Feel free to ignore this. I just HAVE to vent before my mind blows... I understand no one can give advice on that and I am sorry haha I just needed to pour it all out of my chest...
__________
It can only get harder. It is downhill from now on. I gave up on all of my college duties. And I am no one outside the academic life. I can't be a housekeeper, not only because I'm lazy and sloopy, but because I am unprepared for it (I can't do anything right). I can't be a housewife. I can't be a mother, I am too lousy. I can't work with anything because I have no experience at all.
My only and single ability ever developed is my thinking. I am nothing but my brain. A bunch of synapsis I trained to occur in a certain way, working well with logic and patterns and always working not to lose the grip of it, always trying to learn and store the knowledge so I could amount to something. It looks like I am to be the intelectual kind, but I fail at it constantly too. Anyway, people don't seem to notice what a fraud that is, so they believe it. Therefore, it is my only feature, it's who I am.
But it is empty. And I know that. And I always have...
That emptiness has stopped me from going on and I interrupted my very capacities of functioning in educational levels, and any kind of study related matters has been deleted from my brain and the chemics of my body do not respond to it in any way.
But now the emptiness of being like that and not amounting to anything hurts like hell. And I realize. once again, that I am completely on my own. Drifting away from everything and becoming a disaster. I want to end it again. And now, my loneliness would be perfect for dying, hadn't I fucked it all up by starting a relationship in the hopes I was becoming a normal person who longed for a common existence. Here I am, completely alone, wanting to die again, but utterly unable to do so, strapped in the need not to hurt someone who has no idea how I feel and who could never imagine how much I pray for death to embrace me and how much I cry at night scared that I will wake up again and have to live in the morning.
__________
It can only get harder. It is downhill from now on. I gave up on all of my college duties. And I am no one outside the academic life. I can't be a housekeeper, not only because I'm lazy and sloopy, but because I am unprepared for it (I can't do anything right). I can't be a housewife. I can't be a mother, I am too lousy. I can't work with anything because I have no experience at all.
My only and single ability ever developed is my thinking. I am nothing but my brain. A bunch of synapsis I trained to occur in a certain way, working well with logic and patterns and always working not to lose the grip of it, always trying to learn and store the knowledge so I could amount to something. It looks like I am to be the intelectual kind, but I fail at it constantly too. Anyway, people don't seem to notice what a fraud that is, so they believe it. Therefore, it is my only feature, it's who I am.
But it is empty. And I know that. And I always have...
That emptiness has stopped me from going on and I interrupted my very capacities of functioning in educational levels, and any kind of study related matters has been deleted from my brain and the chemics of my body do not respond to it in any way.
But now the emptiness of being like that and not amounting to anything hurts like hell. And I realize. once again, that I am completely on my own. Drifting away from everything and becoming a disaster. I want to end it again. And now, my loneliness would be perfect for dying, hadn't I fucked it all up by starting a relationship in the hopes I was becoming a normal person who longed for a common existence. Here I am, completely alone, wanting to die again, but utterly unable to do so, strapped in the need not to hurt someone who has no idea how I feel and who could never imagine how much I pray for death to embrace me and how much I cry at night scared that I will wake up again and have to live in the morning.
