Ramblings

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Flatliner, Nov 17, 2006.

  1. Flatliner

    Flatliner Guest

    I've been a member of this site for a couple of weeks and have posted very little about myself so far. I've read all the different tales of hardship and terrible experiences that people have been brave enough to share and the replies of support they've got. This place seems a good place to share your thoughts and get them out of your head rather than leaving them in there to rot and posion your mind further. It's healthy to share right? I've been debating on what to say and what to tell and I've started my "story" so many times I've lost count and then deleted it and changed my mind. I don;t know what's holding me back. Fear I suppose. Fear of seeing it all in black and white. Fear of it somehow becoming more of a reality. Fear of people saying the obvious that I already know and have just pushed to the back of my head. Fear of being forced to confront certain aspects of my life. It's quite a scary thing for me to share my thoughts. I don't generally talk much, particularly about my thoughts and feelings. People ask me how I am and I automatically answer "I'm fine". They look at me and ask "Really?" and I just nod. My friends are used to me now. They think I'm just quiet and maybe a bit shy. So anyway, yes, I've gone off track. I thought I would just start by sharing a few things and then see where it took me.

    So, I just got out of hospital. I was in there for 6 days on iv antibiotics because of an infected wound on my stomach. I got the wound three weeks ago and tried to treat it myself. Obviously I didn't do a very good job because it got infected, I got a temperature, felt sick, dizzy and so on. I tried to avoid going to hospital, still thinking I would be okay but I wasn't. In the end I did go and ended up collapsing outside A&E. What a way to announce your arrival. At least I got seen quicker. I made up some story that no one believed but they didn't push it. I suppose the first "confession" to make is where I got it from. But I can't do that unless I give some background first.

    I live with my mother and her boyfriend. My mother is a recovering alcoholic. She's not doing very well and relapses all the time. She's on all sorts of pills which space her out and when she drinks she can get aggressive sometimes. I've been punched, slapped, kicked etc by her in one of her phases. Three weeks ago she was totally and utterly out of her tree and still drinking. I tried to get her to stop, tried to get the bottle away from her and she got aggressive and to cut a long story short we had a bit of a struggle and I ended up with a knife in my stomach. It wasn't particularly deep but deep enough. It bled a lot and she started to panic and get hysterical as soon as she saw the blood. I tried to keep her and myself calm by telling her it was okay and that we would sort it out. She helped me stem the blood and eventually it slowed down and almost stopped. I told her to go to bed and then I cleaned it and dressed it and everything. When she woke up she couldn't remember doing it and when I told her and showed her she was devastated. I told her it was fine. She apologised and promised to try really hard to stay off the drink. I didn't see the need to tell anyone. I believe it was an accident and that she didn't mean it. She doesn't know what she's doing in these states she gets into. I try to look after her and she appreciates that. Her boyfriend is an asshole but I won't go there right now.
    My mum is really messed up. I suppose I am too. We weren't always like this. I remember when we were an actual real, happy family. Things change though I suppose. But it's confusing, especially when you don't know why things happened like they did. I think I've written enough for today. There is more but I'm not sure I feel like going there right now. Some of it is buried pretty deep and I'm not sure if dragging it out is going to be a good thing for me or not. Although, keeping it inside hasn't helped much so far. Anyway, thanks for reading if you have. I'm just going to click post without reading it through so apologies if there are any grammar or spelling errors.
     
  2. Flatliner

    Flatliner Guest

    I'm just going to get it all out here at once I think. I'm just sat here stewing over whether to post or not and I'm just driving myself mad so the best thing is to just do it. No one has to read it and it will all get swallowed up in all the other posts but at least I'll have said everything.

    My father killed himself when I was 12 in front of me and my mum. It messed my mum up totally and I suppose it messed me up too. My mum threw herself at him screaming and crying hysterically and wouldn't let him go. They had to prise her off him. I watched the whole thing in silence. I don't remember what I was feeling but I just stared. Maybe I was in shock or something. They took my mum away in an ambulance and my dad away in a special van and then it was like they suddenly noticed I was there. I was still stood in the same spot staring at the blood on the floor when a policeman led me away. I had to go to the police station and it wasn't until then that I realised that I had my fathers blood on me and went crazy. I still don't know why he did it. I don't know why he chose to do it in front of us. I don't know what he felt. I didn't even know he was unhappy. He never said anything. I think about him everyday. I have so many questions and no way of ever getting any answers. There's no closure. It's just a continual grief. Like when somebody goes missing and a body is never found. There's no end. No answers. I feel anger about it. And then I feel guilt. Guilt because I didn't know. And guilt because I feel anger. And then confusion. I watch my mum drinking herself to death and I can't help her. I feel helpless. And he did that to her. To us. She's had all the counselling and medications and it's done nothing. He broke us both when he died. I wonder sometimes if that's what he wanted? And I wonder what I did that might have made him think like that.

    My mothers boyfriend is a leech and an asshole. We don't get on. He does nothing to try to help my mother. In fact he's only ever around when it suits him. We've had a few run in's and I've generally come off worse because he's a pretty big guy. I wish my mum would get rid of him. He only makes things worse and I know there's no love between them. He upsets her and then she drinks and I get mad at her and then feel guilty so I get mad at him and he gets mad at me and then I generally get punched. One day I'm going to kill the bastard. How am I supposed to help my mother when he's around?

    As for me....well. I'm scared I may be going the same way as my mother despite the fact that I can see it's destroying her. I drink far too much and I can't stop sometimes. I should be able to but I just don't. It's numbing. It flattens all the thoughts jumbled in my head out and sort of smothers then so I don't think about everything. I constantly worry about everyone. I worry about my mother. I worry about my friends. I worry that they're secretly unhappy and that they may do what my dad did. I worry that I hurt people. I worry that I offend people so I don't really talk to people. I do have friends and I know that they also worry about me. Especially my drinking. I've scared myself recently because I enjoyed the pain I got from that wound on mystomach. I enjoyed sqeezing the pus out until it bled. I enjoyed the fact that it hurt and sometimes I provoke my mum's boyfriend into punching me because I want to feel the pain. I don't know what I do this.

    My mother sometimes goes the other way in one of her states and is overly touchy feely with me. I think she just wants to feel loved but she tries to kiss me sometimes and tries to move my hands over her body and strips and stuff. I actually find it more uncomfortable and distressing than when she is aggressive. She doesn't remember any of it and I don't tell her because I know she would feel awful. I'm scared that one day it's going to go too far and I'll be in a situation I can't get out of. So far, I've managed to get out of the situation but again my mother is bigger than me and when she's drunk she's pretty strong. I don't want to hurt her physically and when she throws herself at me it's so horrible that sometimes I start to cry. I wonder if my father can see what he's caused? I wonder if this is what he wanted? Or did he just not realise what the consequences would be? Maybe he couldn't even consider any consequences. Maybe he wasn't capable. I feel so much guilt it's overwhelming sometimes. Guilt for my dad. Guilt for my mum. Guilt for my behaviour. Guilt for hurting my friends. It's consuming.
     
  3. Flatliner

    Flatliner Guest

    I've just forced myself to read all this through and its hit me that my life is actually quite fucked up (excuse the language). Putting everything down in the same place at the same type just highlights the weirdness of it all and all the unanswered questions seem bigger and more important than when they're just in my head. What do you do to cope with not having any answers? How do you cope with so much guilt all the time? My relationship with my mother is also totally fucked up. Reading it back is horrible and I know that she's fucked up and yet here I am following in her footsteps with the drinking. I don't think I'm an idiot so why am I acting like one? It seems like I'm blaming my dad for everything. I didn't realise I was doing that. I feel bad about it. Because how do I know what he was going through? It could have been a million times worse than my life is now and here I am blaming him. It's wrong and so I apologise to my dad if he's here, watching.
     
  4. Flatliner

    Flatliner Guest

    I feel kind of sad today. Not because of anything in particular but because of everything you know? My weekend hasn't been great and I've been thinking about a lot of things. Like how huge the world is and how insignificant one individual is. There's so many people, so many religions, so many places, so many things. We, as people, are nothing in the grand scheme of things. I suppose the most I could hope for in life is to make some kind of difference. But what kind of difference am I going to make? What can I do? What in the world will be better because of me? Relatively soon, I'll die. Maybe in 40 years, maybe in 20 years, maybe tomorrow, it doesn't matter. There'll be no hole or an imprint left for everyone to see. No lasting legacy. No statue made of gold in a town square. Nothing. I would just...........go.......and the only way I'll be remembered is if other people remember me. Once I'm dead and everyone who knew me dies too, it'll be as though I never existed. It's weird to think that I might never have existed in the minds of the future.
     
  5. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Damn Flat, what a load you have had to carry.

    Please stop feeling guilty for your father, he was obviously in a truly bad place to have done what he did. How can that be your fault, you were 12 for pete's sake.

    Your mum can only be helped when she realises she needs it, you can't fix it..she has to fix it and maybe she can't, but that isn't your fault either.

    Please see someone about the drinking and how you feel about what has and is still happening. Seems to me that in all the drama the child got forgotten and that child needs to be heard..even if now your an adult, that 12 years old is still part of you and is scared and hurting.
     
  6. Flatliner

    Flatliner Guest

    I've been staring out of my window for a while trying to find inspiration to write something else and nothing is coming to me. It's one of those days where the clouds are so white they make your eyes hurt if you look at them yet I can't seem to be able tear my eyes away. So I carry on staring at them as they float by my window and my eyes hurt but I guess if something hurts you know you can still feel. But is feeling a good thing?

    Guilt is a strange thing. It usually consumes the people that it shouldn't and leaves those that should feel guilty to wander through life with a smile on their face oblivious to what they've caused. Why does it do that? It's hard to get rid of. Once it's inside you it grabs on and doesn't let go. It feeds off your emotions and grows and grows until it takes over your entire mind and you can't cope anymore.

    My mother will end up killing herself. I can see it happening. I can see it in my dreams (or nightmares). Whether it'll be due to the drink or something I don't know but it will happen. No one will be able to prevent it. And then it'll be my turn. Like a bad seed passed on from generation to generation. History repeating itself.

    I should attempt to stop drinking, I know. I'm not even of a legal age yet for gods sake. I suppose I'm in that self destructive way of life now. Slipping deeper down so the light at the top gets further and further away....like a star in the sky at night.
     
  7. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    What u said about guilt is so true. Feel like I've carried guilt my entire life when it wasn't me that did anything. Weird that, u can know it wasn't down to u but still have the guilt.

    I can only repeat what I said before, you need to see a counsellor or therapist to help you come to terms with what has happened (and is still happening) in your life. No one should carry a burden this heavy.
     
  8. Flatliner

    Flatliner Guest

    A burden.
    That's what thoughts and feelings are sometimes. A burden. But without sadness I wouldn't know happiness. And without guilt I wouldn't know feedom. I feel free sometimes. I feel at peace sometimes. When the world is still and peaceful, when the sun sets on the sea, when the clouds float silently by, when a raindrop slides down my window like a tear from the sky. When a rainbow appears as if it were meant just for me. Without pain I wouldn't know beauty and I wouldn't be able to see the beauty in the world. No counsellor could ever give me that.
     
  9. Flatliner

    Flatliner Guest

    A rainbow appeared outside my window today. It seemed fitting that it would happen today when I'm in such a pensive mood. It's been silent all day in the house. My mother has been sleeping off her latest binge all day long. Her boyfriend is somewhere out there, in the dark, no doubt playing with the devil.

    Donald Ahrens said that rainbows are one of the most spectacular light shows observed on earth. Sunlight spread out into its spectrum of colors and diverted to the eye of the observer by water droplets. No two people can ever see the exact same rainbow so when you see a rainbow it's like a present from the skies, just for you. It's special.
     
  10. immure

    immure Account Closed

    its our promise

    they say it is by sharin our burdens that makes us family.
    ((((((((((((((((((brother))))))))))))))))))))))))))
    we hold u up
    selah
     
  11. Flatliner

    Flatliner Guest

    I always wondered who "they" were. "They" say a lot of things, some profound, some not so clever. Where do all these sayings come from? Does anyone know their origin? Is someone looking down thinking, "It was me, I said that", forgotton and unknown in the minds of the future. Just like I said I will be eventually. It happens. What use is it to say something so brilliant that the whole world uses it but no one knows your name?
     
  12. Flatliner

    Flatliner Guest

    I feel like writing but what subject do I choose? This thread has turned into almost a reflective diary for me. It's safe I suppose. There's no risk of anyone finding it under my pillow or in my wardrobe. It's relatively risk free. My mother is awake now, sitting opposite me. She looks whithered and older than she should. Her hands are shaking but she's trying to hide it. I know she wants a drink. She keeps looking at the fridge. There's a bottle of vodka in there, nicely chilled. I know she's waiting for me to go to bed so she can let that vodka slide down her throat like a precious magical potion. That bottle has a special glow for her. In her mind it glitters like its diamonds liquified, an elixir to heal her wounds. Only it isn't magic is it? It will only widen and deepen her wounds until they're a cavernous hole that consumes her to her death. I know this. Yet I want it too.
     
  13. Flatliner

    Flatliner Guest

    I sit and I watch. I sit and I try to stop. I beg and I cry. Just one drink. To stop the shaking. Just one. Have one with me. It's beautiful. Feel the warmth it gives you as it plunders down your throat like a sunrise in your body. Feel your madness fade to sane. It's perfection isn't it? Isn't it?
     
  14. Flatliner

    Flatliner Guest

    Empty promises, meaningless words. We both know your vows mean nothing. You say them automatically, like a robot, and an hour later your eyes light up, the reflection of a bottle glimmering in your pupils. Just one you say. Just one. We'll have one together. Just one. I tried refusing. I tried having one with you. Neither way works. You say you're trying but you're not. I don't want to be like you, yet I am. When you pass out on the sofa, a half finished glass in your hand, I take it and use it for my own gain. But what am I gaining? A blank mind. A thoughtless afternoon. A death for my nightmares.
     
  15. Flatliner

    Flatliner Guest

    This site has a strange air to it. For those on the fringes it has an almost sinister air. I'm not sure if that's the right word for it really but it's the closest thing I suppose. For those in the centre of this hurricane of a site it must be different, a calm, comforting place where they matter, have sigificance and are noticed. I mean, really noticed. But when does that transition happen? When do you go from being a nobody on the fringes to being in the calm of the storm? It gets like this on every forum in the world. On one such as this though, with people with so many problems and issues, can they really be expected to stick with it to eventually get the constant (rather than intermittant) support they need? People do care. But does how much they care depend on who it is asking for help? I think it does. That's the way life is isn't it?
     
    Last edited: Nov 20, 2006
  16. Flatliner

    Flatliner Guest

    I had a sister once. Her name was Emily. She was 5 and I was 7. One day she went out to play and never came back. She drowned in a nearby lake. I never had nightmares about it until I understood what drowning was. That lake is cold and murky and she was alone. She must have been so afraid. We never found out why she went there. She knew she wasn't supposed to.
     
  17. Flatliner

    Flatliner Guest

    I had to sleep in my mother's bed with her last night. She spent her afternoon and evening staring at the bottom of a glass waiting for answers that will never come. The drunker she got the more hysterical she got. Eventually she wears herself out to a whimpering mess and begs me to love her. I had to hold her all night. It makes me uncomfortable but at least she went to sleep. Oh, and threw up on me too. The question is, do I make it to school or do I stay and attempt to make sure she doesn't do it again today?
     
  18. Flatliner

    Flatliner Guest

    This is a lonely thread. Who ever thought you could feel lonely on the internet?
     
  19. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Aaawww Hun. Still listening, just don't know what to say to ease your pain.
     
  20. Flatliner

    Flatliner Guest

    You know when you choke on tears?