ramblings of nonsense

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by jcat, May 9, 2007.

  1. jcat

    jcat Staff Alumni

    :mellow: i went to work monday morning w/ the idea that my schedule was one way. i got there and my boss(who's also a friend) tells me he has good news for me. he tells me my schedule has changed again. i now work from 2am to 12.30pm. i went home and got about an hour sleep and had to go back to work. bullshit if you ask me. but oh well. it pays the bills. i was fine till about 6 am and started getting tired. that's when i usually goto bed. anyway, i had another 6 hours to go. by the time i got off i was so tired that i just went home and fell out. the whole day i was thinking about getting come crank(meth) so that i could stay up. i didn't tho. these hours i now work suck. i woke up at 10.30 last night and now i'm sitting here typing to ? telling them what's up. anyway, i'm still confused and scared from my first posts. fopr those that don't know, i got off parole and now i don't know what to do. i don't know how to live out here inthe world for very long. i have always been in trouble w/the law. in and out of jails.now that i don't have to worry about going back i'mscared. i have a house, car, and all the bullshit that goes with it, but at the same time i don't feel comfortable out here. i don't have any friends, except my roommate, and i never see himexcept on weekends, which is actually ok. the only associating i do lately is on this site. i don't talk to people very much. i'm not thinking about killing myself today which is a goodthing. i just get really depressed and beat myself up emotionally all the time. i will be fine for a while and then all of a sudden it's all bad. i start thinking about ways to off myself, and then think about who'd actually care. my mom is the only peerson who'd even care. ain't that a bitch when you've got nobody that cares if you live or die. with my mom it's like once i'm dead she no longer has to worry about me. getttingthe phone call at 3 am saying your son is dead, or the one from me saying oops, i did it again. i'm in jail, goin back to the pen. it's a fucked up life that i've been living. in and out of jail, just long enough to lose 50 pounds and have a habit, then it's back to jail long enough toclean up and get healthy so i can go back and get sucked up again. i did that for a long time. it's all i know how to do. now that i'm clean and off parole it's like now what? what is there to do now that i'm not shooting dope and going to jail? i go to work, come home and get on my f@cking computer. then go to bed and wake up just to do the same fuckingthing the next day. the hi-lite of my life is going to walmart or something stupid like that. yippee? maybe some people that actually have lives can give me some advice on stuff to do. i'd just assume go back to what i was doing b4, at least i knew what to expect from life. a jail cell and drugs. now i don't have either of those to comfort me i'm scared. oh well.
    vini vidi vicci
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 9, 2008
  2. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Re: ramblings by a jcat

    hmmm, time to think differently I guess.
    Patterns in life are safe which is why so many of us make the same mistakes over and over again.
    Sounds like you need a complete re-think. You say you arre now off parole, so how about starting over completely new. New place, new job, where your past doesn't follow you and no one has any expectations of you other than the person they meet?
    I guess this might be impractical, but have found myself a complete remake has worked wonders. :smile:
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 9, 2008
  3. jcat

    jcat Staff Alumni

    Re: ramblings by a jcat

    morning everyone. i wasn't around last night. thanks terry. trust me, i've thought about a complete move. i did that a few years ago. that's how i ended up here where i'm at now. i grew up in a small town called sonoma. i moved from there in 2004, and came to fremont. i think that i am doing a little bit better now. i'm still scared of being off parole, but i'm dealing with it. i think alot of it is the fact that i'm free to do what i want. this is the first time since i was 15 that i can come and go as i please. i mentioned this site at an na meeting yesterday, and everyone at the meeting just looked at me like oh shit! is he going to kill himself. no. but the thought does cross my mind at times. i'm just me. i've always been this way. i'll be okay for a while and then all of a sudden i'll be fucked up. ti's all the emotional kind of baggage. i've got issues. i think it's easier for me to write the shit that is going through my head here for one reason, actually a few. the main thing, i am just writing it down and letting it go as soon as i hit the submit button. also, i don't know annyone here, and you don't know me, at least in a physical sense. you guys probably know me better than a lot of people. just from my threads and posts. i guess i am an introvert in a way. this site is a blessing, i'm glad you are here. i've been trying to find a site(chat rooms), basically so that i could start dumping my shit. whether anyone reads it or not is of no concern, i just need to start dumping, and i found the place to do it. thank you everyone. i do take suggestions if you have any.:)
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 9, 2008
  4. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Re: ramblings by a jcat

    Glad the site is helping and :welcome:
    Vent away and guess what, you will probably end up with friends :biggrin:
     
  5. jcat

    jcat Staff Alumni

    Re: ramblings by a jcat

    good morning. i just woke up. these hours i work are confusing me. at times i don't know if i am comig or going. i found out my boss is a 2 faced lying piece of shit, sometims. he has been telling me this shit at work about our depot supervisor, and i came to find out today that b's lying. it had to do with b telling me that dan wants to fire me 'cuz i have been fucking up at work. the way i see it, if you want me gone, fuck it just fire me. it's a lot easier that way. but i talked to dan and he didn't say shit aboutwanting me gone. i come to find out that it is b that dan wants gone.
    it's funny, i know more about that warehouse than bill does, everyone comes to me asking about stuff;yet i'm the f@uck-up. bill doesn't even know what he's doing in there. all he does is sit in hte office w/ a thumb up his ass and every once in awhile comes out of hiding to yell at someone. i'm about ready to tell all of them at that company to stick it where the sun don't shine. mainly b-cuz of bill and his shit. today i almost quit. i used to be shift lead and now i am a janitor. i push a broom and am not allowed to do anything else b-cuz i am incapable(so it seems). i don't know. maybe it's just my shit. i don't know. could be my mind just fucking w/me.
     
  6. jcat

    jcat Staff Alumni

    Re: ramblings by a jcat

    obscene language may be on this thread. i apologize if anyone is offended.
     
  7. HOT~DAWG~MAMA

    HOT~DAWG~MAMA Active Member

    Re: ramblings by a jcat

    Sorry to hear your work sucks, I would suggest trying a temp agency to help u find a better job. You'd be suprised how well those companies work, and how quickly they find u employment. And hell, u could even keep your current job in the meanwhile they find u something else. Neva know, just may work out for you.
    My hubby was sorta in the same boat about the job thing, he went to a temp agency and they found him a WAY better job with better pay within 2 weeks. Plus it's a temp to hire position so he'll be able to stay there permanently..Which I thought was pretty sweet.

    As for the jail thing, I also feel you on that one..
    my big brother has been locked up before, so he has a record that made finding places to live and work very difficult, and he once had a dirty crack addiction.. it took some time (cuz i know it aint easy) but he finally got his shit in order and cleaned himself up.. started a business with his wife (landscaping/lawn maintainance) It's only been about 2 years now, since he started and I shit u not, my bro is better off than I am now. He's living in a half a million dollar home, and when he once had to cut lawns all by himself with his wife as his helper (no lie) he now hires other people to work for him, while he's chilling at home everyday rackin' in mad amounts of dough!

    Basically what i'm trying to get across is that you just need to give yourself a little more credit, be your own friend instead of your worst enemy and (of course a lil hard work and igenuity) u'd just be suprised..sooner or later things will work out for you. At least, I hope they do :)

    If you ever need anyone to talk to, feel free to pm me anytime.

    ps. keep your head up
     
  8. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Re: ramblings by a jcat

    Morning Jcat :yawn: well its actually 12 ish but I just got up :laugh:
    Sounds like you are doing prettty well in the old work place and have become a danger to lazier know nothing employee:laugh:
    Agree with Hot-dawg on this one, time to be looking round for something new. You've done well at this job, now go get a better one and kick arse :laugh:
     
  9. jcat

    jcat Staff Alumni

    Re: ramblings by a jcat

    i can't see straight. i'm going to bed.it's 6 am in california. good night everyone. thanks for being here for everyone.
     
  10. jcat

    jcat Staff Alumni

    Re: ramblings by a jcat

    i actually got out of the house and did something that was cool. went to a concert and saw a couple of tribute bands. i'm not really into that kind of music anymore, but it was cool. never really was into the band pantera, but slayer and metallica i can handle. anyway, went w/my roomate and just kicked it. actually did something that wasn't work related. i've got this ticket that i need to pay. i got on the site for the county courthouse and i can't find the info. i need to pull up my case to pay the shit. oh well. i'll do it monday. they can wait. they didn't even tell me i had a ticket until i got the letter from dmv telling me my drivers license was going to be suspended on the 18th of may. i don't drink or use any drugs anymore, but dam it! all the beer that was going around at the show 2nite sure smelled good. so did the ganja(marijuana). but i know where i'd be if i was to start using that crap again. don't get me wrong, i don't look down at people that do use or drink. i wish i cloud at times. i really do. but i know where it takes me when i start. i just can't do it. for those that can, and then stop when you want or need to. you are a better person than i am in that respect.
     
  11. freakin out

    freakin out Guest

    Re: ramblings by a jcat

    It's good that you got out of the house and had some fun and well done for resisting. Keep being strong :)
     
  12. jcat

    jcat Staff Alumni

    Re: ramblings by a jcat

    i found a bunch of poems that my grandmother wrote btween 1956 and 1990. i didn't even know that i had them, i am going to post some of them here. i'm just not sure if i should, at least some of them. she died in 1995. i already posted one in poets corner. there's another on my signature. can i get some input from the seniors and possibly moderators on this? thanks.either post here or pm me.
     
  13. jcat

    jcat Staff Alumni

    Re: ramblings by a jcat

    morning everyone. i'm tired. but i need to wake up and do something with m/self. i gotta go back to bed in a few houes so i can go to work at 2am. this sucks. oh well.
     
  14. jcat

    jcat Staff Alumni

    Re: ramblings by a jcat

    i woke up this morning and went out to my car to go to work and was going to put water in the radiator as it leaks. i'm about ready to drive it off a pier. anyway, the radiator cap broke. i had to call bill to come get me. fucking sucked. needless to say i got to work and found out i had to deliver a route which was good. means i didn't have to be in the shop all day. it was actually pretty cool. then i got home and took the bucket to the place i bouhgt it and told them i needed it fixed. john said he wouldn't be able to get to it til thursday. oh well. just means bill is my taxi for a few days. i've been his for the last few weeks. hopefully it will be fixed sooner than thursday though.[crossing fingers]
    this is where i'm pissed! someone i was friends with at one time calls me and leaves 7 msg's on my phone. started out "call your mom, it's mother's day." then he starts in that he knows i'm getting loaded and told my mom this. then he continues to tell me the reasons i was trying to kill myself when i was a teenager because i was practicing satanism and had evil spirits around me. whatever! then he starts in on me that the only way my life will get any better is by comig to believe in a higher power, namely "god", this is where i started getting pissed. at the time i wanted to call him and tell him to fuck himself. i didn't. now i have to call my mom and explain to her that i am not getting loaded. i have 20 years of abuse behind me, but i've been clean since jan. 18, 2007. if someone doesn't know what they are talking about they need to shut the fuck up. especially if they are talking about me. at least confront me and get correct info. i really wanted to hurt him at 2am, but i've mellowed out. i'm glad. it just pisses me off when people talk about me when they don't know what they are talking about. get your info straight b4 you open your mouth.
     
  15. jcat

    jcat Staff Alumni

    Re: ramblings by a jcat

    i just lost everything i wrote. oh well. maybe i wasn't supposed to post it. anyway, i'm doing ok. maybe i can get some advice on something. i'm thinking about changing my phone # because of this shit that happened the other day. i really don't want this dude to have my number. i'm thinking about calling him and telling him lose my fucking #.
    i'm kinda worried about someone. they are having some problems, and there really isn't anything that i can do. i'm a co-dependant. i'd rather deal with your stuff adn not have to worry about mine for a while. the only thing that i can is be here for them. which i am. an ear listen with, and a shoulder to cry on. other than that i'm helpless in this area. :disturbed: i want this person to succeed, not fail.
     
  16. freakin out

    freakin out Guest

    Re: ramblings by a jcat

    This guy; You don't have to change a number just because of him, confront him but don't go psycho on him, that'll make a situation worse. Reason with him.
    As for the worrying, being there for them is a great thing to do, being supportive and listening is one of the best things anyone could ask for. I'm sure they'd understand you are doing your best.
     
  17. jcat

    jcat Staff Alumni

    Re: ramblings by a jcat

    woke up at 12am and had to go to work. these fucking hours are starting to get to me. i go to sleep between 5 and 6 pm and wake up at twelve. then go to work and come home. all i do anymore is sit here inthe dark and fuck with my computer. i don't talk to anyone except people at work. i can't stand some of them. i don't even see my roommate anymore. at least with my hours before i had some life. i'd wake up around noon and then had the rest of the day. now i am going to sleep when everyone is getting off work. even on weekends i'm up all night and sleep when everyone is getingready to do shit. fuck, it seems like the only way i'll be able to do anything on weekends is by getting loaded first. i really don't want to do that, but it seems like that is what i'm gonna have to do to do anything. i wish i could get my old hours back. but, call me captain save a ho. i think the only reason that i had my hours changed was to save bills job. while he's hiding in the office doing whatever he does i'm out in the warehouse doing all the shit that needs to be done. he doesn't know shit about the warehouse, but he's the supervisor. oh well. i don't know, it just seems like i'm being used at work. i don't know. it's my shit.
     
  18. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Re: ramblings by a jcat

    I've worked shifts and they can be killers:mad: you find you lose contact with everyone just cos you're unavailable all the time.
    As I mentioned before, how about having a look round for a new job?

    Don't start thinking of taking stuff to stay awake..I did that and ended up with a speed addiction...not a good move.:dry:
     
  19. jcat

    jcat Staff Alumni

    Re: ramblings by a jcat

    i've been battling addiction to speed since i was 15. i know. thanks terry.
     
  20. freakin out

    freakin out Guest

    Re: ramblings by a jcat

    You've came so far, don't let it all slip away, especially not over a job. Why not talk to the boss about how unhappy it makes you and awkward situation?