Rahhh!

Nightmare day. I don't think I can do the job. I will blog about it in more detail (tomorrow) but in short it ended in in the ED not as a patient but with one. I was dealing with the same people who had seen me last week as a crazy fool and I was the support worker of a person who was there with mental health issues. I was stared at. The first nurse who I am actually on first name terms with looked so puzzled when he saw me and before he could get anything in there I was like I'm her support worker....

I was stuck in the ED with people staring at me for nearly 6 hours. I was freaking out big time as I knew she was going to be assessed by psych medicine. And I had to hold it together. I looked more anxious and aggitated than the person who was under assessment. I was the one with the shakes.

Now, all I can think about it self harming and attempting. Am I really going to go through this the rest of my life?

I was having massive paranoia attacks while I was there thinking they would be sending psych to assess me. They probably should have been. In the end it turned out to be crisis team...which could turn out to be worse being as though I am under them at the moment.

Fugly nasty nurse was there also. Luckily I didn't have to deal with her. I'll hand it to her though. I have seen her in the ED a couple of times now while I have been there in a professional capacity and she has never even talked to me. Considering it was her who had a go at me last Saturday night when I was with the police I thought she would give it a bloody good go getting her two pennies worth when I am sober, as she didn't hold back last week at all!

I am proper freaking out about this. It's stupid how it's making me feel!

 

that sounds really rough. i know you want to graduate with the rest of the class but do you think you need a little time off, time to heal and get better? to focus on being well? just thinking out loud.

 

I'm sorry that you are struggling so badly. Just try to keep in mind what a good thing you are doing. You always have here to vent and get the support you need hun :arms:

 

I am not putting off uni again as I am ill. I know I wont go to graduation if I don't know anyone. I want to go to graduation with my friends off the course. My parents are already going on about it and I still have 18months to go. This is the one thing that is holding me together. If I mess this up then I have nothing!

 

I'm really struggling tonight as I know I have a weekend of nothing. I am not so bad in the week (in the day, at night it's pretty bad but I know I am back the next day and I have people that I need to see or people to call) as I can keep myself busy and on the go. I know as soon as I stop I go mad. I know I can't always be at work. I can't always be super busy. If I have other people that I HAVE to be right for, people that rely on me to give them support, people that rely on me to be doing something for them, people around in the work that means I have more jobs to do than the time is physically possible. If I have got a massive work load on that there is no time to do anything then I am ok. I can't do anything at the weekend. I can't be that person. I am back to being of me. That's what I can't deal with!