Rant of Envy

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Krem, Sep 28, 2010.

  1. Krem

    Krem Well-Known Member

    Isn't this just lovely. Of the ~750 people whom I go to school with, I have found 2 which I could be interested in. One is my age, and I saw her the week we started. She looked lonely, without friends, did not look like a slut, I did not see her texting constantly, and she did not wear make-up. Then this guy finds her. He already has many friends. He befriended her. She's now texting, and "hangs" with other people. She has catched me looking at her, and she looks back. Neither looks away. She does not look worried, she does not look scared, nor disgusted. She doesn't smile, either.

    The other one came this year, a delicious little andro. S/he's exceptionally short, flat-chested, and almost goth. But, no, the Guy comes along, and befriends the andro. I saw him, today, lifting the andro up, and they could've been kissing, I'm not sure. (It's probably a she, the andro, but I can't be sure.) The Andro also started out alone and friendless, but now s/he's "hanging" not only with the other girls' friends, but with the metal-nerds. And with a douche, whom I can only describe as "care-free". He has also been with a girl whom I befriended, and has always been popular amongst women, and many boys. Wears a stupid hat indoors.

    The only boys who look like they could be homosexual? Complete fags. Annoying, uninteresting, and exceptionally stupid. Air-headed, loud, can't seem to 'slow' the fuck down. But of course this "energy" they radiate attracts fans and friends.

    And what do I have? Nothing. Even the 'special ed' children have more fun, and deeper relationships than I. Almost everyone I see has a good friend there. I just get to sit somewhere away, and stare. It's not a matter of intellect, looks, or humour- People who've more/better, and less/worse, are happier. With all combinations. Stupid and ugly, stupid and pretty, smart and pretty, smart and ugly. They all belong to some group of friends.

    Fairness, sure. In no aspect am I superiour to all of them- There are individuals who out-rank me in every aspect I have (Not all at the same time, thankfully). No social life, no friends, no joy, meh grades. What do I have to make up for it? What do I have to justify it? Shit all. I can't brag of my brain, for people have better brains, and joy as well. And my brain is all I have.

    But, hey, I'm being petty. I could be some twit in Africa, completely without education or future. They starve, watch those around them starve, while those who lord over them get fatter. Oh, wait, they have joy, too. They sing, dance, laugh, and care for each other.

    Alright, then. I could be some soldier in some shithole risking my life every day. Oh, wait, they have community, partnerships, and trust each other with their lives? They, too, are happier.

    But, what's joy worth? I have plenty of food, I have entertainment, I'm not being abused, I've.. some chance of a decent future. That's enough, right? Except that I'm not enjoying it, and that people who have the same, and better, have more joy in their lives.

    Hey, I'm not crying. I'm not in any real 'pain', that's true. But if I were, would I then not get a break in it? And would I then not call that joy? I'm not sure which is worse, pain or grey emptiness.

    "I am not a happy meal."