Rambling toughts

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Raven, Jan 8, 2012.

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  1. Raven

    Raven Guest

    On alonely hill under the shade of an old oak tree, where the wind blows and the coyote’s howls is where I wish to lie. A place to be forgotten and a gravestone to be polishedby the wind and the passage of time. There in that lonely place, beneath theshade of that lone oak tree, maybe I can find peace.

    I have spentthese last few years, trying to find the last rays of sun from a world I haveso distanced myself from. A world that I have never been able to integrate myself into. Everyone says it is so easy, but I have never found the truth in this,this life seems beyond me, the thought of living it through is a prospect thatI do not want. I have always felt a great sorrow about my life, a great loss ofsomething that I will never be able to recapture. When the feeling becomes toogreat I have to stop myself from taking that long walk away and neverreturning. It is a walk however that I am ready to take, I am tired of feelingthis way, tired of fighting the urges, I am worn and ragged.

    I wish I could be a part of so many things I have missed out, someone to share my life with, being around with friends and being happy, enjoying the things most people do. I have always felt a great guilt to the people that I meet; I try to stay hidden in the shadows, always behind the scenes. I know where my life willlead me, I simply try to limit the exposure of the people that will be affected that day. I have always felt it is better to stay aloof and alone then exposesomeone to fate that awaits me, I know what it would do to me and I wrestlewith the thought of the pain, the grief the damage I could do to someone else.

    This is why I have always been so much more at ease around the animals of the world then its people. With the horses I deal with I know that I will not be missed,I am sure they will remember me in some way but they will not have the scarringa person would. I think it is also why I do so well on forums such as this, Ican fool myself into believing that the connection is less then maybe it reallyis, that I am nothing more than a strange person on the internet whose absencewill not be long missed. I am finding this is not truly the case, I have foundsome dear friends, and it worries me if I am getting too close, am I exposing them to much.

    So much of my life has been spent looking at myself in the most critical way I can, I have never felt worth much. This makes it very hard for me sometimes to converse with people, I always feel that what I say is stupid or comes across as nonsensical. It is a very hard and taxing thing holding a conversation withsomeone for me.

    Tonight I sit and wonder once again, if I am truly alive or if I have died and simply havenot finalized it yet. I fear that the reason I am still alive is my fear of disappointingthe people who know me, that I will hurt them, but I am not sure if this isliving or just simply existing. I want to take that long and lonely walk, away from it all, I want to know what it is like to feel and find a place I can callhome. I truly fear that when this life is over that it will not end there, thatmaybe this is not all there is and I will wakeup to find the face immortality facingme. And that truly even in death I cannot walk away.

    Myramblings for what they are worth, I find that writing can help me look into the mirrorof my soul to try and find out what is bothering me so. I am not sure why I am posting it here, most times I keep these things to myself.

    ~Rave

     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    YOu words i am sure touch many hun as they have touched me isolation is something i do well. You have made a connection to many here hun they are real people who care abt you so do n't ever think you are alone okay. I have come to find this place a safe haven really no one has hurt me here or judged me I do hope you in time will find the same that this place and the people here are like family in a way i know it is not the same but they care I am glad you feel safe to post and ramble here i hope you continue to do so hugs
     
  3. Morningstar

    Morningstar Well-Known Member

    I know these feelings all too well and have been thinking many of the same things myself recently. If ever you want to talk to someone on the same journey please feel free to message me.
     
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