Stupid, pointless, idiotic...Even one of the Samaritans didn't like me very much, I think. I wrote a long rambling email and got back an email that consisted of about 5 questions. That was about it. No advice, nothing, just questions. Without any question marks, too. And I got a bit upset about it and emailed back. And went and scraped some skin off my chest. Watching some tiny dots of blood appear was fascinating, just seeing them pop into being, knowing I'd done that. It doesn't even hurt today, so that's some advantage over cutting. The other ones hurt the next day, I don't know what I did right last night. Probably the only thing I've done right in a while. It's never enough. No matter what, it's never bloody enough. I'm sick of this, today I was lying in bed fantasising about slashing my arms. I wish I could just do it and be done, and then go to sleep and never wake up. Never face the consequences. Damn real life. Damn internet. Damn me, for being such a loser and a waste of space. And getting people worried about me, I'm sorry, I should just keep my big mouth shut, at least when you know who I am. You probably don't, right now. I wish I could just keep my mouth shut altogether, but it keeps spilling out, all this crap, all these words I don't want to say, don't want to even think but that keep going around and around in my head. I wish I could just get them to stop, get it all to stop, shut it all down for good. I feel like my hands are flying faster and faster over the keyboard, like if I tried I might be able to take off and go soaring into the sky, but where would I land? Bumping back into reality, church spires and god only knows what. I want to tie ropes around my mind, keep it still, in one place, stop it zooming away without me. But it does it anyway, it always does. The tapping sounds so far away, the keyboard, for some reason. I don't understand it. I don't understand any of this. If he wasn't calm, why did he act like it? If it affected him as much then why the HELL didn't he say something? Talk to him, he says, but he's not there, so now who do I talk to? People offer, but I can't explain everything, because they probably won't understand it all. And it's so bloody stupid in the first place, the rest of it, that even I wouldn't want to listen to it. I wish I could disappear.