I live in a place with no computer access. I write this from where my family currently resides as I came home for a relatives health issue. Tomorrow I will go back to my new "home" where I am getting help. I cut off all contact with old friends, I've followed my bedtime routine and medication dosages, and I quit the job that put a load of unnecessary stress on me. I've listened to every word my counselor has spoken to me. Though I wish things were suddenly so much better, somewhere, I've lost my very soul. My family has no idea what I'm doing. I feel awful in lying to them but I couldn't bare to tell them I am this ill. They think I've started a life with another being when, in reality, I'm not even alive. Trying to spare them heartache, I've caused someone else more pain than anyone could ever imagine. I want to tell my family where I really live and that the people there are caring for me because I am unable to care for myself. I want to tell them that I am not functioning at all. I skipped my sleep aid tonight and my mind seems to be racing. I guess my old ways came back when I returned to my old quarters. Please excuse my mind mess. I want to pick up my phone and call. I want to sign into messenger service and chat. I want to slip back into the demonic hole I was in because it was comfortable. So many truths have came out from my house aids and the counselor. Apparently I've never learned to properly communicate. I've neglected myself so much that I've become selfish for anything and everything I can put my hands on. I obviously couldn't define love before at all. I dress according to my moods that fluctuate so much that it appears I have different identities at times. I shunned Christianity because of fear of rejection from not being perfect (as most Christians seems to portray perfection). Most of all, I have lacked the innocence we came with since it was snatched away so early on, and I have never had the chance to completely learn about life because of that. I know you won't read this. I know you'll skip over it and you won't ever think twice of it. I wish I could leave a word here and you'd know it's you I'm talking about. I'm so afraid of what I've become. I am sorry I've caused you pain. I hope things are going well for you--they aren't going so well with me. I won't cause you any more pain. Please forget about me because I am truly a lost soul. I loved you with everything. I'm sorry I threw it away to be a selfish blob of human flesh. Please forgive me.