I thought I was on my way out of this last year. Got into med school, moved to a new city, made new friends. And I was feeling better, but the depression never fully left, and now it's gotten worse again. And it sucks. I've felt this way for three and a half years now. Never talked to anybody about it. And I probably won't, I can't stand pity. 90 % of the times I drink I get wasted. I always get blackouts, and while I most often don't do anything stupid it's making me feel like fucking rubbish. And the girl who are somewhat responsible for making me feel like shit for the last years has moved down from our hometown to the neighbouring city. We have had our falling outs but now we are friends again - but I don't know if I want to be. I will probably fall in love with her again and she will diss me again. And so it goes. And I can't commit suicide because of the usual stuff: family, friends, fear of death etc. So I'm just waking up to feel hollow and end every night by contemplating suicide. And I feel lonely as hell, even though I'm not. It's like a line from The Science of Sleep (great movie by the way): "You could sleep with the entire planet and still feel rejected." I just want somebody to really love me, but I'm kind of a fuck-up and the demand is low on fuck-ups. And I can't see how I'm going to recover from this: maybe I should go to the doctor and start popping pills. It's probably better than drinking yourself half to death and spend the next days loathing yourself. I have wanted to write this for so long but now when I finally found a place to ventilate I can't even come up with the words. All of the above is very forced. Maybe it's because it's not my native tounge (I'm from Sweden). Maybe I should try again some other time.