everything rots, fails, falls, smells, ends. and in the end we're left sitting in a sea of bitterness. sometimes i think i can see the Dark Lady. why should death be the domain of the masculine? no reason it shouldn't be, of course, but it just doesn't seem that way to me. I see her, but only out of the corner of my eye. she waits patiently, Victorian era mourning clothing, down to the giant bustle on the back. you'd think if i were fantasizing about females she'd be wearing considerably less. but, nope. Still she's rather pretty, something of a crooked smile. jet black hair, straight, tied in a long simple tail, with what almost looks like a piece of yarn. also only bit of white clothing, curiously. i turn my head, and she's gone. but...she'll be back. of that i have no doubt. i seem to have lost my ability to taste food of late. yet i eat more than ever. caught a reflection of myself in a store window downtown yesterday. quite the belly i've sprouted. will probably do something about it, and will probably not be successful at doing it...though if food has no taste you'd think that would be easy. it certainly doesn't bring me any joy. the doctor said no booze for three months, so i've had no booze for almost three months. i've honestly not been much of a drinker for at least a decade, but tell me i can't do something and i start thinking about it. three months is up June 6. will pick up a sixpack of something cheap on the ride home, post blood draw. i guess i can toast the, let's see, the D-Day Invasion was June 6, 1944. so June 6, 2008 will be the 65th anniversary. :smile: why did the doctor say no booze for three months? something about liver enzymes, believe it or not. when he said that i almost jumped up and shook his hand. liver cancer, fuck yeah... save me the trouble of going up to New Hampshire to buy what is difficult to obtain in Massachusetts and I guess I can't say any more on that topic or the high sheriffs will edit my post. nice having the land of live free or die with cheap state run liquor store booze plus no sales or income tax reasonably close by. plus other benefits, one of which can't be named here. but of course, there would be no trip to New Hampshire, at least for that. i know i'm going to live. or at any rate not off myself, though hopefully nature has other ideas. not for some time. i have a sinking feeling this cup is far from passing from my lips. which is why this whole liver business seems so promising. even though, of course, it isn't. if there'd been anything seriously wrong do you think he'd have said get your blood drawn in three months? but one can hope. perhaps my lady will extend her hand? move from the periphery to the center. and when she does, i will stand. bow as best i can, and graciously take her hand. though of course it won't be. death is a messy, smelly, rotten and curiously embarassing business. anyone who thinks otherwise is sadly deluded. but let me keep at least one delusion, will you?