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rambles, shambles

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by lost_child, Feb 12, 2009.

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  1. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    I'm not sure where to put this, so if its the wrong place apologises.

    I've purposly stayed away from the boards as I know I'm in bad/dangerous place at the moment and I don't want to cause upset, or worry anybody, or even for people to see a post "from that one" again and make judgement on me.

    Nothing has changed in terms of my moods, and "self destructive" behavious...I have tried to speak to my doctor, CPN, even a "addicitons" group but I've got nowhere, seems you bang on doors, smash windows, shout loudly but your still welcomed with the BIG REJECTION button, or they just see me as so many people do and have, a STUPID LITTLE GIRL.

    I'm not good on talking on the phone so to contact people is a real struggle as I don't know what to say, my mind goes empty and words just fall out like "oh sorry, shuoldn't have called", or i just hang up. I know I need someone to help/guide me, espcially in talking about things.

    I keep taking overdoses not in a sense that it will kill me striaght away anyway, but what the "professionals" regard as an overdose. Everyday I get myself in such a place that all I want to do is cause myself harm, cutting doesn't work for me anymore, yeah sometimes I still do it but now I jump from the urge to cut, arguing in my head, to taking the pills (maybe if cutting helped again I wouldn't jump, its the lesser of 2 evils!), I even gag when I now take them, can hear you saying then stop but the gaggin just makes me more determined to swallow them, pathetic I know, so why don't I stop...why isn't knowing what I am doing enough to stop me? what is it i hope to achieve? what do I want? I honestly don't have the answers, I know the questions but not the answers.....

    I'm not saying, right that's it going off now to kill myself as I'm not, I know I need help, I'm just such a freak, a mess, a weirdo, that I actually don't even know how to help or look after me.....

    sorry this isn't making any sense.
  2. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    I'm sorry that you're so distraught.

    No, hun, you're not a freak, a mess or a weirdo, and it's not that you don't know how to help or look after yourself. You're just hurting a lot right now, which makes doing things harder.

    Could you go to the A & E department of the hospital or to the Crisis Center and tell them you feel self-destructive (cutting)/suicidal?

    I can imagine how difficult it must be to want so badly to talk and then not being able to. Have you considered writing down the things you want to say and then showing your notes to the therapist/doc/cpn/crisis worker? (You might also be able to read your note if you call a crisis line so you can start the convo.)

    Please don't take any more pills than the dose you are prescribed. Stay safe, hun. :hug:
  3. andyc68

    andyc68 Guest

    i agree with Acy, your obviously going thru a very desperate time and not being able to express your feelings to those who can help must be worrying you.
    your need to harm yourself in this way just shows your frustration but you are walking a fine line here hun.
    Acy's suggestion seems a good one so give it some thought.

    take care
  4. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    hi hun, i hate taht your being ill effected by the medical system in your area. i have recieved he same responces from the medical proffesionals around here for 4-6years; 'its just a phase, you'll be fine!'

    all i can say hun is that you got to keep bang on the doors, you have to keep smashing windows. its the only way. after suffering like this since around 8yrs of age and it progressively getting worse, i swear i feel like a magnet sometimes for all the shit things, i've only just got help. and i mean litterally as of tuesday. :hug: i pray you keep trying hun i sincerely do
    and in the mean time if i can help you plaese please let me know :hug:
  5. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    I will try that but the luck I'm aving at the moment every help line except sams has been engaged and I just don't feel that I can speak to sams. I've taken a massive slump and all i want to do is kill myself, I won't tonight I know that, I've cut but that didn't help so now I'm trying the drink, shouldn't, but I can't escape...nobody will listen, I am literally banging my head against walls, I cut my wrists like the a cross, praying for someone to listen to help, but I just get the people who say "oh well, there are people worse off then you", "or come back in 3 weks"
  6. justafool

    justafool Well-Known Member

    You know what? You sound so wonderfully passionate to me. I realize that your passion is mired in misery, but at least you are feeling a lot of emotion for something!

    Some people (such as myself) feel next to nothing, day after day after day. Life just drips away, oozing slowly like an open wound.

    May I envy you, just a little? :wink:
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