I joined this forum a while ago, but have just had need of it. All these people on here. Damaged, I guess, in some way, just like I am. Why? What is it that does this to us, cos sure as hell we don't do it to ourselves. Is society just too hard to live in for some of us, we cannot fit in in the context we are placed in? Are some of our brains just wired this way? To make us want to do the thing that is against every instinct of anything that lives? If it's simply biological, and if there is a God, why does he create us this way - to try us? How do we deserve to be tried in a way that most other people will NEVER be tried, or even fully understand? If there is no God, does it matter if we just happen to be broken - like it's just a wierd biological mistake that we feel this way - and does it have no cosmic resonance if we kill ourselves? Is it cowardice, like one of my closest friends thinks it is? Can we all go on and some of us are just too selfish or too weak? Or do we have a right to our own lives, and a right to expect people to understand just enough of how we feel to forgive what we want, and sometimes succeed, in doing? Do we have an obligation - to a God or to humanity (mortal and pointless or immortal and meaninful) - to make the best of our lives, to make a good change for others regardless of our own personal difficulties? Or is it ourselves that are the priority, and if we are the minorty for whom life is unbearable then are we excused from this "duty", and instead obliged to obey our own feelings and passions, despite their seeming inferiorty in relation to the life of someone who spends it helping others and not dwelling in self pity? I don't know the answers to any of these questions, and being torn between the desire and the guilt, the uncertainty of what is right for myself, is making me mad.