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Raison d'etre

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by impuissant, Nov 14, 2008.

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  1. impuissant

    impuissant Member

    Things are so fucked up right now, it's unfathomable.

    By best friend in the entire world, the only person I have, my raison d'etre, caught me trying to kill myself.

    I suppose I should've expected he'd find out one day. But not today. Not like this. Maybe at my funeral, but...

    I feel so goddamn selfish. Once he patched me up, we had this long, I don't know, heart-to-heart talk. He started crying, and I mean it when I say that kid never cries. I've known him since the first grade and he's only cried in front of me once. And there he was, sobbing, completely breaking down and it was all my fault.

    He was moaning on and on about what a horrible friend he was, mainly because he never connected the dots between the subtle signs that there was something wrong with me. I tried to tell him differently, but he wouldn't listen. He just kept crying. And crying. And crying.

    Why, during all of those sessions of planning the most efficient ways to off myself, did I never once think about him? I'd thought he would be happier without me following him around like a lost puppy all of the time, being a constant rain cloud over his parade. And yet there he was, crying because he'd thought he'd almost lost me. How could I have been so stupid? More importantly, how could I have been so wrong?

    Am I a sick fuck for being relieved that he'd gotten so upset? Because even though he's bent out of shape, and worried sick, and scared out of his wits about me (I actually had to wait till he went to sleep to type this, as he spent five hours watching me read a book), I feel happy. Happier than I have in a really long time, actually. It's messed up, really messed up, I know. And I feel horrible for causing him pain, I swear I do.

    But he cried over me. And I don't think I'll ever forget what that means.
  2. Oak

    Oak Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Sorry you felt you had only this option to find peace but you are so fortunate to have such a good friend that cares more than he can express it to you.
    I might be wrong but are his feeling only friendship or is here more to it?

    Be stong hun, as you see you are not alone and people care about you

    all the best and be strong

  3. impuissant

    impuissant Member

    To be perfectly honestly, I've been wondering the same thing. The guy who caught me, he just, I don't know. You know the type: Hates the world, rebellious, anarchist, I'll-beat-the-shit-out-of-anyone-for-no-reason, too masculine for his own good, really. He's sarcastic, acts really rude to strangers, and insults all forms of authority. In short, he's a jackass to just about everybody. Even to all of his friends, girls and guys alike.

    Except me, and that was even before he knew I was so messed up. He's always been super-cool to me. In fact, one of his previous girlfriends broke up with him because she thought he spent way too much time with me, and it was 'suspicious'. And he broke up with another girl because she publicly insulted me. People I don't even know has asked me if there was 'something going on' between us.

    This whole crying, refusing-to-leave-my-side thing (in case I try again, because I couldn't easily promise I wouldn't) is new to me. He keeps holding my hand and watching me and all of these things, they don't make any sense, you know? He even assured me that he'd 'be beside [me] forever' earlier today and kissed my cheek.

    It doesn't make any sense, but I can't say that I don't like it.
  4. Oak

    Oak Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Strange how blind people can be at times. Stop looking further than your own nose and look under, whats awaiting under your nose. Someone loves you its as plain as that. Normal you kinda like it, and if you allow him, he can help you more than you could immagine. :)

    Why do we have to look so far ahead and forget to look what is so close to us? Look at what you've got and enjoy the beauty of it hun. Either it is pure Love or pure friendship but i'd guess for the first option :)

    good luck
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