Rambling of the Undeserving

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by SilencedFaith, Mar 6, 2014.

  1. SilencedFaith

    SilencedFaith Member

    And thus, I have reached to the conclusion that this man, me, do not deserve the blessings of life. God should have given the blessings that he had given to someone more deserving. To those who desire life above all else, and not me who wished and still wishes to be snuffed out of existence. An entire life erased, leaving not even a single trace. To disappear, and memories to be forgotten as the being that is me, annulled. To me, even the light from the end of the tunnel is not a sign of walking out into the sunlight, but the light from a train.

    I'm such an undeserving, spoiled little brat. How can I say I want to kill myself when there are countless others wanting to live? How can I say I want to lose my life when I have friends and family who would be devastated by my actions? How can I say I am what I am, when in reality I am just a weakling, full of fear and anxiety, and the desire to run away from all his problems? How can I say I want to live when deep in my heart I wanted to be completely erased from ever existing?

    God forgive my selfish thoughts. I can no longer see victory, I can only see a never ending spiral into death. I can no longer see the blessings, when living itself becomes a burden. I can no longer feel excitement, when this soul is tired of being alive. I can no longer feel joy, when all I see is the different shades of grey. God, forgive me. You love the world so much that you sacrificed Jesus on the cross, but here I am loathing the life that your Son bled for. Will you forgive me for all the things that I have done, for all the thoughts that I have, and for all that would be done in the future? Will you forgive me for being such a worthless wretch, comparable to parasites living off others?

    I can no longer be strong. I can no longer be courageous. For I have come to understand the pointlessness of living. All the wonders and joy in the world will fail in front of the great adversity. The meaninglessness of life.

    And so, let me disappear. Let my existence be erased. Let memories of be forgotten. So that no pain and no suffering will come to those who know me as family and friend. Let me not be a burden to anyone else anymore.
  2. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    Hello silenced faith. You are deserving of life. We all are otherwise we wouldn't be here. I noticed a lot of praying for forgiveness of wanting to die.
    The gloom of this world can make anyone feel this way believe me. Have you every heard the quote:

    When I am weak He is strong?

    This helps me when the state of this world gets me down. I can fall into depression by the horrible things I endure while living. It is experienced like these that strengthen my faith because I don't carry the burden alone. Please feel free to PM me. Blessings...
  3. SilencedFaith

    SilencedFaith Member

    Hi Daphna,

    I know that phrase, but when I am depressed I can't think of anything but how worthless and undeserving I am of this life. My depression is catching up with me and everyday I have to tell myself to be strong and don't give up. The voices in my head is screwing with me, telling me to die, but I'd decided that if I die I will not die by my own hands.
  4. SilencedFaith

    SilencedFaith Member

    One day I asked him as he walked with me, can I rest at the side of the path? I am too tired to make another step forward, my feet is sore and I can no longer catch my breath. All I want is to lie down on the green grass and sleep, for I can no longer see the path beyond. There is nothing more for me to see if I follow along this path, and it is alright for me to sleep here. The clearing here is ever green, and even if I sleep here no one will miss me.

    But then he caught my hand then the answer came: No, child. I will miss you. Continue on with me. You have not seen the best of your journey yet. You have not seen the wishful dreams of Spring, nor have you seen the burning vigour of Summer; you have not seen the sweet maples of Autumn, nor have you seen the cleansing whites of Winter. There is so much more to see, so much more to feel. So much more blessings to give, so much more blessings to receive. Yes, there will be mountains to hike and rivers to cross, but will you not take my hands and walk with me, to see all these lovely things that you have yet to see? And will I not give you my hands when you fall, to carry you across the valleys and the seas? To see you through the storms and wake you up from your nightmares?

    And I wept, and I wept, and I wept. Because I remembered the promises that I have made and promises I have to keep. But I am really too tired to go on. Too tired to continue onwards. But yet, deep in me, my heart whispered. I want to see the wishful dreams of Springs, and to see the burning vigour of Summers; I want to see the sweet maples of Autumn, and the cleansing whites of Winter. I wanted to go on, but my feet gave way and I fell into the muddied path. I looked up, but he still gave me his hand.

    And so I took his hand, and he pulled me up. And slow as my steps be, he smiled and we walked on, one step at a time.
  5. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    Hello Silenced faith. I get attacked by thoughts as well. Have you ever considered that these thoughts aren't your own thoughts at all? What would your death accomplish for you?
    It sound like we share the same hope. How would your death fit in with this hope? What hope is there in death?
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 7, 2014
  6. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    I really enjoy your next reply that describes your journey. I agree with it as well. The best thing I ever did and ever do is humbly pray when I need help. I asked for help to know when I do anything wrong or offensive towards my Father in heaven. I ask for strength when I feel spiritually attacked by demons.
    Have you asked to understand your journey in this life? Understanding your purpose will help keep you grounded when your getting bombarded by temptation to end your life. Blessings...
  7. SilencedFaith

    SilencedFaith Member

    So here we are again, drunk with your own depression. So what are you going to do next, just sit around and wait for someone else to cut you down? Ram you down? Or, maybe, hoping the next plane you on will sink into the sea just like that other plane? Oh, wait. You can't. You have to live through all this crap because your time is not up yet. That's right. This crap we call life, this crap we call reality. Why don't you just kill yourself and be done with it? Oh right, you can't kill yourself because God forbids it. God also forbids you to do all those other things too but you do them anyway, you little piece of shitty hypocrite. You tell others to hold on, but you yourself wanted to just die. You tell others that things will go better, when you yourself believed that there's nothing out there for you to live for. You sunk in your own despair, but yet you tell others to stay afloat with hope. Hypocrite, hypocrite, hypocrite. Shame on you, you little piece of hypocrite. You are a monster, telling others to live so you can feed on their despair and hopelessness, so that they will turn to you to find some comfort so you can feed on them too. You wanted to die but you can't, so you push others to live fully knowing the hopelessness and despair that waited for them, watching them tumbling down the hills as you lay there. There is no place for a selfish, hateful soul like you in heaven. Burn in hell for all eternity and atone for your sins in blood, pain and despair. This is the only path that you will walk because you made those choices yourself. Despair in darkness for all eternity. There will be no hands to guide you. Your prayers will not be heard. Your cries will not be seen. There is nothing but the void for you.