Random Rant... *possible trigger*

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by sophie_b, May 16, 2008.

  1. sophie_b

    sophie_b Well-Known Member

    my moods are getting worse, im up and down all the time and its driving me mad. i love it when im up but i allways know that a downer is going to follow.
    ive been realy low lately, but its weird its like when i am low i get realy angry at myself for being low. i feel like im being pathetic so i just boil up and hate myself for feeling the way i do. then because i feel so angry i feel the need to SI. most of the time i just walk around my house for like 10mins realy frustrated then i just kinda cry and then i SI. then afterwards i feel so much better. its because of that feeling that i dont want to stop. its like SI is the only thing that stops me from going into an angry rage all the time.
    aarggh
    i just keep getting so frustrated at myself all the time, just the smallest things set me off. like this morning i tried to do myself some toast for breakfast but after i did it and went to eat it i couldnt, id lost my appetite, and that made me angry at myself. even now while im typing this if i make a spelling mistake i feel realy angry and stupid, but then i feel more angry at the fact that i feel angry and stupid, then i feel the need to SI. because of these feelings i find myself self harming more and more, but as i said i feel like its the only thing that stops me blowing up in anger.
    i just want to stop feeling like this all the time, i just want to be happy. i feel like giving up all the time, all i do is think that if i was meant to be happy i would be already.
    im just finding things realy difficult lately. im miss my dad, my whole family. i feel lonely all he time like i dont have anyone there that can just talk to and get things off my chest. i used to be able to speak to my dad about almost anything but then mum caused loads of problems and my whle family just fell apart. sometimes i feel realy guilty though because i think that if i wasnt so close to my dad none of this would have happened in the first place, it makes me angry that all of this could me my fault. why has my mum always hated me? i must have done something to make her hate me!
    im just sick of feeling like shit, im sick of stayin in this huge house by myself all the time. im sick of my friends avoiding me because they know im depressed and they now feel awkward being around me. even my best friend looks at me funny when she sees my scars. i mean yeah fair enough it can make someone uncomfortable but surely someone whos known you all your life wouldnt feel uncomfortable and would try to be understanding. oh i duno i feel like everyone who was close to me are realy far away now and its just getting harder and harder to talk to people and open up. ive always found it hard to speak and open up about things. i dont know why i feel embarassed or something, about my problems.
    just so comfused about so much stuff right now, i feel like ive got a thousand things running through my head all at the same time and i cant stop and focus on one thing. i feel so, blah all the time... just... blah.
    x