I'm not sure what this is going to turn in to. I haven't posted here in so long, and it's because I'm very unsure of what sort of response I will get, if anything. I guess I don't expect much because there are now very few people here who I know, and who really know me. Sure there's people who know my name and a tiny part of my life, but there are very few people who really know me anymore. I think I like it that way though. I used to find this place a huge comfort..somewhere I just HAD to be every day, every hour that I could, and now I find myself rarely logging in. I guess that's a good thing though, right? Anyway, that wasn't the point of this post..I told you I don't know where this is going. The whole point is..I'm struggling so fucking much right now and I've put on this act to make people believe that I'm okay. I fucking joke around and act happy 24/7. I guess I've learned well. But I'm about ready to break. I'm honestly not sure how much more I can take. Things are so fucking stressful right now, I don't know what to do with myself. Absolutely no one here knows what I've been through in the past few months, and honestly I don't feel like going into it. To say the least, I'm without a job, and basically just waiting for someone to kick me out of this apartment because it's already rented to someone else. I'm lucky to have electricity at this point. I don't have running water or anything else in the house. None of this has happened through lack of trying. I've gone out and searched for jobs. I've gone to interviews and done tests for jobs..still fucking nothing! I'm afraid I'm going to end up living on the streets. I've been there once before, but I was a child, and of course had my parents. I'm fucking 21 years old and I'm not anyone else's responsibility! My brother has done absolutely everything he can to make sure that I'm okay, and my girlfriend has done everything that she can to help. I feel fucking horrible and so damn guilty that I have to even accept help from anyone. I'm usually a very independent person and I like to do things on my own. Lately, that hasn't been possible. All I do is sit in this room on the couch, acting online all day. When will things fucking change?!?! Also, my girlfriend is having a very rough time at the moment. Her mother died when she was young, and with mother's day coming up, it's difficult for her (as anyone could imagine). She comes to me when she's feeling down and I'm so thankful for that. I'm glad she comes to me and tells me things..I love that. I just don't know what to do for her. She tells me that I'm doing all I can by just being there, but I feel like I should be doing more. I don't know what, just..more. Everything has gotten to me so much lately, that I've been self harming again. It had been months since I'd done anything, and I started up again. First is started with just hitting myself..no big deal right? Then I went running a few times with it being very hot outside, and knowing full well that I don't do heat. I made myself do it anyway. Then last night, I let some shit with my ex get to me, and I cut. I carved a certain word into my leg. Again, I cut today! I don't even know why I did it today. Maybe because I feel like such a shitty girlfriend, or maybe because I'm a complete failure..I don't know anymore why I did it. I just know it needs to stop. I feel like I'm headed back to where I used to be. All of these things are building up, just like they used to, and I'm keeping it all inside. This is how I became depressed and suicidal before, and I'm letting it happen again. We will see how long it lasts this time. For anyone who's read through all this shit, I'm sorry to bore you. I do appreciate you reading through all of it. Thanks.