I'm sick to death of it. I'm sick of feeling controlled. I'm sick of being asked question by someone on a powertrip. I'm sick of having to justify myself. I'm sick of feeling like this. All my life i've felt controlled. Never been able to do what i want when i want. Never. I was always the one that had to be there. Had to be there in case. All i have ever done in my life time is be there for other people. Be there for them to walk all over me and treat me like shit. My own mother treats me like something she's stepped in. I have done nothing apart from be there for what she needed. There is no one to look after J. Apart from me. I have always done that. His whole life .... 10 years i have been the one looking after him. I had to grow up quick. S was never gonna look after him when mum need it. Nah he was fine to go out with his mate. Do what he liked. Treated people the way he need. Nick off people and take as many drugs as he could without giving a shit who he hurt. Did i have that freedom? fuck off did i. I get moaned at for doing one thing and then moaned at for another. I'm only fucking human!! i'm sick of being put down by you. You wonder why i have no fuckign self confidence and have social anxiety. Shall i tell you why that is?! It's because for the last 20 fucking years i've never been allowed to leave this house and even if i do i get the guilt trip! He controlled my mother. In my head he still has control over me. S had control over me. She has control over me. Now its going the same way with her. I can't take it. Emotionally i'm not stable to take it. I can't do this. It's got to stop. It has to stop or i stop this. Make the choice. Theres stuff in my head that NO ONE knows and no one will ever know. A small part of me knows i should tell the doctor. But i'm not going to. It's gone to far. I don't want the questions. I don't want the hassle. I don't want to be controlled. I don't want to feel suffocated. IT'S TOO MUCH MUCH! It's making me worse!! It's making the stuff in my head worse!! so back the fuck off! To anyone who read this out of sheer boredom or a chance to gain information to use on me later. Then you can go fuck yourself. I'm not gonna let you do it. I'm not gonna let you destroy me. I'll do it before you have the chance. And to anyone who's gonna give there bull shit concerns to me. Then don't bother. We both know that you couldn't give a flying shit about me or wether i was 6 foot under or not. I know your gonna put your bullshit replys saying 'i'm here if you wanna talk' We both know its bullshit and its a way to show everyone else that your doing the 'right' thing or another number on your post count. I don't need it. So shove it. Cos its all bullocks.