Random rant (triggering)

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by unnoticed, Jul 2, 2014.

  1. unnoticed

    unnoticed Well-Known Member

    I don't even know why I'm writing this. I'm not expecting any replies and all the "it's gonna be ok" and the "it's gonna get better" won't help.

    This summer it will be a year since my mom passed away. Since then I lost everything. Every single decision I made in the last 12 months has been the wrong one. I wish i could take this year back. Do everything differently. Maybe my mom would still be alive. Maybe I would still have friends to turn to. Maybe I wouldn't be completely alone feeling like if I die no one would care.

    12 months ago I belonged somewhere. I felt like I mattered. Like I had a place to go to when everything was going wrong. Now it's all gone. Now when everything is wrong the only thing I do is shut everyone out and cut. No one even knows how bad it is. I always did that, the whole pretending to be happy thing. But there was a group of people who knew me. Who would ask what was wrong even when I put on the fake smile. Not anymore.

    I tried to blame others for everything that happened lately but I can't. Being angry doesn't help. Now I only blame myself and hate myself every day for everything that went wrong.

    .....

    Like I said though, talking doesn't help so I don't even know why I started writing this shit. Sorry.
     
  2. shadowheart

    shadowheart Well-Known Member

    At least now that you have lost it all...there is nothing left to loose.
    Having nothing left to loose is a really powerful thing.
    You can do just about anything without being any worse off.
    If you have nothing, you cant loose anything.

    That's what I keep telling myself, and it's turned out to be pretty true.
    I'm not going to tell you that it gets better, just that it probably wont get much worse.