Random musings, coping etc

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by AlexiMarie7, Feb 2, 2016.

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  1. AlexiMarie7

    AlexiMarie7 Well-Known Member

    The first thing I feel I need to type is that I am so so lonely! :( I think that on its own feels near fatal most times, much more so in addition to everything else. No, I cannot go join classes/activities and too complicated to get into without making me feel worse.

    But what prompted me to write here is that I am missing all my (destructive?) coping methods.
    I don't cut anymore, nor smoke, nor drink--although linked largely to me not going out, not having sex--never been an actual coping method but still not enjoying that release.
    So I feel sort of abandoned on my own. Yes, I exercise sometimes, but that's more because I need to and just as a way to pass some time, it's not something that I look forward to doing regularly or as a way of releasing my feelings and pain. I feel as if I just have nothing really now so it's an even tougher battle just fighting all on my own with what little wits I have left or can muster up on any given day.

    I guess in theory it is an improvement to not cut or smoke but giving them up hasn't made me feel any better at all, but I also can't return to them.

    As as aside, instead of suicidal thoughts sometimes I think/wish about getting murdered instead--does anyone else? I think ok it will be "better" for my 'family' and more acceptable to society. Not sure if this is equal to/better/worse than 'normal' suicidal thinking. Although I do believe it happening in real life would be better for those left behind I guess? (Those left behind are not a deterrent in my case at all as some are actually the cause of me wanting to escape for good, but I just mean better in a general sense objectively--more palatable).

    The new year has come and gone and things are the same. It is so hard to cling to hope when you are faced with stagnation and not even a flicker of possible change for the better despite constant effort. Hoping is actually so draining.

    Is there really never a point when it is acceptable to let go/give up? That time comes for almost everything else in life: jobs, marriages...
  2. crumbum

    crumbum Member

    I have struggled with depression and addiction as a means to mask my depression my whole life. It is really difficult to give up vices only to go on feeling the same hopelessness you've always felt. There's an objective sense that it's the right thing to do. People say if your body feels better than your mind will follow. I'm not sure how true that is, I wish it were more true for me. It seems so much easier to isolate than to put up with the pain of sociality, but I know it's not healthy, that's why I'm glad you are here, at least, it's a first step. Welcome ((((AlexiMarie))))
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  3. sofie

    sofie Banned Member

    Hi - I am glad you found this site. I am pretty new to it myself but the question I quoted you on above is the same question I was having when I joined SF. <mod edit - guidelines> I was ready to be done and had the means (still have the means, to be honest) to end it at any moment.

    Now, just a couple months later,<mod edit - guidelines> I no longer consider my mental illnesses to be terminal. I guess my point is, give yourself more time and see if you cannot heal before making any permanent decisions. Do not set a limit on your life.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 2, 2016
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