I used to convince myself that one day I'd find someone who'd love me and that, that would make me happy. I was the guy who was always the friend and was never considered attractive. When I got my first girlfriend I felt amazing, I suddenly was able to question if I'd been wrong about myself. I felt like maybe life could be okay. When it ended a couple of years later, I was heartbroken and pretty messed up, felt like she was the only one who would ever have been right for me. I felt like shit again, but within a year got a new girlfriend and started feeling a little better. It wasn't as great as before, I think, looking back that I was just unable to cope with being single, I felt like it made me inferior to not be able to have a girlfriend, though I guess I didn't see it at the time. It also lasted a couple of years but by the end I don't think I really cared, I didn't feel much of anything. She ended up cheating on me and it hurt, I think I rubbed the salt into my own wounds though, that I forced myself to feel the pain of betrayal afterwards rather than the emptiness I had started to feel for fear that if I felt nothing now, then the whole thing had been fake. I think it was about now that I started to change from the idealistic boy I had been. I'd always sort of promised to myself, or at least wanted, to be the nice guy, to treat a woman right, to be romantic and caring and to be everything that my Mother and Father hadn't been to each other when I was growing up. I drunkenly managed to pick up her ex-housemate, a girl she hadn't really liked, I think it was partly to get back at her and partly because I just wanted sex. I regretted it and felt ashamed of myself, a little dirty I guess, especially after one night where I pretty much treated her like a *****, calling her over with nothing but a '' text, she left that night and I felt awful for the way I treated her. We hooked up since then and I think I made enough of a drunken fool of myself that hopefully she'll be able to remember the arse of myself over the way I treated her... It was a little while after that I had probably the last experience of strong emotions that I can remember. I was with this girl who sent me into a whirlwind of emotions. Love and passion like I'd never felt. I managed to initiate the whole thing, while sober, a first for me; kissing her in a romantic(ish) setting (it was dark and we were alone with a nice view of the city). I won't go into the details to greatly, but I felt as though she was cheating on me, she was staying alone in an apartment with an older guy she'd previously been having an affair with while she was home for the summer. I flipped out, couldn't not, don't think it could have lasted whilst I knew what had happened between them though... I still regret it ending, even if she had cheated on me. She called me weak and pathetic and made me feel.. well lots of things. But I swore that I would be stronger than I had been. I lost a load of weight, got into shape, started relearning how to fight (martial arts) and basically had a year that earned me a bit of a reputation for being a man *****. I just let go of my self respect, became uncaring, let my heart solidify and suddenly I didn't care if I was shot down. I relied on alcohol to give me faux-confidence and then just made a move on a girl after chatting to her for a while if she was enjoying talking to me. I was in a relationship again after that, but I knew it had a time limit and the whole time I just looked towards it. I don't know why I got into it. She was nice and a friend. It was good for the first 5-6 months but then I think it always is. I think I've become addicted to that portion of relationships. I feel like it always goes stale. Even my first relationship became like that by the end, does the feeling you have at the start even last? I've been in another for about a year now and I'm worried that it'll happen again. I started talking to this awesome girl the other night, she made my heart race, she made me feel excited and... basically strong and good emotions, something I don't feel often anymore. I feel like my heart is made of stone most days. Anyway I had a chance to kiss her, everything was telling me to. Instead I told her I had a girlfriend and pissed her off because I hadn't mentioned it earlier. I was very drunk though and most of the night is a blur... I think I may have kissed her... I sort of hope I didn't, not because I didn't want to, but because I don't want to be a guy who does that. I feel like the person, the man that I wanted to be has been lost, I can hardly remember what it was that I wanted to be anymore, all I know is that it wasn't really what I've become. I made the promise to myself after all the shit that happened when I was younger that fucked me up in the first place.. or maybe I was made to be this fucked up who knows. Maybe it's all the cutting I did when I was younger or all the drinking I do, the punching walls, my head, slapping and clawing at my skin, the forcing my hands into hot water, forcing my fingers down my throat, starving myself, forcing myself to drink liters of water, hiding myself away in my bed or sleeping with random women... I just feel like maybe I've been losing pieces of myself along the way and I've become so jaded I'm not sure I can ever pick them back up and make myself whole again... I wish I could love. If you read all that... sorry for wasting your time.