Quite hopeless, really.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Panicsaurus Rex, Apr 16, 2014.

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  1. Panicsaurus Rex

    Panicsaurus Rex New Member

    Hi. I feel silly posting here, because I don't think my situation is terrible compared to a lot of people here, and I don't want to take attention away from people who are in crisis.

    I'm not in crisis, exactly, but I can tell I'm going to kill myself somewhere down the line. It probably won't be for months or even years, because I'm very very lazy, but it's become a nagging thought that won't go away. I'm 37 now, haven't lived much of a life, and I don't have any hope of leading a life worth living in the future.

    I guess I have social anxiety. I learned in grade school and high school that people were mostly out to make me miserable, and that didn't change later on in college or in life. I know intellectually they're not doing it on purpose, but I would avoid people rather than learn the social games, not knowing how important it was to just push through and figure out how to interact. So I've been gradually, for my entire life, withdrawing and spending more and more time on the internet or playing video games. I've dropped out of college half-a-dozen times, I haven't dated much, I don't have much work experience.

    A lot of the time I don't eat when I'm hungry. Practical things, like cleaning up my apartment or shopping for groceries, make me so panicky that I end up pacing around muttering to myself. Then I just give up and get back on the internet.

    I think the problems started when everyone started dating in junior high and high school, and when I realized I had no idea how to do that myself, I just died inside a little. My motivation for doing everything else was kind of tied to that desire for physical connection, and since I didn't think there was any hope in that area, everything else became unimportant. Not overnight, but gradually. I'm sure there were other factors as well.

    I'm in therapy and I've been in various types of therapy for years, but I don't see how it's supposed to help at all. It's just talking with somebody in a room. It doesn't help with questions like "What should I eat for breakfast?" or "How can I ever start dating?" or "What am supposed to be doing all day?" I mean, there can be answers to those questions, but they don't help much when it comes to actually solving problems, because the therapist isn't in my apartment with me when it matters. I need someone right there when I try to be productive or I just get anxious and quit right away. I don't have any discipline whatsoever. So therapy just feels like I'm throwing money away.

    I've had quite a few therapists and life coaches throw around the word "accountability", but it's just a word. Saying I'm accountable to you doesn't make me accountable unless there's actual consequences.

    I'm lucky in one respect. I came to New York a couple years ago and took some improv classes, and made a few friends, so my social life is better than it has been for many years. I don't let on with most of them how messed up I am, but a few of them understand. I try not to put too much burden on any one person. Still, when I'm out with friends and the topic turns to dating and sex, I get pretty grumpy and resentful. I usually just excuse myself, since most people react really badly to the idea that someone never learned how to date. It freaks them out a bit, and therefore makes me feel like more of an alien.

    This post is a lot longer than I meant it to be.

    I don't really even need emotional support. I need life skills, and some way of making them regular habits. I need to have experiences, so I can grow as a person. I've lost so much time and potential by hiding my whole life. It's hard to believe that there's no help for me, but talk therapy isn't it. Support groups seem like just more talking. And there don't seem to be any classes or support for someone like me, and you'd think there would be, in freakin' New York City. It's all Yoga and Homeopathy and Neurofeedback and a thousand other placebo effects for already functional people who want to be even more functional. I can't find anything practical.

    I don't know what to do. I'm not actively suicidal, not yet, but someday I will be. I was hoping that randomly someone here would have some ideas I haven't explored yet, so I don't have to get to that point.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Well i think you should talk to your therapist about what is important to you like life skills he can help you with that
  3. Panicsaurus Rex

    Panicsaurus Rex New Member

    Well, I guess this isn't the place for me to get feedback. I guess I'll just have to wait until I'm actively suicidal. Hopefully that won't be too much longer.

    I haven't found that any of my therapists can help with life skills at all. It's always the first thing I bring up. It doesn't matter how much we talk about it during that hour. It doesn't mean that I'll put any of it into practice when I'm home by myself.
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