I am the Host of a DID system. For non-DID people, I understand that it can be very difficult to wrap one's mind around DID. For the sake of communication, the best way to think of it is that I am just one person / personality, but that most of my emotions/thoughts and several of my memories are cut off from my conscious awareness most of the time. My alters are not actual separate people inside of my head, but rather they are cut-off parts of myself. Anyway. I have several alters who are extremely suicidal, and the way it going in my therapy treatment, they are getting riled up more and more frequently. They are starting to make me very nervous. I am experiencing very dark, frantic suicidal feelings at least twice a day/night (depending on when I am actually awake), sometimes several times. These alters' influence are coming and going. I'm grappling with objective understanding that these are my feelings, but at the same time they feel very out of my control, the subjective experience that they are not actually my feelings. I guess I am just growing increasingly worried and thought I'd 'vent' about it a bit. I'm getting this passive-influence right now as a I type this. It's this intense feeling of hopelessness, like there is no way out of our situation but death. It's especially flustering because I am cut off from the thoughts/reasoning they have for feeling this way. All I get is the feeling itself. I feel hopeless, myself, because I wish I could just take meds like antipsychotics or something to make this all go away, but because it is a trauma-based disorder, not only are meds NOT a solution, but I actually have to allow these crazy suicidal feelings to surface in order to process stuff. Stuffing them down or blunting them only prolongs the issues and makes things worse. I know I sound really judgemental and I apologize for that, but from my perspective, I see people with bipolar or depression disorders refusing to take their meds and it chaps my buns. I only wish I could just pop a pill to stop this ####storm. I really don't know how to handle this process, of therapy and healing and such. I'm not supposed to repress or stuff down these feelings, but when they are riling up like this, it poses an obvious risk. But then at the same time, on the opposite end of the spectrum (from being judgemental), I see people here who have been struggling with suicidal feelings for months or even years, yet you all have made it this far. I feel like I can't handle letting these feelings come up for even hours at a time. I guess I don't have the same experience of flexing my will power and holding on for (literally) dear life that many of you have. It's like I'm much weaker in comparison.