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Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by raincloud, Sep 29, 2009.

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  1. raincloud

    raincloud Well-Known Member

    I just received the following e-mail from a woman I was in grad school with:

    "in class...how is your job coming along, are you happy?

    I hope so, because you so deserve it...


    This just made me break down in tears. I haven't told most of my friends this, but I walked off my job at the end of July. It (and other things) caused me to have a complete mental breakdown and I couldn't handle it anymore. This is the second job I have quit for this reason.

    I quit my job with no savings and no plan. I have been under-employed or unemployed since 2003, and have gone long stretches with little or no income. I have tried to save money, but I haven't been able to. I'm too ashamed of myself to tell people I quit my job. I feel weak. I'm even more ashamed by my failure to get a decent job after six years of looking. People always think I'm doing something horribly wrong in my applications. Trust me, if I were, I'd have figured it out in less than six years. A woman who was a manager at an organization I volunteered for did a secret criminal background check on me because after looking at my resumes and cover letters she just couldn't believe that I'd been rejected from so many hundreds of jobs. I'm clean as a whistle.

    I am no longer seeking employment. I am just too tired and too demoralized. I have not paid rent since July, and I am getting evicted. I have nowhere to go. I'm trying to pack my things, but it's hard when I don't have any way to transport them or any place to transport them to. I know this is my fault, but I couldn't face another day at that job. I was getting "talked to" about my performance in a job that was beneath me, frustrating, and didn't pay enough for me to live. I completely broke down sobbing two days in a row and if I hadn't walked off they certainly would have fired me. My last day there my supervisor told me "We've fired people for less, but we know you have potential."

    I have had a lot of really bad low-level, low-wage temp jobs. I used to be able to handle it, but I am now completely worn down. I've lost hope. I got a master's degree in hopes that my lack of experience would be overlooked, but I still hear time and time again: "You interview well, but we found someone with more experience." I haven't had my master's for long, but I went through so much hell in grad school and the problems just keep piling up. I am beyond my breaking point.

    I'm trying to find transitional housing, but I will have to give up my cat. My cat is one of the very few things keeping me from killing myself.

    My best friend (who lives over 1,000 miles away) lost her brother to suicide and the loss she feels over that hurts me, too. I never met her brother, but I see what his death did to her and it pains me. I don't want to do that to her, but lately she avoids talking to me so then it makes me feel like she doesn't care, anyway. I know that's not the way to think about it.

    I do have a plan, but not the materials to carry it out. And the timing isn't right. I don't know what will have to happen before I finally go that route.

    Even when I was working, I had to forgo electricity because I couldn't pay my bill. Imagine the poverty I live in now. This isn't a money management problem...I've gone so long with so little money that even when I earn a salary I could live on, I spend so much money playing catch-up that I can't afford even basic things. Once, during my last job, I lost my keys in the middle of night and didn't have money for a cab home or a locksmith. Even the tiniest problems turn into huge ordeals when you don't have the money to deal with them. Once my car broke down while I was on my way home from the doctor, and I had no money so I was stranded for hours and coughing up blood. I had to rely on the kindness of strangers to get my car towed. And I was still at my job at the time. This is my life.

    I have no money and cannot afford any of my medications, so it does not help that I went off all my antidepressants and thyroid drugs (and other drugs) cold turkey. I did the same thing last year when I walked off another horrible customer service job, and I had to be without drugs for two months. I developed a giant goiter and could hardly get out of bed. I do not have a goiter yet, but I can sleep 16-20 hours a day no problem. When I have things to do, I'm more alert, but not much more. Part of the problem at my last job was that I had so much brain fog that I couldn't remember what I was doing one minute to the next.

    I'm not even sure what I'm reaching out for. Perhaps just venting. I have no idea how to respond to that woman's e-mail. Maybe I don't deserve to be happy.
  2. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    My grandma always said, "When poverty walks in the door, love flies out the window." I've been low income all my life. It is too much to handle at times.

    Have you applied for disability? There is no shame in it. I got mine this year and it helps not to have to try hanging onto a job when I always felt I could go to pieces at any time. Having it does not solve everything but my suicidal thoughts and feelings are not as intense now.

    Please keep us posted :hug:
  3. Mr A and the sky pilots

    Mr A and the sky pilots Active Member

    Im sorry to hear of your sitiuation, but i understand what you are going through. Since leaving the army i have had no job for just 5 months and theres no jobs in my forestry sector or anyother in the UK. My Advice to you, is that this girl your friend doesnt understand or know whats happening to you. Much like you probubly dont know how much that sucide has made her close off from the world and you. It would be worth making a phone call to her and telling her everything and your sitiuation, all she can say is that she cant help at the worst right? Also you need to claim disability, you have a problem that needs addressing. Tommorw i have a lady from citizens rights coming over to talk about money.
    Also search for you local support group here http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/farcry/go/searchMHA , as they will know your states benifites and where you can go. You cant slog on any more, you need that help, and its out there.
  4. raincloud

    raincloud Well-Known Member

    Thank you for your responses.

    Chargette: How long did it take your disability claim to go through? How did you survive while it was being processed? Did you live with family or something? That is my concern because I REALLY have nowhere to go, and I don't know how I'll cope during the months (?) this may take. I can't see myself getting a job at this point. Even if I were offered one, I think it would be a bad situation.

    Also, do you get enough money to pay rent? I'm worried that I'll still have nowhere to live, especially with an eviction on my record.

    Mr. A: Thanks so much for the info. You are very right about something...I don't realize how much my friend's brother's suicide shut her off from the world. I try to understand, and as much as I can sympathize, I can't relate. She is aware of most of what's going on right now, but she's not very responsive, which really annoys me. She knows she's not really being a good friend (she's always apologizing).

    No one ever knows what to say to me because my life is always so full of horrible drama. I think I frighten people, like they think my poor luck is contagious or something.
  5. Mr A and the sky pilots

    Mr A and the sky pilots Active Member

    How come you have no famly to turn to?
  6. raincloud

    raincloud Well-Known Member

    My mother died six years ago. My father is completely psychotic and abusive and I have not spoken to him in seven years. I have a brother but he is also psychotic and abusive, worse than our father even. I was born in the United States but my parents were immigrants and they were both estranged from their families. My only living/seemingly sane relatives live in the UK and I've met them once. Some of them I have met twice, but I haven't seen ANY of them since 2001 and we're not in regular contact. They don't know about what's happened in my life since my mother died, which is when all of this started. I have dual US/UK citizenship and am going to get my UK passport when I get some money. It isn't that expensive (less than $200), but it is when you're this damn poor.
  7. politicat

    politicat Member

    Wow, your situation mirrors mine almost exactly, at least as it was 6 months ago. I had been living in a very expensive city, but had been unemployed or underemployed since 2001. I've had low-paying crap jobs all my life- I mean really bad jobs- but I couldn't even get one of those for the most part. I had a crap telefundraising job and I was losing it, was not able to pay bills or rent, and walked out shaking after they threatened to fire me. I didn't have the guts to call them back. I don't have a college degree, though.

    I would have been evicted if I had stayed in the city, and I loved being independent there. I had to give up my cat (wah!), which I thought was impossible. I could have packed but I had no one to go and no way to get there. I was suicidal all the time before I left. My mother, however, did come out to "rescue" me, but now I live with family, carless in a place where you need a car, and of course broke.

    So no answers, but I know exactly how you feel. At least you do have some friends. I applied for SSI and was turned down, the appeal takes forever but at least you could give it a shot. I did live through that horrible situation, and I know what it's like to be broke broke BROKE. I wish you had some family to stay with. I wish you luck.
  8. raincloud

    raincloud Well-Known Member

    Thanks for responding. Yes, that pretty much sums up what has happened at my last two crap jobs. I just completely lost my mind. I started sobbing in front of my supervisor and that was it.

    Having degrees doesn't seem to make anything better. It's not good enough for the good jobs and it makes you overqualified for the bad jobs. Grocery stores won't hire me. Wal-Mart won't hire me. My master's degree is nothing more than a $75,000 piece of paper I busted my ass to get. It's not making finding a job any easier at all.

    I also wish I had family to go to. Or rather, I wish I had family that wasn't so awful.
  9. NoGood

    NoGood Well-Known Member

    I dont know if this will help because i dont think you want the crappy jobs or can mental tolerate them anymore. But when applying for the lower grade jobs, taylor you resume to them, leave out the masters and the degree if necessary. The Manager reading your resume possibly worked their way up the ladder from ground floor and doesnt hold a masters or a degree so may be reluctant to hire someone that has a more extensive educational background. This may not help but ill post just incase.

    I feel for your situation, you have survived alot, I hope you can come out the other end of this with some hope.
  10. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    I think SSI disability is about $870 a month here in California. The state contributes a few hundred dollars above the federal part.

    I have what is called SSDI. It's disability retirement because I have worked for many years. The amount is based on my earnings.

    It took 5 months to get it. I had state disability at that time to hold me over. I had applied in the past but was denied. The key is to have a documented paper trail with mental health and your doctor.

    When I was denied many years ago, I worked part time jobs to get by. I bought a cheap travel trailer and lived in an RV park. I loved it there. It was a very simple life and I could manage it.

    If you look into getting a travel trailer, find out from the local RV parks how old of a trailer they will take. If you have one that is too old for a monthly rental rate, you may have to rent by the week.

  11. raincloud

    raincloud Well-Known Member

    Yeah...thanks. The advice is appreciated, but there are other obstacles. I already do this (to some extent). The problem is that I also lack experiences for certain classes of jobs. I have never waited tables, so no one will hire me to do that. One of my crappy temp jobs was giving out food samples at a grocery store. They hired some people on to work in the grocery store permanently, but not me. I've been rejected from grocery stores a few times, and I didn't tell them about my degrees. I haven't worked in a store since 2000, and unless I completely lie about my experience, my resume will look suspect. "Gee, you're a writer and instructor? How come you're trying to get a job at Wal-Mart?" I did once get asked a question like that when I was applying for a temp customer service job at a water-bottling plant in the middle of nowhere. Starbucks rejected me because they "found someone with more barista experience." Jobs that explicitly state "no experience required" in their ads have also rejected me because they "found someone with more experience." Even dishwasher jobs require experience. Barnes and Noble told me I didn't have enough experience to work in their cafe --and I worked in their cafe when I was in college!

    Even if I could get a job like that, it's gotten to the point where I FREAK OUT if I have to deal with an unpredictable stream of people I don't know. I just want a job where I sit in a cubicle and people leave me alone.
  12. raincloud

    raincloud Well-Known Member

    Thank you for the info. I didn't know that there was a difference between state and federal disability.
  13. Mr A and the sky pilots

    Mr A and the sky pilots Active Member

    You should look at things called "Graduate Schemes" basicly programmes ran by all the big industries, to take graduates and train them for high managment jobs. Your Bloody qualified use it, next time for a store i.e walmart go online and look for the Graduate scheme sections for recuitment. They take place once a year i think. Youv be good for it.
  14. politicat

    politicat Member

    I couldn't get a job at a grocery store or at Walmart either because I have no experience with that type of job- ie one that involves any direct contact with the public, or even having the public around. I used to be far too shy for that, and that went on for so long that I now have no experience. I suppose this is the kind of job SSI believes I could do, though.

    You probably know, because you're still there, that most large cities make it rather difficult for landlords to evict tenants. If you're tenacious you could hang on there longer, and you might go to a tenant's union for help.
  15. raincloud

    raincloud Well-Known Member

    I'm not 100% sure when I'm getting evicted, and that's freaking me out more than if I had a hard deadline. I have an unusual rental situation -- I rent a condo owned by a couple I've never actually met. I pay a third party rental agency that isn't even in my city. So, I have no on-site manager, so no one to run into on my way to the mailbox, and no one around to pester me too much. So, I don't know what they're thinking and I'm too afraid to call them. For some reason, they aren't calling me. I never answer my phone because I get 15-20 debt collector calls every day, but I check my messages and there are never any from my landlord or the agency. I just don't know what to think.

    Please tell me if my logic is flawed here, but I've completely put off the job hunt for a while. It's not just because of my exhaustion with it, but it will really do me no good. One of my recruiters called me about a job and I didn't even bother calling her back. I'm not in a good mental state for an interview or work. In order to work at this location, I would have to spend nearly 4 hours a day on the bus in addition to 8-9 hours a day in the office (it's not like I can afford gas money and I have a bus pass that I (gulp) stole:shy::hiding:). Since I'm getting evicted (and I am getting evicted) I need time to pack, clean, and find transitional housing. I obviously can't hire movers or rent a truck, so this is all on me. I also have a bit of a hoarding problem. Nevermind that I have nowhere to go yet. The job would pay decently (better than I've made EVER, even before all this crap started) but less than I should be making. The job is in my field, but I can't deal with it right now. I just can't. Even if I got the job and it started tomorrow, there's no way I'd be able to pay my rent and back rent in a reasonable amount of time. Next week I will be 3 months late.

    The more I think about this the more dire and hopeless it seems.
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