It was 8 years ago, and it happened on my birthday. I went to my boyfriends best friends apartment, my boyfriend was being a jerk at the time. so we were having fun, when he decides we should do some acid. I was young and stupid, so i went for it. I remember him feeding me pills, so many pills, and then I blacked out. next thing i remember is being in the shower with him, and he had me bent over and was raping me. I blacked out again, and then we were in his bedroom, he was holding my wrists down, and it was all so surreal. i remember bits and peaces of the rest of the night, i tried to go out to the payphone to call for help, but the "friend" and a bunch of people stopped me and walked me back inside. I remember being terrified, and cold because i had thrown clothes on while soaking wet, and no one cared. I was having a really bad trip, and all i wanted to do was go home, but no one would let me.... i woke up two days later naked on the fold out couch. Everything hurt, especially the places the guys decided to have fun with. i lost two days of my life, i don't know who was in me, what they did, if there were pics... and i told no one... a few friends, but they didn't believe me. I have lost everyone who mattered to me in my life, i just pushed them all away. i can barely sleep, and when i do, i don't want to wake up. I've tried to kill myself twice, but people found me and saved me. all i want is to go back to that night and tell him no, and just go home. but i can't. i don't know what to do. i just don't care. about anything. the man i'm with now can't help me, he just doesn't get it. rape is not something you just get over. i hate myself, i hate my life, and i feel so isolated from everyone and everything around me. i cry all the time. i look in the mirror, and i just want to punch the face staring back at me. this has been going on for 8 years, and i just can't do it anymore. i don't want to live, but i aparently am no good at offing myself, so i can't do that either. i think i need help.