random rant-dont bother reading

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by *dilligaf*, Jul 10, 2007.

  1. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    Bear with me, haven't decided what I'm posting about....or why yet :blink:

    I'm missing my Nan SO fucking much. All I wanna do is hide under the covers and cry. That or go to her. My Mum wont leave me alone....do I want this? do I want that? why don't we go for a walk? when are you going away? when are you coming back? are you still missing Nan? how do you feel about loosing her? HOW ABOUT YOU JUST SHUT UP AND LEAVE ME ALONE MUM. I DON'T WANT TO TALK, I DON'T WANT TO EAT. AND YOU KNOW WHAT, IM 20, IF I WANTED SOMETHING I'D FUCKING GO AND GET IT. I DON'T WANT TO GO FOR A WALK. I WANT TO SLEEP. I WANT TO CRY. I WANT TO MISS NAN, AND NOT GO ON WITH MY LIFE LIKE I HAVE FORGOTTEN HER LIKE THE REST OF THE FAMILY SEEM TO BE DOING. I DON'T WANT TO FIGHT OVER THE WILL. I DON'T WANT TO GO SEE FAMILY. I DON'T WANT TO BE FRIENDLY. I DON'T WANT TO!!!!!

    A few people on here (mainly Vikki and TheAM) know JUST how badly I'm coping with all this. The rest of my family and friends are FORCING me to go back to work. I agreed to it, just to get 5minutes peace. Now I have to go see this doctor tomorrow. He tells me if I'm allowed to go back to work or not. My proper doctor says he wont give me anymore sick notes as he believes it is time for me to go back to work. I work in a pharmacy. I have suicidal urges EVERY DAY. I recently went through a phase of taking mini OD's every night. I still self harm, and my arms are a MESS. So if I went back to work everyone would know. Not to mention the fact that the ONLY thing I can think of right now is my darling Nan. I'm scared stiff that this doctor is going to say I can go back to work and then I will have to. What happens when I have a bad day? When I get triggered? When I start feeling like OD'ing? When I start thinking about Nan and wanting to be with her? Or even just wanting to cut? There are THOUSANDS of pills in our stock room, and I don't know how many razors. I go back and I'm so scared Im going to do something.

    I'm so FUCKING IN LOVE right now. It's scaring me, the more time I spend away from her, the more I realise HOW much I feel for her. I hate being away from her. Its only been a couple of days but it's driving me mad. :shy: At least I get to see her tomorrow :dance: Seriously hun, I know you are going to be reading this...I am here for you right now. I don't think I would have made it this far without you. I'm love you more than I ever thought I could feel for someone. And woot, I'm coming to stay for a few days tomorrow :dance: lol

    Fuck, I'm ranting, and I don't even know what I'm tlaking about. Sorry to have wasted your time. :hiding: