Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Roots, Jun 27, 2010.

  1. Roots

    Roots Well-Known Member

    I need to write down what I'm thinking at the moment. It's almost 6 AM here. Just took a shower. It's cold and I'm all alone in my messy room. Trying to make time go by faster.

    I'm feeling endlessly lonely and sad right now, and I miss my boyfriend. Right now he lives about 45 minutes away from me, but we haven't seen eachother much this week. He's been busy and tired, because he's just started a new job, and I'm almost constantly tired and stressed because of my conditions. I need so much rest ...

    I would like to visit him tomorrow, but I'm unsure if I should. I'm not sure, because I don't know if he really wants me to. But I'm kind of paranoid in general, so I don't know if I should trust these annoying feelings.
    He's always telling me that he's much happier when he's with me, but nevertheless I feel like this.
    I figure I will visit him if he asks me to. I hope he does.

    I'm a person that can seem melancholic. It may very well be that I suffer from melancholic depression. My therapist has (so far) diagnosed me with only 'depression'. I've been in therapy for about 5 months. I haven't spoken to my therapist since April, due to sickness.
    I really hope I get to talk to my therapist in July. I just need someone neutral to talk to. Guess that's why I'm writing here right now.

    My boyfriend's the only person that can make me smile. I love everything about him, even though we have annoying and pointless discussions from time to time. It makes me very tired, but we always make up. We have our faults, but it seems like we love eachother despite the negative sides. Can this be for real? I want to let go of the insecurities and be happy with him, but I'm scared. If I let go of my doubts - it will hurt even more if he decides to leave me when I feel "safe".
    He's like my drug, and when I'm away from him, I feel like the whole world is about to fall apart. I don't why that is. If I lose him, I don't think I will be able to pull through.

    He's the one that saved me. I would probably not be alive if it weren't for him, so he's "my hero". I will love him forever no matter what. <3

    He's actually the only one I've got. I had to quit my job last summer because of my anxiety - and I haven't had anything to do since. So my life isn't exactly amazing. It's a quite empty life.

    I've been struggling with depression and anxiety since I was 10. So that's 11 years of fighting. It's been hard and it has left me partly numb (don't know how to explain). It feels like I've lost something inside of me. It's like a part of me has been killed. I used to have fun. Now I don't see the joy in things.

    I feel bad for my boyfriend. He deserves so much better than me. He deserves someone that is stabile, kind and good to him. I try to be, but it's hard to put up a happy face all the time.
    Before we got into this relationship, I told him that I wasn't sure if I could handle it, and he said it would be okay. He' still saying that everything will be okay, and that he loves me no matter what.
    I believe it when I'm with him, but not so much right now. My insecurities are killing me.

    I love him so much, and he keeps saying that he loves me too. He's reassuring me all the time, but I'm still scared of losing him. I'm even thinking about breaking up with him, to avoid getting hurt again. I've been hurt and betrayed by people so many times before. It's impossible for me to convince myself that I'm loveable. I'm a freak. A weirdo. I don't have any friends. Only my family supports me, but they also make my depression worse (but I won't go on about that).

    I think it would have been better for me to stay single. I just didn't (want to) see it at that time, because I had been in love with him for over a year. We could finally be together, so I had to take the chance.
    We're going to move in together as soon as we find an apartment. I just hope he's serious, and that he's not playing some kind of game with me.

    I hope it works out. I don't need more shit. I've had so much shit thrown at me, and I'm tired of it.

    It always rains the hardest on the people who deserve the sun. I think I deserve some sun now, after all this fighting. Please, let it be my turn. :rose:

    Please excuse my poor English. I'm tired and this is just rambling after all.
  2. savetoniqht

    savetoniqht Well-Known Member

    I really hope things work out for you. You definitely deserve it. I know it's hard and I get paranoid too so I know it is SO much easier said than done, but just try to believe him when he tells you he loves you. Try and focuson on how lucky you are to have him. It sounds like he's the one who will bring you sun :)
  3. Roots

    Roots Well-Known Member

    Thank you so much for your reply, savetonight. : ) And you're right. I'm very lucky to have him and I should believe that he really means what he says. I don't get why he would lie about it. If he didn't love me, he would just break up with me instead, right?

    Anyways, I'm seeing him tomorrow for a few hours, before he goes to work. Looking forward to it. :smile: