I'm not sure where to put this, so if its the wrong place apologises. I've purposly stayed away from the boards as I know I'm in bad/dangerous place at the moment and I don't want to cause upset, or worry anybody, or even for people to see a post "from that one" again and make judgement on me. Nothing has changed in terms of my moods, and "self destructive" behavious...I have tried to speak to my doctor, CPN, even a "addicitons" group but I've got nowhere, seems you bang on doors, smash windows, shout loudly but your still welcomed with the BIG REJECTION button, or they just see me as so many people do and have, a STUPID LITTLE GIRL. I'm not good on talking on the phone so to contact people is a real struggle as I don't know what to say, my mind goes empty and words just fall out like "oh sorry, shuoldn't have called", or i just hang up. I know I need someone to help/guide me, espcially in talking about things. I keep taking overdoses not in a sense that it will kill me striaght away anyway, but what the "professionals" regard as an overdose. Everyday I get myself in such a place that all I want to do is cause myself harm, cutting doesn't work for me anymore, yeah sometimes I still do it but now I jump from the urge to cut, arguing in my head, to taking the pills (maybe if cutting helped again I wouldn't jump, its the lesser of 2 evils!), I even gag when I now take them, can hear you saying then stop but the gaggin just makes me more determined to swallow them, pathetic I know, so why don't I stop...why isn't knowing what I am doing enough to stop me? what is it i hope to achieve? what do I want? I honestly don't have the answers, I know the questions but not the answers..... I'm not saying, right that's it going off now to kill myself as I'm not, I know I need help, I'm just such a freak, a mess, a weirdo, that I actually don't even know how to help or look after me..... sorry this isn't making any sense.