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Random thoughts

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by garderob, Aug 31, 2010.

  1. garderob

    garderob New Member

    I thought I was on my way out of this last year. Got into med school, moved to a new city, made new friends. And I was feeling better, but the depression never fully left, and now it's gotten worse again. And it sucks.

    I've felt this way for three and a half years now. Never talked to anybody about it. And I probably won't, I can't stand pity.

    90 % of the times I drink I get wasted. I always get blackouts, and while I most often don't do anything stupid it's making me feel like fucking rubbish.

    And the girl who are somewhat responsible for making me feel like shit for the last years has moved down from our hometown to the neighbouring city. We have had our falling outs but now we are friends again - but I don't know if I want to be. I will probably fall in love with her again and she will diss me again. And so it goes.

    And I can't commit suicide because of the usual stuff: family, friends, fear of death etc. So I'm just waking up to feel hollow and end every night by contemplating suicide.

    And I feel lonely as hell, even though I'm not. It's like a line from The Science of Sleep (great movie by the way): "You could sleep with the entire planet and still feel rejected." I just want somebody to really love me, but I'm kind of a fuck-up and the demand is low on fuck-ups.

    And I can't see how I'm going to recover from this: maybe I should go to the doctor and start popping pills. It's probably better than drinking yourself half to death and spend the next days loathing yourself.

    I have wanted to write this for so long but now when I finally found a place to ventilate I can't even come up with the words. All of the above is very forced. Maybe it's because it's not my native tounge (I'm from Sweden). Maybe I should try again some other time.
  2. Daijou

    Daijou Well-Known Member

    It's hard to talk about depression to the people you know. I've found that writing all of your feelings and thoughts out is a great way to get started. Even if you don't plan on sharing them with anyone, it's a great way to vent all of your frustrations without harming anything.
    It sounds like you have a lot going for you right now though, which is good to hear. If you're worried about falling for the girl again, and afraid of getting hurt more, then maybe try to keep a little distance between you as to not open old wounds.
    Meds are certainly an option, although I'm personally against them (sometimes I really wish I had them though). If you think they'll help ease the emptiness a little, then it might be worth a try.
    There are plenty of people here to talk to and get advice from, so keep trying when you feel comfortable with it. Everyone has open ears and understands what you're going through here.
  3. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I think you did well with your writing and i hope you continue to share with us...
    If you hav been sad for that long I reckon you should talk to your doctor about meds...they can help you have a better quality of life....they would be a better alternative than the alcohol which can make depression worse..
    and agree with daijou about staying away from the girl.....
    take care