Things are so fucked up right now, it's unfathomable. By best friend in the entire world, the only person I have, my raison d'etre, caught me trying to kill myself. I suppose I should've expected he'd find out one day. But not today. Not like this. Maybe at my funeral, but... I feel so goddamn selfish. Once he patched me up, we had this long, I don't know, heart-to-heart talk. He started crying, and I mean it when I say that kid never cries. I've known him since the first grade and he's only cried in front of me once. And there he was, sobbing, completely breaking down and it was all my fault. He was moaning on and on about what a horrible friend he was, mainly because he never connected the dots between the subtle signs that there was something wrong with me. I tried to tell him differently, but he wouldn't listen. He just kept crying. And crying. And crying. Why, during all of those sessions of planning the most efficient ways to off myself, did I never once think about him? I'd thought he would be happier without me following him around like a lost puppy all of the time, being a constant rain cloud over his parade. And yet there he was, crying because he'd thought he'd almost lost me. How could I have been so stupid? More importantly, how could I have been so wrong? Am I a sick fuck for being relieved that he'd gotten so upset? Because even though he's bent out of shape, and worried sick, and scared out of his wits about me (I actually had to wait till he went to sleep to type this, as he spent five hours watching me read a book), I feel happy. Happier than I have in a really long time, actually. It's messed up, really messed up, I know. And I feel horrible for causing him pain, I swear I do. But he cried over me. And I don't think I'll ever forget what that means.