I have been smoking for about a year. I smoke about 20 cigarettes every three days. Not a huge amount, but still damaging I guess. It's the way I smoke as well. I try to get a rush off them, so I barely take my mouth off the cigarette as it burns and I inhale deeply. I smoke roll-ups and regular cigarettes. I also drink alcohol. Some weeks I'll barely drink, others I'll drink 15-25 units a day. Sometimes I drink and smoke at the same time, which is apparently very very bad for you. I want to quit these habits. I do these things partly because I don't see why I shouldn't. I don't see a future for me. Even if I don't go homeless or starve from lack of money, I'll probably live alone and die alone, with no one respecting or wanting me, and this makes me upset. Well perhaps that's just a case of wanting what I haven't had (a relationship) to see if it's a cure for my sadness. The point is I'm living alone with sadness and anxiety most days. But it seems that most people get meaning from their interactions and relationships, and I haven't had much of that in 10 years (I'm 22). Sometimes it looks like my best future is either working in a supermarket every day then going home to sit alone in a small flat (nothing wrong with that, but it doesn't appeal to me, having experienced working now through lots of voluntary stuff I'm currently doing), or having no job and living alone in a small flat (again, nothing wrong with that if you're unwell or the job market sucks or whatever, but it wouldn't make me happy). I think I'm going to have to leave university with my mental health issues. I try to see a future. I'm going to a metal and wood work thing tomorrow to see if I should do an apprenticeship in these, but I just don't see how I can build a life off doing such an apprenticeship, or even if I could stick such an apprenticeship out, given my history of unreliability. My parents are reasonably well-off, so it might be irrational to be worrying as much as I do about money (I'm aware that smoking and drinking cost money, so you could say it's a bit of a silly response to money worries to go out and drink and smoke) and homelessness, though I'm still at risk. I still have realistic things I'd like to do in life, even without a relationship. I love my guitar, my drawing, listening to music and my books. I have quite a lot of novels I want to read and about 300 maths textbooks I want to read in my life time, so cutting my life short goes against this ambition. I'd love to write a novel or make a guitar album or something, but I know this is unrealistic. One thing is, I stupidly went out and bought 20 cigarettes and 12.5 g of tobacco earlier today, and I still have it. I don't know what to do with it. I hate to waste things. My mental health diagnoses are schizophrenia, social phobia and Asperger's.