Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by PezKraft, Oct 26, 2014.

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  1. PezKraft

    PezKraft Member

    I am the Host of a DID system. For non-DID people, I understand that it can be very difficult to wrap one's mind around DID. For the sake of communication, the best way to think of it is that I am just one person / personality, but that most of my emotions/thoughts and several of my memories are cut off from my conscious awareness most of the time. My alters are not actual separate people inside of my head, but rather they are cut-off parts of myself.


    I have several alters who are extremely suicidal, and the way it going in my therapy treatment, they are getting riled up more and more frequently. They are starting to make me very nervous. I am experiencing very dark, frantic suicidal feelings at least twice a day/night (depending on when I am actually awake), sometimes several times. These alters' influence are coming and going.

    I'm grappling with objective understanding that these are my feelings, but at the same time they feel very out of my control, the subjective experience that they are not actually my feelings.

    I guess I am just growing increasingly worried and thought I'd 'vent' about it a bit. I'm getting this passive-influence right now as a I type this.

    It's this intense feeling of hopelessness, like there is no way out of our situation but death. It's especially flustering because I am cut off from the thoughts/reasoning they have for feeling this way. All I get is the feeling itself.

    I feel hopeless, myself, because I wish I could just take meds like antipsychotics or something to make this all go away, but because it is a trauma-based disorder, not only are meds NOT a solution, but I actually have to allow these crazy suicidal feelings to surface in order to process stuff. Stuffing them down or blunting them only prolongs the issues and makes things worse.

    I know I sound really judgemental and I apologize for that, but from my perspective, I see people with bipolar or depression disorders refusing to take their meds and it chaps my buns. I only wish I could just pop a pill to stop this ####storm.

    I really don't know how to handle this process, of therapy and healing and such. I'm not supposed to repress or stuff down these feelings, but when they are riling up like this, it poses an obvious risk.

    But then at the same time, on the opposite end of the spectrum (from being judgemental), I see people here who have been struggling with suicidal feelings for months or even years, yet you all have made it this far. I feel like I can't handle letting these feelings come up for even hours at a time. I guess I don't have the same experience of flexing my will power and holding on for (literally) dear life that many of you have. It's like I'm much weaker in comparison.
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    While I am not going to try to make any gueses or suggestions about DID , and I am a big Proponent of trying medications as one method of helping to resolve a lot of different mental illnesses and conditions and believe they work in the vast majority of the time if taken correctly, I have to say your statement that " know I sound really judgemental and I apologize for that, but from my perspective, I see people with bipolar or depression disorders refusing to take their meds and it chaps my buns. I only wish I could just pop a pill to stop this ####storm." is far from a reality. Even when the meds do work, it typically takes several tries to hit upon the right combination and in no case is it like a magic pill or penicillin where you take the meds and are cured-- at best it makes things more tolerable so you can cope well enough to manage to make yourself better through lifestyle changes and making better personal choices.

    So far as how you are supposed to handle your situation, it clearly needs to be managed through a Psychiatric professional , and with DID I suspect that is very difficult to find a competent one that wants to treat. I wish you the best of luck with it and hope you find the help you need to manage your situation.
  3. PezKraft

    PezKraft Member

    Yes you are correct. I apologize for my flippant statement. I was ranting based on my own personal experiences. I tried an antipsychotic once years ago when I thought to have bipolar disorder. It resulted in me switching, and per witnesses I was happy, social, energetic, etc, but I don't remember any of it at all. I lost several months of time to an alter that seemed to respond to the Zyprexa. I should have known better though that people who actually have disorders like bipolar and depression probably don't get instant results.
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