quit or die?

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by DarkLordVader, Feb 6, 2014.

  1. DarkLordVader

    DarkLordVader Well-Known Member

    today i had another health scare, the same one i had when i quit drugs and alcohol the last time. right now all i know is there wont be much drinking or drugging going on. i called mental health today and they told me i need a referral to their office, so tomorrow i am calling my new doctors office and making a appointment. i know that lately i have been somebody else and i hope i can get some support from those who believe in me. this is a very vulnerable time for me and i can use all the help i can get right now...
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hope the mental health team gets back to you quickly and can set you up with the supports you need hugs
     
  3. DarkLordVader

    DarkLordVader Well-Known Member

    going to take longer than i expected... my health care provider sent me a letter telling me who my new doctor was. i called today, they told me that was a error, so i spent a hour on the phone talking to a operator so they could tell me ill get a list of them in about 3 weeks.... talk about all the forces in the world wanting me to fail. i have no support system, nobody here and i will end up drinking in a few days regardless of my chest pains... because this world wants me dead... so be fucking it... i am tired of trying and getting shit in the end.... no wonder i hate the world and everyone in it.... my anger is so justified its not funny.... fuck them all....
     
  4. Kairo

    Kairo Well-Known Member

    I understand what it’s like to feel as though the world is delightedly throwing every possible obstacle in your way to make things harder. And the lack of support is just the cherry on top...
    But help is coming, you will meet your new doctor. I’m sorry things have been a pain...waiting is the worst part.
    Is there anything you can think of to do that might feasibly speed things up?
    Even if there isn’t, just know that you’ll get there one way or another if you want to.

    I really hope you’ll be able to take care of your health in the mean time...just be careful :(
     
  5. DarkLordVader

    DarkLordVader Well-Known Member

    sitting here every day doesnt help matters and no there is no way to speed up the process....
     
  6. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Member Safety & Support

    Darkness, I am really glad to hear that you are going to try and kick the drugs and drinking again. Don't ever quit trying. No matter how hard they make it for you. You are a worthwhile person. You deserve to be drug and alcohol free.
     
  7. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I know you're frustrated, and I don't blame you; I would be too. But even if it takes longer than expected, it's worth fighting to get the help you need. There are people here who care and will support you every step of the way. Hoping you don't give up!!
     
  8. DarkLordVader

    DarkLordVader Well-Known Member

    its not easy when you have 100 triggers a day...
     
  9. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I know. It's not easy at all. But you're stronger than you think.
     
  10. DarkLordVader

    DarkLordVader Well-Known Member

    no i am not... i want a drink so bad you have no idea............
     
  11. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    DarknessWithin. I had similar thoughts today but like you I find each day a struggle. I wonder around everyday trying to cope but each one of us are still here. People smile at me, I smile back but they don't know the pain I feel inside. It's hard my friend. Please keep posting as we all support each other. Respect
     
  12. DarkLordVader

    DarkLordVader Well-Known Member

    feel like shit, cant sleep for shit...
     
  13. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Wish I could do something to help make this easier on you, but just want you to know I care.
     
  14. DarkLordVader

    DarkLordVader Well-Known Member

    i know, its something i need to battle right now... hopefully i can overcome this madness...
     
  15. Kairo

    Kairo Well-Known Member

    If you think it’s going to be hard, or even impossible, to refrain from drinking etc. could you maybe find a group for support? AA or some such thing?
    Maybe you’ve already considered this...
    But it might help a lot to just get a little understanding from some people.
     
  16. lautanner

    lautanner Well-Known Member

    Darkness, you are trying to quit cold turkey on your own???? My god, the strength and willpower inside you is amazing to me. I send you all my love. We really care about you and you are going to beat this shit. You are going to show them all how strong and amazing you are, Darkness. So proud of you. I think about you every day.
     
  17. DarkLordVader

    DarkLordVader Well-Known Member

    all i can do is try, right?
     
  18. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    Hey Darkness...I know how you feel. I'm also an addict, and I know that it seems like the world wants you to fail when you're busting your ass, trying your damndest to fix your life, and there's just one obstacle after another constantly getting in your way. You start feeling like maybe all you were ever meant to be is a junkie because nothing else is working out. You gotta try to remember, though...granted, I don't know what you were on exactly or for how long or how bad you got...but usually when an addict tries to get clean, they pretty much have to learn how to live life all over again. You might make mistakes, you might fail here and there, but that doesn't mean that you weren't meant to have a normal life. To try to paint a better picture for you, addicts can be compared to children in a lot of ways. They're impulsive, have no patience, very self-centered, and think that the world revolves around them. It takes a while for children to learn to let go of those behaviors, and they experience plenty of hardships along the way before they develop into responsible adults. It's pretty much the same for us, even though we're already adults, we've forgotten how to behave like one. We have to learn how to be dependable, honest, and responsible people all over again and it doesn't happen right away. I'm a heroin addict, I've managed to stay away from it for almost a year now, and I'm still struggling with my past addictive behaviors. I'm still very impulsive and impatient. If I'm trying really hard to do something and it doesn't work out for one reason or another, I still automatically freak out and give up rather often. As for the triggers you're talking about, oh yeah, they're everywhere. Like I said, I've been clean almost a year, and they're still everywhere for me even now. Although, over time, I do give you my word that triggers start disappearing little by little. It was a lot worse at first than it is now, but I also won't lie and tell you that it'll happen quickly or that they'll disappear completely because they won't. Actually, I shouldn't really say "disappear" per se...because it's not that they've disappeared, it's just that you'll start learning how to cope with them little by little. Like I said, I don't know any details about your particular situation, but if you're expecting this to be easy just because you're ready to get help, it's not going to be. But try doing this...think about all the lengths you used to go to in order to get high or drunk when you wanted to badly enough. Now ask yourself what lengths are you willing to go to to get help now that you want to change your life?
     
  19. DarkLordVader

    DarkLordVader Well-Known Member

    the bottom line for me is, it either works or it doesnt.... if i cant do it alone then it wont work for me. i refuse to beg for help other than going to mental health. i dont need people around me telling stories or ordering me around like i am some child. i know right from wrong, lies from truth, i dont need a teacher. i will never succumb to any group or organization for aid, because to me that shows weakness and i am not weak. i have stayed sober before with NO help and i can do it again. regardless of the length of time i am clean, its what i do. maybe all i need is 3 months clean and it helps me feel better. sometimes thats it and then i am back out. i am never going to sit here and say i will never drink again, that is a flat out lie... i am sorry but that is who i am, and that is how i will die, drunk.... alone....
     
  20. Concrete_Angel

    Concrete_Angel Forum Buddy

    I'm here if you ever need to talk to somebody :)