I've been a member of this site for a couple of weeks and have posted very little about myself so far. I've read all the different tales of hardship and terrible experiences that people have been brave enough to share and the replies of support they've got. This place seems a good place to share your thoughts and get them out of your head rather than leaving them in there to rot and posion your mind further. It's healthy to share right? I've been debating on what to say and what to tell and I've started my "story" so many times I've lost count and then deleted it and changed my mind. I don;t know what's holding me back. Fear I suppose. Fear of seeing it all in black and white. Fear of it somehow becoming more of a reality. Fear of people saying the obvious that I already know and have just pushed to the back of my head. Fear of being forced to confront certain aspects of my life. It's quite a scary thing for me to share my thoughts. I don't generally talk much, particularly about my thoughts and feelings. People ask me how I am and I automatically answer "I'm fine". They look at me and ask "Really?" and I just nod. My friends are used to me now. They think I'm just quiet and maybe a bit shy. So anyway, yes, I've gone off track. I thought I would just start by sharing a few things and then see where it took me. So, I just got out of hospital. I was in there for 6 days on iv antibiotics because of an infected wound on my stomach. I got the wound three weeks ago and tried to treat it myself. Obviously I didn't do a very good job because it got infected, I got a temperature, felt sick, dizzy and so on. I tried to avoid going to hospital, still thinking I would be okay but I wasn't. In the end I did go and ended up collapsing outside A&E. What a way to announce your arrival. At least I got seen quicker. I made up some story that no one believed but they didn't push it. I suppose the first "confession" to make is where I got it from. But I can't do that unless I give some background first. I live with my mother and her boyfriend. My mother is a recovering alcoholic. She's not doing very well and relapses all the time. She's on all sorts of pills which space her out and when she drinks she can get aggressive sometimes. I've been punched, slapped, kicked etc by her in one of her phases. Three weeks ago she was totally and utterly out of her tree and still drinking. I tried to get her to stop, tried to get the bottle away from her and she got aggressive and to cut a long story short we had a bit of a struggle and I ended up with a knife in my stomach. It wasn't particularly deep but deep enough. It bled a lot and she started to panic and get hysterical as soon as she saw the blood. I tried to keep her and myself calm by telling her it was okay and that we would sort it out. She helped me stem the blood and eventually it slowed down and almost stopped. I told her to go to bed and then I cleaned it and dressed it and everything. When she woke up she couldn't remember doing it and when I told her and showed her she was devastated. I told her it was fine. She apologised and promised to try really hard to stay off the drink. I didn't see the need to tell anyone. I believe it was an accident and that she didn't mean it. She doesn't know what she's doing in these states she gets into. I try to look after her and she appreciates that. Her boyfriend is an asshole but I won't go there right now. My mum is really messed up. I suppose I am too. We weren't always like this. I remember when we were an actual real, happy family. Things change though I suppose. But it's confusing, especially when you don't know why things happened like they did. I think I've written enough for today. There is more but I'm not sure I feel like going there right now. Some of it is buried pretty deep and I'm not sure if dragging it out is going to be a good thing for me or not. Although, keeping it inside hasn't helped much so far. Anyway, thanks for reading if you have. I'm just going to click post without reading it through so apologies if there are any grammar or spelling errors.