Rambling

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Marshmallow, Jun 2, 2007.

  1. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    Gah today's been so up and down *sigh*

    Got a shit nights sleep on thursday night and then shit nights sleep last night, had to get up early cos we went on a day out for my nan's bday. Was fine, tired but kept taking pro plus to keep me awake.

    Found out something i REALLY shouldn't know, something that is VERY dangerous information for me to have. Never thought about it before. Now thats all thats going through my head. The only thing that stopped me was the fact my aunty, nan and mum was there and thinking about someone and sending a text. Shouldn't have that information.

    Got talking to my aunty. Had a little heart to heart while walking along the river. She the ONLY person i can talk to in my family. Told her about my meds, she asked about my cutting and if i was still doing it, and when i last did cut etc. Told her about the letter i wrote her and that im not sure whether to give it to her or not. Don't think i will cos she told me today that she showed the other letter i wrote to her to my uncle :dry: The letter tells her im suicidal. What i think about, how ive thought about doing it and that one of the reasons i quit college was because of being in the train stations. Took me SO damn much to be that honest in the letter. Found out some stuff i didn't know about before, stuff about her dad abusing her niece and her and her brothers and sisters. Talked about this place and someone from here.

    Was REALLY sunny, was boiling. Had my grey hoodie on and a t-shirt. Was so fucking hot but kept it on cos of my arm. My mum and nan FORCED me to take it off. So im shitting myself. My aunty knows why ive gone really weird. So im walking around with my arm up close to my side nearly in tears and looking guilty. Sitting down for something to eat, im opposite my aunty and shes just looking at me, knowing FULL well whats wrong with me. I'm nearly in tears in front of my mum, aunty, nan and 2 other people. Sent a text and then made a call to someone. Ended up in tears down the phone, which i REALLY didn't wanna end up doing, especially that person, don't want them hearing me like that ever. Too me a lot to roll up my sleeves on friday but being FORCED to take my jumper off set me off BIG time. Ended up going into one when i got off the phone. Only thinking about one thing in my life right now, something that means SO much to me and has made me so HAPPY got me through today.

    Yesterday i was on cloud nine. Had a bit of a shitty moment because of something i read in the paper but that was it, the vodka and that one little smile cured that in no time. Felt fine. Felt HAPPY. SO FUCKING HAPPY! and now im feeling so fucking shitty. Really screwing with my head :cry:

    I dunno what to do anymore :cry: only one thing keeping me here and even then im paranoid that im gonna fuck that up. Scared to lose it. Scared to hurt people. Scared of the thoughts and feelings.

    I dunno anymore :cry:
     
  2. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    Vikki darling.

    I know how hard today was for you. But look, you got through it. You're here. You're so much stronger than you think you are honey. And if you EVER feel yourself falling, remember...I'm here to catch you darling.
    I wanna know what this information is.
    I'm not letting you go anywhere. I CAN'T let you go anywhere. I love you too much. You do anything and you take me with you, think about that.
    I'm glad you were so happy yesterday, I was too. I know you had that shitty moment, but like you said, the vodka sorted that out. I don't know what it is about my smile, but if it helps *smiles her little smile at Vikki* :laugh:
    You're not gonna mess this up darling. And more importantly, you're NOT going to loose me. I'm not going to let it happen. You know I have the same worries you do. But remember everything I have ever said to you. I mean it ALL.
    I'm here always, and always will be. :hug: :cheekkiss: :wub:
     
  3. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    Thankies hunni <3

    another thing i thought of to moan about:

    People keep going on about me loosing weight :huh: i personally don't see it. Guess the not eating much is working eh :smile: Maybe the cause for the headaches, or why i feel dizzy most of the time or why i fainted that time. Who knows and to be honest i don't care, i'ver NEVER eaten much, i drink so much during the day that im too full up with drink to eat. If i get hungry just have a drink or go sleep, either one works.
     
  4. sarahg

    sarahg Well-Known Member

    awwwww so sorry vikki hugs to you

    "I dunno what to do anymore only one thing keeping me here and even then im paranoid that im gonna fuck that up. Scared to lose it. Scared to hurt people. Scared of the thoughts and feelings.

    I dunno anymore "
    thats me to all above,but we will get there by hanging on thoses special days
    and they will gey more frequent or i will make u marry fooo lol

    __________________
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 2, 2007
  5. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Vikki you have been through a lot of different stages here with us at the forum. Some goo, some not so good. The important thing is that you ahve made it so far and you will continue to make it in the future. I have faith in you that you are much stonger than you think you are. You can overcome whatever you set your mind to. You have people here that will help you walk through the dark days until the sun shines again. Thinking of you hun. :hug:
     
  6. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Sarah is cruel and a sadist :dry::laugh: Marry Foo indeed!!!!!!! :tongue:

    To repeat what has already been said me Vikstar, you made it thru the day, you will make it thru the rest of it (or I'll nip round and whoopeth thy arse :bottom: )
     
  7. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    looool Sarah, im not gonna marry fooo :tongue: you can have him :tongue: :laugh: :hug:

    Thank you Corrina, that meant a hell of a lot. :hug:

    :eek:hmy: Terry!! no whoopeth thy arse :laugh: Thank you hun.

    Luv ya all x

    Another mini rant:

    Why do people feel the need to play games? to make jokes that put doubt and paranoia into peoples heads? You knew what that would do :dry: so why do it? Why play your little games. Your not gonna mess this up because im not gonna let you. Why can't you stand to see people happy? no way in hell am i gonna let you ruin this.

    Today is a new start. Got rid of my blade last night. Threw it out the window. GONE. The tramadol is going back in the cuboard tonight. New start. New start. New start.
     
  8. RainbowChaser

    RainbowChaser Well-Known Member

    Good :smile: That's great to hear :hug: