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Rambling: thinking outloud. (Long....)

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Are we opposed to violence? Do we absorb hatred from the world and feel that it is our entire fault? Why do we think this? What are we telling ourselves? I wonder if by absorbing and containing within ourselves all these negative aspects of life that we are emotionally full. Our mind can no longer handle our emotions properly and therefore begins to malfunction. This in turn leaks out to other areas of our brains/thinking. We then feel the need to obtain physical pain, self mutilation. We are compensating for what we can no longer handle. We have a limited amount of capacity for emotive response. The depression we feel is so strong that we can not handle the daily stresses of life. So we turn to what seems like our only option. There must be some other way to cope with this. If my emotional needs are not being met, what can I do to fix this? One option would be to decrease the pool of emotional situations with in ourselves. We need to depersonalize everything we encounter. Let some things go. Simply let go. I say simply but we all know it’s easier said than done. So, just how do we let go?
Therapy and medication do help with this. Another option would be to increase the size of the pool itself, so that you can handle more of life. I don’t really see this as a good choice though. It is only a temporary solution. After a given time period, varying for each of us as to what that period means, our pool will once again start to overflow. The third options I can think of is the one I personally like best. I can say it in two words: Go numb. Go numb so that we don’t even deal with life’s situations. Basically shutdown your mind, bypass your mind, and simply have an uncaring, no desire for emotional and material things. I guess the best thing to do would be to combine these efforts into one. Increase the amount you can handle. This will give you time to work on the other options. By the time your newly sized pool has reached its brim, you’ll be ready with an attack plan.
We still do not have a reason to why this happens in the first place. My therapist says that we are telling ourselves something. I have tried to see what I’m saying but it’s been to no avail. I do not think or say, I only feel the emotional response. Perhaps the above statement is the answer. We are telling ourselves that we can not emotionally handle anything, so we take it as truth, and are instantly overwhelmed when anything negative happens (or in some cases even positive things).
It’s hard for me to say I’m telling myself something. I can think of something, but then I don’t know if it’s the real reason, or if I’m making up a reason because I am supposed to have one. My theory is that I am depressed because I am no good in life. I’m not a good husband. I’m not a good father. I am not a good worker. I’m not a good religious person. I’m no good in a single life either. So, I’m no good in life. If you ask me why I’m not good at each of these things I’ll come up with a reason. I’m not a good husband because I am usually thinking of my own needs and not hers. I’m not a good father because I don’t play with my children enough. I’m not a good worker because rather than working, I’ll sit here and write like this or surf the internet I’m not a good religious person because I don’t go to church, and I’d love to be a monk. I’m not good in a single life because as a bachelor I get really bored, and then I get into trouble. But let’s keep looking here. What does it mean to be bad at all these things? What does it mean to suck at life? Does it really make me a bad person? Are so many others not the same as well? A statistic today reads, “1 in 32 adults are in prison, parole, or probation”. This shows that there are many others that suck at life as well. Do we all feel the same way that I do now? Are we all depressed because we suck? Why can’t we realize that we all really do suck at life, and therefore say so what, and move on to important matters, like what’s for supper? Is all this in my head and life is so much better?
When I’m happy, my thinking is reduced. I only see what I am doing at the moment. I have no concern about what I say, how I say it, and how the person responds to me. When I’m depressed though, I think about every little detail over and over again. I go way off the path to avoid human contact. When it’s unavoidable, I try my best to make it short and to the point to ease my anxiety. The odd thing is there is no situation that sparks or triggers this mood change.
Many times I feel I have a stronger hidden mental issue. I hold hope that perhaps I have dissociative identity disorder, bipolar, anything to give meaning to why I get so depressed. Depression to me doesn’t seem to have a place to settle down to. It’s just a problem floating in the air that is unfixable. If it were tied to another illness then we could correct the disability. Maybe that is part of my problem.
I realize I’ve started rambling and am going from one subject to another without tying all this together. However, it shows my train of usual thought. I’ll see a situation. Start thinking about that, then pick out a specific part of that, dismantle it, and continue this way until I’m so far off topic I don’t see how I can get back, or why I even ended up here. It is very frustrating not to be able to maintain a thought all the way thru.
Back to my original point of thought, let me quickly recap then proceed with any additional thought I may have. I take in so much of my environment in, taking many aspects of it personally, that it fills my emotional competence to the point I be come overwhelmed. I then feel the need to still process these incoming life altering situations. (Thought they are not actually “life altering” for a “normal” person.) Unable to mentally process this information, I seek other ways to sort thru it. Since my mind is full the only other option I see is self harm. I need to self harm because I deserve it. It’s what I want. In actuality all I really want is to be able to process the emotional states of life’s situations properly and easily. Since self harming does not satisfy the emotion, we harm more and more. Instead of dealing with the emotions like we need to, we are adding more emotional demand by cutting, and trying to justify it. It ends up becoming an unbreakable cycle.
Of course this is just my theory of me really. When I say “we” I don’t really mean any other person other than my own being. I speak only for myself and what I think and feel. I am in no way implying that any of the above applies to any other person.
Lots of times I get tired of having to make emotions. I get tired of having to love my wife, kids, family. I get tired of having to greet people as I pass them. I get tired of having to work with others, tired of being in any kind of “team”. I feel that lots of times it’s a waste and the only reason I do it is to prevent society (anyone but myself) from interacting with me. It’s not that I don’t love my wife and others. I love my wife dearly and would simply die if I ever lost her. I adore my kids and I actually look up to them! What I don’t like is the day to day task of showing that love. At the same time, I wish that I wanted to love. I wish that I felt like giving my mom a hug. I wish that I felt like kissing my wife each time I return home. I wish that I wanted sex every night. I do not though and I do have a feeling that I don’t want it. So, I am in direct conflict with my own mind. How can a person think two different ways, unless there are two people inside my body? (This is how I justify my wanting to be diagnosed as dissociative identity disorder, even if it’s a very mild case) Going back to the point, I feel like I want to go thru life and do nothing. However, I know that it would not make me happy. In fact, I would become so bored, unhappy, and lonely, that I would probably drive myself closer to suicide. True happiness I believe is acting on the love of life and everything it contains. Why am I withdrawing from happiness? I feel like I don’t want to be happy because I feel it would be too difficult and be a big hassle. It would consume too much energy, energy that I don’t have. I don’t know where it would ultimately take me. At least with the emotionless behavior I can mentally see what is to come, and knowing where I will end up is what currently makes me happy. So who defines happiness? Who defines what is normal? Just because it’s the majority, does that necessitate normality? It seems unfair and unjust to me.
i read about 40% of your post. i dont know why i didnt read it all.
just too many thoughts runnin around in my head.

but what i will do is read and write.its easier than remembering. lol.

i really like the way you write.you write like i think.
just so much all the time in every direction.
im not very good at writing it out. i get stuck on 1 thing and then think i made my point when i havent.
i live my life numb.i have been for awhile now.its easier.
i dont like talking to people as i pass them or encounter them.
i think i would like to be a monk too. but only if i could have my laptop.
i have often wondered if happyness is for the blind. dont mean eyes.
kind of an ignorance is bliss kinda thing.
like happy people are stupid cuz they dont see the world for what it is....crap.
sometimes i think im just on my own planet.
and sometimes i feel that im surrounded by stupid people.
and that my logic is great. and more people should understand it instead of what the hell ever they understand on thier own. not saying i know everything.but i do know alot about alot of stuff. like the other day my roomate and i were gunna go grab some food and his powersteering belt started squeling and he said something like...i should take it to the shop,i asked why,he replied so they can fix it.i said its a belt. its not rocket science.
he then said something to the effect of...i dont know shit about cars. i told him but i do. and its not hard so just fix it yourself. you cant break whats broke. and this whole thing isnt about money. hes just and idiot.but he is like some kind of happy idiot. and it makes me mad. i want to be an idiot too.
ok other roomate just got home from work and its time to get stoned any maybe goto bed....idk yet.

but your ramblings are like mine.


Well-Known Member
Thanks for reading. I'm glad someone out there has the same mind as me. It makes me feel like that guy in the hospital on "28 days later" movie. He wakes up, everyone is dead or a zombie. After a while he runs into some "normal" people like him. My old friend that I grew up with....I wish I was like him. He's so clueless he couldn't even pass the math test to get into the army. He doesn't understand shit,.....but he's HAPPY!
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