[rant] thank you mom and dad (trigger)

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by StarryNightSky, Nov 6, 2010.

  1. StarryNightSky

    StarryNightSky Well-Known Member

    might trigger some people

    Thank you mom and dad, for everything.

    Thank you for leaving me next to a steel post that was only an inch or two in soft, wet ground, when I was a baby. Thank you for not caring enough to get me help for my problems, even though something was obviously wrong. Thank you for not noticing I had tried to kill myself in the first grade, and a few times later. Thank you dad, for yelling at me when I cried, and thank you mom, for telling me how miserable I made you. Thank you both, for all the times you argued with each other, while I sat in the other room praying and begging that the next thing I heard wasn't one of you screaming in pain for help as the other beat or stabbed you to death. Thank you for sometimes doing that right before I went to school. Thank you for the time you went up stairs and started screaming and yelling at my older brother, and then he started crying, Please stop please while you hit him. Thank you for making me so afraid that when I did something wrong, I'd start to shake, and I'd punish myself before you could. Thank you dad, for calling me names, and thank you mom, for being such a manipulative liar. Thank you both for laughing at my pain, and for telling me you didn't care.

    :i'm sorry: I wasn't worth it. First chance I get, I won't bother you anymore :cry:

    sorry for posting so much.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 6, 2010
  2. japanlover

    japanlover Well-Known Member

    I would like to thank you for the good idea on the "thank you" deal. It feels perfectly when you are ranting about someone or a problem.

    If you are over 18, get out of that mess. It isn't worth the troubles it's putting you through. Believe it or not. Living on your own and being able to think without anyone else in your head, like your parents, is almost like being born again.
  3. StarryNightSky

    StarryNightSky Well-Known Member

    Almost 21, but the only way to escape right now is dieing. There's no where else for me to go.

    My parents, they're not nearly as bad as they used to be, and I owe them a lot, but I just hate living here with them. Sometimes I just get upset about all that we went through and how it could have been different. I want to escape.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 6, 2010
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    if you left made a safe space all of your own you will see how much better you feel.
    the poison still remains inside your heart your head leaving the toxic place behind is the only way to survive

    once you leave you will see just how much easier it is to breath
    to feel the air the sense of something new
    to see the life all around you
    i left i had to and all i can say it was healing okay
    you say they are better now
    but in your head it is not you need to get therapy a placeof your own
    it is sad when parents destroy not only themselfs but thier ones they are to love

    you can start somewhere new and you will see just how much you can love you.
  5. adamblast

    adamblast Member

    I hope you're able to keep your eyes open for *other* escape routes than the one you mentioned. Sure sounds like a tough situation, and a horrible way to grow up. I don't have any advice, but I'm touched by what you're going through. I certainly understand your anger and what it's like to feel trapped in an unsafe place. Thank you so much for sharing this with us, and wish I could do more. [HUGS] for what it's worth.
  6. japanlover

    japanlover Well-Known Member

    Blue, having the same feelings, but different situations led to the same ending, I understand completely. Do you have anyway to find work? a good bus network in your town? Do you have a job? Studio apartments are cheap right now.

    The only problem is if you want financial aid to go to school before you're 25.
  7. StarryNightSky

    StarryNightSky Well-Known Member

    I don't know if I can. If I leave, I'll be homeless. Can't get work because of anxiety.

    Probably will be kicked out soon anyway, I'd be gone in a week, free of feeling anything. Hope God forgives me.

    Thank you. Sorry it took so long to reply, not feeling good.
  8. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    your parents will never forgive themselves you say things are better with them now then go get help from hospital for your doctor depression can be treated but you have to make first step by asking your doctor for help You are an adult now okay you can ask you doctor for meds treatment to help stop the downward spiral
  9. StarryNightSky

    StarryNightSky Well-Known Member

    I can't :cry: it's hopeless, can't see a way out.

    Sorry, shouldn't have said anything.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 8, 2010
  10. japanlover

    japanlover Well-Known Member

    No no no. Anxiety is no excuse to not be able to do a job. I can do it, my brother can do it, you just need to find what you can do and not do. Work at mcdonnalds, become a grocery store stocker, work for a company as a yard worker, etc.

    You can then save up money and be free. :stars:

    Again... I know exactly what you're talking about. Depression, suicide, anxiety so bad you seem weird to others, your memory isn't that good, unable to concentrate, hands always clammy, maybe a little paranoid. I can continue to go on and on, think about what will solve the problem and not the problem.

    Getting a job, saving up money and moving into your own place away from the source of the problem will save you. You state many times it's your home that is causing the problem, well it's time to fix it. Screw meds, they don't work anyway.
  11. ~Heather~

    ~Heather~ Well-Known Member

    I find that getting a job actually helps a lot with anxiety. You're forced into doing things you normally would be afraid to. It honestly helped me get more comfortable with talking to people.

    Getting the job however may prove difficult but interviews really aren't that bad. Show them confidence even if you don't truly have it. Focus on this being you're only solution and not so much about how it makes you feel to ask for an application and talking to the manager.