random thoughts

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by worlds edge, May 24, 2008.

  1. worlds edge

    worlds edge Well-Known Member

    everything rots, fails, falls, smells, ends. and in the end we're left sitting in a sea of bitterness. sometimes i think i can see the Dark Lady. why should death be the domain of the masculine? no reason it shouldn't be, of course, but it just doesn't seem that way to me. I see her, but only out of the corner of my eye. she waits patiently, Victorian era mourning clothing, down to the giant bustle on the back. you'd think if i were fantasizing about females she'd be wearing considerably less. but, nope. Still she's rather pretty, something of a crooked smile. jet black hair, straight, tied in a long simple tail, with what almost looks like a piece of yarn. also only bit of white clothing, curiously.

    i turn my head, and she's gone. but...she'll be back. of that i have no doubt.

    i seem to have lost my ability to taste food of late. yet i eat more than ever. caught a reflection of myself in a store window downtown yesterday. quite the belly i've sprouted. will probably do something about it, and will probably not be successful at doing it...though if food has no taste you'd think that would be easy. it certainly doesn't bring me any joy.

    the doctor said no booze for three months, so i've had no booze for almost three months. i've honestly not been much of a drinker for at least a decade, but tell me i can't do something and i start thinking about it. three months is up June 6. will pick up a sixpack of something cheap on the ride home, post blood draw. i guess i can toast the, let's see, the D-Day Invasion was June 6, 1944. so June 6, 2008 will be the 65th anniversary. :smile:

    why did the doctor say no booze for three months? something about liver enzymes, believe it or not. when he said that i almost jumped up and shook his hand. liver cancer, fuck yeah... save me the trouble of going up to New Hampshire to buy what is difficult to obtain in Massachusetts and I guess I can't say any more on that topic or the high sheriffs will edit my post. nice having the land of live free or die with cheap state run liquor store booze plus no sales or income tax reasonably close by. plus other benefits, one of which can't be named here.

    but of course, there would be no trip to New Hampshire, at least for that. i know i'm going to live. or at any rate not off myself, though hopefully nature has other ideas. not for some time. i have a sinking feeling this cup is far from passing from my lips. which is why this whole liver business seems so promising. even though, of course, it isn't. if there'd been anything seriously wrong do you think he'd have said get your blood drawn in three months?

    but one can hope. perhaps my lady will extend her hand? move from the periphery to the center. and when she does, i will stand. bow as best i can, and graciously take her hand.

    though of course it won't be. death is a messy, smelly, rotten and curiously embarassing business. anyone who thinks otherwise is sadly deluded.

    but let me keep at least one delusion, will you?
  2. worlds edge

    worlds edge Well-Known Member

    kind of odd that that pedophile lesbian's thread got pulled, isn't it?

    Her blog has been taken down, too.

    Wonder if she was for real, or just another 90 day jane load of crap? hard to say, at first i thought genuine and am still inclined to think so. but, maybe not.

    one bit of absurdity: On one entry of her blog she made pretend she was on that "are you smarter than a fifth grader" show. one of the funnier bits i think i've ever read on a blog anywhere. so, genuine or fake, thanks for the giggle. too bad its gone to the server in the sky.
  3. worlds edge

    worlds edge Well-Known Member

    all these "news and announcements" threads.

    I'm going away for the weekend!

    so-and-so is "safe," though how being delivered up to the tender mercies of the psychiatric industrial complex/meatgrinder makes one "safe" is of course open to debate. but not here. The psychiatric industrial complex/meatgrinder never does anything wrong. Now here's your blue pill.

    Here's an "announcment:" i'm going to go produce a giant turd. stay tuned to this space for further information as whether it was a floater or a sinker.
  4. worlds edge

    worlds edge Well-Known Member

    just realized: since all of our toilets are the new US gov't. mandated low volume flushers all turds produced in our household are in fact sinkers.

    people who want the old style high capacity toilets have been known to smuggle them across the Canadian border. or go scavenge them from junkyards.

    but, not for us. techonology marches on and floaters become obsolete. And I must admit the only time i've needed multiple flushes to get it all down is after a night of beer drinking and mexican food eating. so low capacity in general does work out okay.

    so, alas, any anxiety produced as to the previous post is now dissipated.
  5. worlds edge

    worlds edge Well-Known Member

    it would be kind of cool if this site had a "shout box."

    i think i'll go request one.

    yes, i know there's chat, but, dunno i seem to deal better with the shout box. not sure why, but there you have it.
  6. worlds edge

    worlds edge Well-Known Member

    Snippet from a PM I just sent...

    ...jesus christ on a pogo stick do i need to get back to my regularly scheduled programming... :dry:
  7. worlds edge

    worlds edge Well-Known Member

    The most annoying part of not being actively depressed is that my libido has returned, well, up to a point. At my age sex is just an annoyance. Wish there was some sort of toggle switch thingy I could flip to turn it off.
  8. worlds edge

    worlds edge Well-Known Member

    I seem to be on the rising edge of a manic phase. During this time my suicidiality will manifest itself, if it does at all, by me picking a fight with someone at least twice my size, half my age and in infinitely better shape. In short, somebody that I would have zero chance of winning any sort of fight against.

    Last time I went through this I vomited blood for a few days, had my face turned into a complete mess and had a ringing in my ears for at least a month. Oddly, no broken bones, no lost teeth, not even a broken nose. Probably did get a concussion of sorts, since I seemed to stumble over my own feet for months afterwards. The gentleman who assisted me in my efforts seemed quite fond of the skull to curbstone move, though I guess he stopped once I blacked out.

    All completely justified, of course. Boy, did I push his buttons. :smile:

    The last time this happened my wife was out of town on a business trip, and my son had not yet been born. Plus since I'm now living in a different state I'm not quite sure where the best bar to pull this stunt is. Much, much, much easier an enterprise to arrange five years ago. Details, details, details. :dry:

    I'd kind of thought I was done with the manic stuff, to be honest. It is certainly very rare (about once every five years) and lasts only a very short while (three days to a week). I suppose I could just wait a few days and save myself some pain...though there's kind of an incompleteness about this in only have gone through this twice. Isn't the third time supposed to be a charm?
  9. worlds edge

    worlds edge Well-Known Member

    fuck. my heart is racing.

    for no reason.

    this is NOT GOOD....

    computer goes off and dog, child and i go for a walk. i hope that'll help.
  10. worlds edge

    worlds edge Well-Known Member

    The sight of the being that is me makes my skin crawl. I cannot express how deeply I hate myself at the moment. What is interesting is that I seem to oscillate from a sort of indifference to this visceral and I suspect largely irrational self-hate. In my case hatred does not seem to have an opposite in love, only indifference. I say "irrational" only because I've done nothing in my life that I can figure warrants this feeling. But, there you go.
  11. worlds edge

    worlds edge Well-Known Member

    The most irritating phrase people throw around this site is "stay safe." What could be safer than non-existence? What brings more pain and less "safety" than my continued existence?

    What makes it irritating? First, it presupposes a common understanding of what is meant by "safety." Second, it presupposes that this version of "safe" of all possible ones is in fact the correct one, when, to my mind anyway, most evidence points to the contrary. Third, it presupposes that what I may or may not want is same thing the person extending this phrase wants.

    In short, it is a bigoted, stupid, arrogant and patronizing term.

    But by all means, "stay safe."

    Well, fuck you. :smile: