Ramblings

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by ThoseEmptyWalls, Mar 18, 2010.

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  1. ThoseEmptyWalls

    ThoseEmptyWalls Well-Known Member

    Im not having a crisis but I worry that whats going on could turn into one. I wanted to talk a little about it before it gets to crisis mode. Im calm right now so nows the time to talk.. To start with I havent been sleeping well. Which is nothing new but this has got to a new all time bad. Lastnight I went to bed around 12:30 and laid there until after 4:30 before I calmed down enough to attempt sleep. The amount of pain in my body was to much so my husband helped me relax the best he could with leg and foot rubs. The emotional pain was at a high level too. I was crying and sobbing. I kept telling him that I was sorry for being bad - I dont even know what the hell I was talking about. I kept telling that not to take care of me unless he really wanted to and that I would understand if he didnt want to. I made him promise that he would never let them put me in a hospital again. I was getting upset and accusing him of being rude (which he wasnt by the way). I sent him into the livingroom and after protest he went. Then came back in a short while later when I said something to him but I dont remember what it was. I kept talking about how big of a burden I am to him and my whole family. I kept telling him how Im sure my mom didnt want me and how my grandma felt obligated to love me and how my Dad is the only person who probably really does care about me. I was rambling about our family life and a bunch of the conversation is a blur.. Now I know that doesnt sound to serious but it was pretty intence. I was over took with these feelings of sorrow and pain. I kept asking him what he thinks its like to be me - how he would feel to be empty every day like I am... I dont have any insurance so Im unable to attend therapy sessions now. I was going to a place that gave me free therapy on their charity care program but the drive was costing us to much so I had to stop going - it wasnt helping anyhow..I just have all these feelings inside me that Id like to share. Im worried if I dont share them what would happen... Im a trooper..I have lived thru a major suicide attempt and some more minor ones..I have made it to almost 24 years old now when they said I wouldnt even live 24 hours after birth. I have servived being abused..I have servived a whole life time of walking thru living hell..I must be pretty strong to keep going on.. In all honesty I dont want to keep trecking thru - Id like to give up. Now I have no plans on trying to off myself but I do wish Id die.. Life is usually more then I can comfortably deal with. Im sick of having nothing - being nothing.. Im sick of dealing with all kinds of shit that I can barely deal with..I really want to be free of everything. I guess that in itself lies the crisis..I dont expect any advice or anything helpful. I just wanted to share and get things out before they bottled up and exploded. I told my husband what someone told me once - When the soul dies the body longs to go with it..I asked him how he thinks I can get my soul back.. If its dead and my body is wanting so badly to go along too I must need my living soul back - but how to get it... Just a thought
     
  2. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I don't have any answers for you but wanted you to know I hear your pain....
    You are indeed very strong to have survived all you have been through and i hope you continue to find the strength to stay.....
    I wrote a post the other day saying "MY spirit has died and my body is waiting to catch up"
    I will be interested to hear others coments..
    Im glad you are posting fer help before it becomes too overwhelming...
    you take care
     
  3. ThoseEmptyWalls

    ThoseEmptyWalls Well-Known Member

    It really does feel that way - that my soul has died and my body is just hanging around until it can catch up. In a strange way its comforting to know that Im not the only person who feels that way. Sometimes the symptoms of my schizoeffective disorder are to much to live with and I have no choice to curl up and cry and beg for someone to help me. I started refusing my medications well over a year ago. I had suffered some side effects that were beyond horrifing. When I first started to refuse the medications it was simple things like headaches that never let up, not being able to eat without throwing up, passing out every little bit. Things that I could easily overlook as soon as they agreed to change medications. Then it started to be things I couldnt over look. I developed a rash that actually took my skin off. It cleared up quickly after the medication was stopped so I agreed to try another. The muscles in my face twitched uncontrollably - again it cleared up quickly so I agreed to take another. The final straw was when I noticed a pain in my right left that eventually led to my not being able to move the leg. I was pulling myself up and dragging the leg around just to get about. Now that Im med free some of the symptoms of my disorder are almost unreal.. The itching - my skin will feel as if its crawling..The problems sleeping - it feels as if my bones are growing but my skin dont streatch... The mood swings I can deal with because my husband is really forgiving of them..I can even live with the hallucinations that show up every so often..Sometimes I go months without a problem but them bam have a serious one..Like now - its early morning (after midnight) Im sitting here trying to avoid scrathing my skin off to rid myself of the itching. Im a bit shaky and am avoiding going to bed although I know in the morning it will just be me and my son at home while my husband runs an important errand.. I just feel like going outside, laying in the road, and cracking my head on it a few times..They use to sale these gag office signs that had a bulls eye and said 'To Relieve Stress...Bang Head Here'... I seriously consider it sometimes... I have come a long way..I use to literally bash my head into the floor (or wall) as a way to manage and release the feelings..Then I would cut myself to manage them..Then I would abuse my prescription meds to manage them..Then I would do illegal self medicating to manage them..Then I would have a lot of sex to manage them.. Then for a while I would drink to manage them... So I think Im doing much better..The only problem is the feelings are sometimes tough to manage.
     
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