Man in a quiet bar leans over to the woman next to him and says "Do you want to hear a blonde joke?" The woman says "before you tell me, Im 6 foot tall, blonde and a professional body builder. The woman next to me is 6 foor 2, blonde and a professional wrestler. The woman next to her is 6 foot 5, blonde and world kick boxing champion, do you really want to tell me that blonde joke?" The man thinks for a second and says "no, not if I'm going to have to explain it 3 times" Guy goes into a bar with a giraffe round his neck and says "pint for me and one for the giraffe" The giraffe drops dead and the guy leaves it on the floor. Barman says "you can't leave that lying there" Man says "its not a lion, its a giraffe" Old couple keep forgetting things, the doctor tells them to start writing stuff down so they can remind themselves. Sat at home one day, the old woman says "I would love a bowl of icecream" The old man replies "I'll get you one, wait here..." The old woman says "Dont forget what the doctor said, you need to write it down or you'll forget" The old man replies "Im only going to the kitchen, I won't forget" A few minutes later the old man emerges with a plate of bacon and eggs and hands it to his wife. The old woman says "I knew this would happen, you forgot my toast" A woman is in the kitchen, her son is in the living room with a train set, and she hears him shout "all you bastards wanting to get off the train, feck off now, all you tossers wantint to get on, hurry up." She flys into the kitchen and shouts "You don't ever talk like that, go to your room" 2 hours later the boy comes down and starts playing with his trainset again, his mother is back in the kitchen. She hears him say "Thankyou for travelling with transpennine express, please take care when leaving the train. For those of you annoyed at the fucking 2 hour delay, blame that fat bitch in the kitchen" One day, a guy walks out from a shop to see someone pissing on his Ferrari. "Hey," says the man. "Why are you pissing on my Ferrari?" "Because I feel like it." "Tell you what -- I won't report you to the police if you can keep up with my Ferrari." "Whatever." So the guy gets in his car and drives off, going faster and faster, until he's hit 100 miles per hour. Amazingly, the guy is still keeping up. "I'm amazed," says the driver. "How are you keeping up?" "It's easy," says the running man, "when your dick is stuck in the door."