I joined a while ago... but I've never really posted. I don't know why I'm going to now... but I guess I am. I've been planning and contemplating for a long time. I've had a few failed attempts... but looking back I can't figure out why I tried it the way I did. I should have known better. That's why this time I'm carefully planning so I have no room for failure. Even if I would want to. And that's where I put myself in a sticky situation. If any one here has read The Catcher in the Rye there's a part of the book where Holden is afraid every time he steps off the curb that he's disappearing. That's kind of how I feel. I decided to go visit a friend a month or so ago for a chance to "live" instead of being caught up in the constant state of death. In the end I ended up afraid I was pregnant, and all that against my wishes. It made everything in my head much worse. In reality I'm not afraid to die. I'm not going to stop myself. What I am afraid of is... stopping thinking. If that makes any sense. I'm afraid of letting go control. That one moment when you fall asleep in bed and you stop making those lists in your head. But this time... I'm not going to wake up. When I was younger I wouldn't sleep for days because I would be afraid of that one second when my mind leaves me... and that's where I'm held up right now. Maybe it sounds stupid to others... In most ways right now I'm calm and dissasociated from the world around me - I'm doing ok. But inside I'm scared. ... and I don't think any one can help me. Which is why I'm suprised I came back here. Just maybe some one can relate. I don't know what I expect any more.