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Random Venting

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by sisyphus, Jan 30, 2018.

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  1. sisyphus

    sisyphus Active Member

    Feel free to ignore this. I just HAVE to vent before my mind blows... I understand no one can give advice on that and I am sorry haha I just needed to pour it all out of my chest...


    __________
    It can only get harder. It is downhill from now on. I gave up on all of my college duties. And I am no one outside the academic life. I can't be a housekeeper, not only because I'm lazy and sloopy, but because I am unprepared for it (I can't do anything right). I can't be a housewife. I can't be a mother, I am too lousy. I can't work with anything because I have no experience at all.
    My only and single ability ever developed is my thinking. I am nothing but my brain. A bunch of synapsis I trained to occur in a certain way, working well with logic and patterns and always working not to lose the grip of it, always trying to learn and store the knowledge so I could amount to something. It looks like I am to be the intelectual kind, but I fail at it constantly too. Anyway, people don't seem to notice what a fraud that is, so they believe it. Therefore, it is my only feature, it's who I am.
    But it is empty. And I know that. And I always have...

    That emptiness has stopped me from going on and I interrupted my very capacities of functioning in educational levels, and any kind of study related matters has been deleted from my brain and the chemics of my body do not respond to it in any way.

    But now the emptiness of being like that and not amounting to anything hurts like hell. And I realize. once again, that I am completely on my own. Drifting away from everything and becoming a disaster. I want to end it again. And now, my loneliness would be perfect for dying, hadn't I fucked it all up by starting a relationship in the hopes I was becoming a normal person who longed for a common existence. Here I am, completely alone, wanting to die again, but utterly unable to do so, strapped in the need not to hurt someone who has no idea how I feel and who could never imagine how much I pray for death to embrace me and how much I cry at night scared that I will wake up again and have to live in the morning.
     
  2. sisyphus

    sisyphus Active Member

    Just in case someone reads this and gets worried...
    The guy knows about my depression, I never hide it from him. He is actually an old friend, who stopped me from ending my life 4 years ago and has been taking care of me for the past 6 years.
    We got together as a couple a month ago... I didn't mean any harm... I thought I was recovered... But I can't tell him that I am down again. He has his own problems to deal with and he's already absolutely overwhelmed. He couldn't bare another hit like this.
     
  3. gee nee

    gee nee Active Member

    You are a very smart person from the way you describe yourself , you have a very beautiful mind. Your strength is in your thinking, so why not use that to your advantage. Have you tried changing the way you see yourself or feel about yourself? Have you tried to make new memories, new ways to live your life that you are not feeling lousy at everything that you do? You have plenty to offer others, make each day count. You are strong sister. You are worth living.
     
    DrownedFishOnFire and sisyphus like this.
  4. Walker

    Walker Everything Zen Staff Member Safety & Support SF Social Media SF Supporter

    Reading... and understand your venting. We get it.
     
    sisyphus likes this.
  5. Paisley

    Paisley * * * SF Artist SF Supporter

    An overwhelming number of highly intelligent people throughout history have also been incredibly sad. Depth of thinking can be a blessing as much as a burden.
     
    sisyphus likes this.
  6. sisyphus

    sisyphus Active Member

    Thank you all so much! I read it all before but only now I had the strength to talk about the matter again...
    I really appreciate that you took your time to answer. It really means a lot to have people listening to me.
    I have been trying to make it better in the last month. But that didn't work out too well... I am now at disagreement with myself. I just wanted an end. But I can not do it so I might as well keep hanging on. Thank you again for all of the support!
     
    DrownedFishOnFire and Paisley like this.
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