with my recovery.

    If you are fellow tinnitus-sufferer, I would humbly request contacting me. It would help me greatly to communicate with someone who understands my type of pain...

    I thank you for reading this. If nothing else, you've granted me what would be impossible on my own. With a pain caused by something as subjective as tinnitus, it helps to know that my problems are acknowledged by an outsider.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 6, 2012
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I definitely know what you are going through as the sound in my head is like an old air conditioner unit...it is worse when it is quiet in the house, or when someone is speaking with other noises...it does seem so unfair to never have quiet...but I have gotten used to it as well...at least there is some wisdom in my head as well...there are people who do not have tinnitus, but also have no sense, so I guess I am fortunate...hope it does not get worse...sometimes, when I need relief, I put on my fan or heater, depending upon the weather so that its sound masks the noise inside my head...at least I get a sense of control in that way...here's to finding new opportunities, and like me, you cannot let this be the reason why you shut out all the beautiful sounds that do exist
  3. Lastnight

    Lastnight Active Member

    Thank you for your post. It means a great deal to me.
    Best regards to you, I wish you the strength to cope with your tinnitus as well.
  4. Brokengirl123

    Brokengirl123 Well-Known Member

    Hi I just wanted to bump this thread to see if the users above still come here but also to see if there are any more tinnitus sufferers on SF.

    This is just one of many problems for me but it really is one of the worst and stops me dealing with the rest of my issues. It makes me want to end my life just to get some peace and quiet, and relief from it. It is hell and no-one will ever understand what it is like unless you have it :(

    Please, if anyone here has tinnitus or hyperacusis I would love to hear from you.