just posting anonymously cus im a tad drunk. whats the difference tho.this is the only time when i even feel like i know how i feel. dont even know why im sayng anything this will will probably sound weird cus im just sying thibgs as i think them really. i try to talk but most of the time when im chatting with someone i nnow im down but i just draw a blank about why so i can never talk about wahts bpthering me. thats sacres me too i really dont drink ofteb cus my dads an alcoholic that thinking gets me sxared i can only do this or that when im drunk. there is one friend i try to talk to but they dont even understand where im coming from. she doesnt undrstand my vocabulary. allot of the stuff is in a differe t language that shes never been exosed too.this person may not understand but she's a sweetie and i dont konow what i would do without her but i just wish we could really talk. or i wish i even knew what to say. there is allot of stuff in my mind that i dont even allow myself to think about i still dont know why. like i would really like to talk to mhy dad but whenever i think about him some kind of nervous "block" comes into my head. i cry allot but uts inside not ahything really. i know intellevtually that people like me somoen just confirmed it out of the blue the other day. there comment came as a shock. its just so foreign to what depressed people think about themselves. it jus fekt weird but like wow thats how much my mind is delusional. i actually think people think the opposite about me that they really are thiniing. te other thing is i know we arent supposed to even really mention religion here but sometimes i feel like ive forgotten my own religion i know really nothing about it. it bothers me. i know i need to believe in something. but its just not there. i find myself allot of the time telling others and teaching others the concepts of there own religion like what certain things mean when its not even my religion. it dont even know why im typij g this really. it makes me feel stupid i guess. and i dont want any religious dicussion or anythign. it always make me feel uncomfy for some reason. igues beacuse i dont know enought about mine to feel comfortable that people wobt try to convert me or something. dont ecen know what i posgting really juyst everything thats bothering me at the moment. just an hour ago i wa hell bent on texting my dad too but he's sooooo manipulative. he scares me. i know he could get me to think anything he wants. thats easy with me. im easy to convince of aything. i dont even make suense to myself so dont worry. i dont know i jst want to be able to talk to people in my life. there are a couple peple here that can get me to even admit stuff to myself but just wish i could talk more.i dont how to say that its not just talking but deeper. hell i make no sense whasoever. god didnt know how drunk i really was i guess. lol. just going through allot of stress and cant reallY SAT ANYTHING in the open cus someone would know who i am. iyts really not as bad as allot of people here tho. dont really know what else to say. just the confused ramblings of a drunlk person i guess. sometimes there just emotions with no words. they just maifest themselves. wish i kenw how to describle them. no need to reply most people probably wont understand this mess anyway.