rant *maybe language*

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Vitreledonellidae, Jun 19, 2007.

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  1. Vitreledonellidae

    Vitreledonellidae Well-Known Member

    Ah god damn, threw up after dinner, binged twice on one evening, threw up once, i'm sure i gained that 44 pounds i lost since december are back on now. I feel so disgusting, so fat, so ugly, so weak, so pathetic, and than there is this little voice in my head, which i created and says it too, putting me down constantly.
    I'm so fucking sick of it, thinking sonstantly about that god damn food, losing weight, because i'm still too fucking fat, ugly, i'm just so disgusting. if you would see me you would vomit, run away and having nightmares about me for the rest of your life.
    Sick of the throwing up, sick of feeling so tired, sick of the binging, sick of calorie counting, sick of the voice, sick of the mirrors, sick of my shadow, sick of sports, sick of exercises, sick of the scale, sick of clothes, sick of being fat, sick of being ugly, sick of being so disgusting, sick of being so weak, sick of being me.
    Its controlling my life, all i want is to lose weight, is to feel beautifull, there is nothing beautifull about me. Everything will be better if i'm thin, i know it. So why am i failing almost everyday, why keep i fucking this up, its not so hard to lose weight, am i so fucking, so fucking pathetic, that i cant control this, that i'm still so fucking fat. I cant stop with this, I dont want to be like a few months ago and i dont want to be like this, i need to continue. I cant stop, this will make me better. I fucking hate myself, wanna shoot myself in the head and just end this shit
  2. LetItGo

    LetItGo Staff Alumni

    I just wish I could say something, anything, to help you feel a tiny bit better, even if its just for one day. You dont deserve to live like this, with this torment controlling your life. If I could take that voice away that keeps putting you down, that keeps pushing you into this cycle, I would do it in a heartbeat. Then I would put in its place the real you, that beautiful soul that really is you, a voice that supports you, through success and failure, not the voice of self hate, of self loathing, but a voice that encourages you to be everything you want to be, everything you can be, everything I know you will be.
  3. Vitreledonellidae

    Vitreledonellidae Well-Known Member

    thanks matt and kurt :hug:

    The thing is, I do deserve this, I actually need this, in a retarded way I want this. Its hard now, but its always feels hard, feeling bad before you get better, right? At least thats what my therapist says...
  4. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Yes Jules, therapist is spot on..very hard to weather but hang on because it does get better and it does get easier. I guess we have to strip away all the defence mechanisms that make us feel a tad better about ourselves and thats what makes you feel so crap right now.

    Keep plugging hun, the only way is up :smile:
  5. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    I love u to bits and I agree with what terry said. Keep on treading because in the end it will get better. I have faith in you. :hug: stay sweet and stay strong. (boisenberry today)
  6. Vitreledonellidae

    Vitreledonellidae Well-Known Member

    After that post i decided just not to eat anymore. I didnt eat for 50 hours, living on cigs, water and cola light. Yeah I know not that much. But I fainted again yesterday, so I thought maybe its a good idea to eat >.< So I ate when I came home from work. Felt so sick afterwards, but I didnt want to throw up. I dont want to throw up anymore :sad: 1,5 hour later I threw up, because i felt so sick. I said to some not on purpose, but I did :unsure: Today the same, for breakfast I had some bread with peanutbutter and I got so sick again and threw up, lunch the same thing, I got so sick and threw up again.
    Maybe I really am sick, but I'm just sure this is different. I just cant eat a thing without throwing up. I even throw up when I eat fruit or veggies. I guess, my stomach and mind are on the same level now: Food is disgusting.
    But yet I love food, I guess at least half my life i always ate to feel a bit better. And damn, some food tastes just really good. It feels like I have 2 different personalities, who are constantly fighting in my head. And I'm not schizophrenic. Its like what you see in cartoons, on one side the devil on the other side an angel, but I cant see what is the good thing. They both have advantages and disadvantages. Ok sorry, that sounds lame...
    I just want to eat normal like everyone else. But I cant. Dont want to get so fat again, I still need to lose weight, I still want to feel beautifull for once. So I still need to starve myself a few days a week, I still need to throw up after every meal, I still need to bike at least 1,5 hour every day.
    Eating used to be fun for me, with your family or friends on table chatting up, laughing etc. Puking used to be something I did when I was really sick, use to be something disgusting, I did like 1 time a year. Biking used to be fun for me, now I have to go as fast as possible and I'm not going fast enough if I dont feel pain in my legs.
    Blegh I dont know what to say anymore, just needed to let some stuff out. Sorry if you read this shit and I wasted your time. Sorry :sad:

    And love you too kells *huggles*
  7. Vitreledonellidae

    Vitreledonellidae Well-Known Member

    Ok just going to rant here, dont think people will read it anyway. Next thursday i'm going to france. I'm really freaking out, about something that probly sounds stupid to you... Its about my scale. I need my scale with me on holiday >.< I need to know my weight during the holiday. Maybe they have a scale over there, but I'm not sure about that. I just need my fucking scale. I dont wanna come home and suddenly see when I step on the scale, that I fucking gained fucking weight. It would be nice tho to see I lost some. But I cant take that risk, I'm on the scale at least 3 times a day, if i dont bring it with me, that are 2,5 weeks without my scale. I guess I will just hide in my back and leave some other stuff at home.
    Bleh, hear me, freaking out about a scale, I'm sorry.
  8. RainbowChaser

    RainbowChaser Well-Known Member

    :hug: We all have things like that I guess - I personally can't go too far without a toy of some sort, because I can't do the whole "alone" thing at all. It's the same sort of thing really.

    I hope you can find a way round this hunny, and have a nice trip :hug:
  9. Vitreledonellidae

    Vitreledonellidae Well-Known Member

    Thanks hun :hug:
  10. Hazel

    Hazel SF & Antiquitie's Friend Staff Alumni

    I'm sure you could bring your scale in your case, though they are quite heavy, (sorry no pun intended.) If not having them is going to ruin your holiday, then just go for it.
    I hope you have a lovely holiday.

    :hug: Hazel x
  11. Vitreledonellidae

    Vitreledonellidae Well-Known Member

    You're right hazel and rainbowChaser. I should just bring it with me. Tho i feel really retarded freaking out about a scale >.<
    Thanks or the support :hug:
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