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Rant alert (it's very long, sorry)

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by bloodysunday, Apr 16, 2007.

  1. bloodysunday

    bloodysunday Well-Known Member

    I am part of a great loving, close family. I have great kids. I eventually left my abusive husband. Eventualy I met a great guy. It didn'y work out unfortunately. Around the same time the relationship didn't work, a close friend became "closer". Later we maried.

    When thing are good, yeah they're good. When things are bad, they're very bad.

    New husband told me he was abused as a child. He's extreemly secretive. He's had numerous affairs. I found out about his 1st affair by chance, he'd been seeing a mutual internet friend but was livibg a double life. To the "friend" he was known as person A and person B. He had 2 personas. As person A he was my bloke, very happy and preparing to get married. As person B he had left a relationship and was single.

    When I discovered this, he was so sorry, didn't know why etc etc. Later after further affairs, it was my own fault for denying him sex. During that time I was recovering from a serious illness, had just returned to full time work that was very demanding physically and mentally, then coming home to be a full time mum/wife with zero help. My interest in sex was more to do with sheer exhaustion.

    There is more, on a sexual side, he's forced me to do things I don't want to do. Things that left me feeling dirty, cheap and slutty. I would ask him why? Sometimes he said it was what I deserved. Other times he would say he just couldn't stop. When I asked him why he ignored my repeated requests that he stop etc, he said I was just saying "no" when really I meant yes.

    He tells me he's secretive because he was abused as a child, that he dosn't know how to be any different. He blames me for the majority of arguements. I know this is going to sound so pathetic really, but it IS an example of what i mean.


    Prior to going out of the house, I popped my head out the back door to check windows, I noticed that mine and husband windows are open. I hadn't been upstairs since leaving the door @ 6am. I asked children to close their windows (which they did) I asked husband too and he merely grunted.

    We all left the house together and got into my car. Before I pulled off the drive I again asked if the children had closed their windows, they said yes (as their windows are at the fron of the house I could see that they were indeed closed). I turned to husband and asked if he had closed our windows

    ME: did our windows get closed (silly of me as I already know they are open)
    HUSBAND: not sure i will go and check
    (husband gets back into car)
    ME: were the windows closed?
    HUSBAND: yes, i knew they were. I only checked to shut you up
    ME: they weren't closed at all were they?
    (total silence)
    HUSBAND: that's right call me a liar
    ME: I know the windows weren't closed, I had looked out the back door before leaving and asked you to check, you never went upstairs.

    At that point he told me to stop the car, he got out, hurled abuse at my children then almost ripped the car door off it's hinges as he slammed it shut before stomping away. I have been left wondering should I have said nothing at all, ignore that he chose to tell me the windows were closed when I know they weren't. Why did he feel it necessary to lie about it anyway. That is just an example of the many many lies he tells.

    Last night, he chose to sleep elsewhere.

    I have days where I think to myself I am a really bad person, and that all the problems in my relationship are my fault. After all, this is my second marriage, I must be at fault. Then I rationalise, and I think, no, no-one deserves to be beaten by their spouse (meaning husband number 1). Then i question why is this happening a 2nd time.

    At the start of my relationship with husband number 2, my family all really liked him, but gradually all my family have come to detest him. He has, through what can only be described as stupidity, run up debts of over £70k. I had £40 in savings which i used to bail hm out. I now feel resentful for doing that now because I no longer have my safety net. I have had to take out a £20k loan to pay off his debts, my parents loaned him £10k (they have now been repaid) That's where the £70k has gone.

    All the time I feel as though I am fighting a losing battle to keep my head above water and not drown financially. Then I see him spend £100+ on a car stereo (his got stolen) that really isn't needed as their are spare car stereos sitting in the garage that could have been used. But no, he doesn't like those as they won't play MP3's. Perhaps I am overreacting, but I fail to understand how, when we are up to our necks in debt, he can justify buying something that's NOT necessary!

    Sorry, rant over.
  2. bloodysunday

    bloodysunday Well-Known Member

    I should have said, I hate me as well, I think I am totally to blame. Perhaps I should allow my husband to do what he wants and not question his resons and just be the good lil wife sitting in the corner saying 'yes dear, no dear' doing what he wants.

    When I look at my medicine cabinet, when I look at all my prescribed pain relief meds that I never took because they made me too drowsy to be able to function. I think to myself 'kids are at their dad's, hubby doesn't give a toss, mmmmmmm pills, mmmmmmm vodka'

    One day, children will be all grown up soon and won't need to rely on me any more. Until then.. I will carry on, existing
  3. Allo..

    Allo.. Well-Known Member

    It sounds as though you have certainly been through your fair share of hard times.. The side of you telling you that what is going on is wrong, is right. You do not deserve any of this crap and you shouldnt be going through any of it. personally, i think you should leave your husband if things dont improve, this is really wrong and you shouldnt have to deal with it. I'm glad you are going to stay around for your kids, they need you, more than anything, and i very much hope thinsg have improved for you by the time they have grown up, even when your children are 20 they still need you, they still need their mother to be able to come to and have a rant or gossip about their friends or partners or anything. This stuff is wrong, please don't let yourself get hurt anymore..
  4. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    :mad: Why do we women do this to ourselves!!! There is no way u should be forced into doing anything sexual that u dont like. There is no excuse for infidelity and the lying over nothing is in NO WAY your fault!!!
    Sure he has issues, sure being abused as a kid has messed with his head..does this give him carte blanche to behave like a dickhead...NO!!!
    You are fully justified in being angry and please dont let some bloody man send you so low that you feel your only option is to kill yourself!!
  5. bloodysunday

    bloodysunday Well-Known Member

    Yet another blazing row. Why? Because husband made toasties and left a god awful mess. I say nothing, just go right ahead and clean it up. Husband tells me to leave it as he will sort it and promptly picks up the toastie machine and goes to put it in the cupboard. When I ask him to pass it to me as it needs to be cleaned first he goes off on one.

    Later, I go into the lounge to sit down having cleaned his mess. He again says I should have left it. I point out the last three times he's made toasties and i have come to use it after him, it has always been disgusting, dirty.

    Perhaps I am over sensitive. I was brought up by my parents that if a toasted sandwich was made, the sandwich machine was to be cleeaned immediately so it was always ready for the nxt person.

    Once again I have found myself apologising for something I don't eally feel sorry about, just to try and keep the peace