-rant- *Triggering*

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by tintin, Jan 13, 2009.

  1. tintin

    tintin Guest

    Touching me. I feel him in me. I beg for him to stop but he keeps on pushing. The deeper he gets the more it hurts. He groans, as I bite my lip to stop the tears. It feels like forever until he climbs off. Then he just pecks my cheek and walks out like there’s nothing wrong. I’m twelve years old. My mum is very poorly in hospital. My dad is visiting her, so he is babysitting. Nathan and Josh are upstairs in bed. I asked if i could go to bed too but he said no. He needs someone to keep him company. I hate having to keep him company. He always does the same things. The box comes out and there’s the bricks. I shudder as i look at them. I put my hand in the box praying for the blue one but no it’s the red one. He takes my clothes off and makes me lie on the bed. Then he enters me and my body sears with pain. I let out a yelp but once again biting my lip to keep in the tears. I’m not allowed to cry in front of him. Then it’s nervous. As soon as he touches my skin i say nervous but he doesn’t stop, he doesn’t stop till he’s reached his goal. It’s always the same charade the games then his time of pleasure, UGH even remembering it makes me feel sick. Feeling it in my mouth and hands. But the memories won’t stop. This is my only way to get them out. Write them out. Talk them out. Not think about them. Bit easier said than done. He soiled me. My childhood, my body. Everything. I’m never going to get that back. He made my life hell. I couldn’t grieve for my mum, i couldn’t act like any carefree child like others my age. I wasn’t normal. I was filth. His plaything. I didn’t own my body he did. He did whatever he wanted to do to it because i was too weak to stop him. That is what tearing me up. The feelings of blame. That maybe there was something i could have done, said to stop him. Then i wouldn’t be feeling like this. Those pictures wouldn’t be going through my mind. I can’t deal with all this stress. I cant eat and can’t sleep and things just seem to be getting added. I cant do with it. I’m eighteen years old. I should be able to. I’m an adult as everyone keeps telling me, i just don’t want to be. I want my childhood. Instead my childhood is full of memories of HIM. Him as the clown to make it more fun for me. Said him dressing as a clown gave me as much pleasure as it gave him. It just gave me a phobia of them.
    I wish i could stop thinking. No-one knows what i’m thinking about. I’d let people down if i told them. They don’t understand what its like to have your head playing a horror movie and your the main star. Except horror movies aint real, this is. I just want it all to go away. I want my wall back. The wall stopped everything. It stopped my emotions. It stopped people worrying. I just don’t know what to do. I want my mum. I want my dad. I want a new start. I want to forget. I want my childhood back. Most of all i want to be happy.
    I’m never going to be free of him. Physically i am but emotionally and mentally. Never. I have to be reminded of everything he did to me. day in day out. Is it a wonder i’m falling to pieces. I just want it all to go away..
    Fuck flashbacks. Fuck them. Fuck him. I can’t deal with this. People think i’m getting better. I just don’t see the point anymore. I can’t. He still controls me. not physically but mentally. I have to stop him doing that. It’s hard though and another fight. Too many fights. I’m tired. I just want to cry. Get it out. But stupid me can’t. I’ve fought crying for so long it’s alien to me. i can’t deal with a life like this. Isolating myself. Yes maybe not physically but emotionally i am. Mentally i am. How do i tell people how shit i feel? How? How do i worry them more? Its’ not fair! I’m selfish. That’s what i am. Selfish. People have lives. They can’t always help me, got to help myself. I’m eighteen. I’m not ready to be that adult. I can’t take control when everything is spiralling out. The pills are all stored up and how much more can i resist it. I don’t know. It’s tempting. Makes me forget everything. Thats me been selfish again. Got stop been selfish. Kirsty and Andy don’t need this. Don’t need a selfish niece. I have to think of them. And everyone else. People who’ve been there for me. have to do this for them.
    But if i cant do it, i’m letting them down. Again. I feel sick. Sick to the stomach. I’m tired and im scared. Im terrified actually. That this time i wont be strong enough to fight. Yes im fighting but so close to giving in. Im so very tired. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally. But till the flashbacks go i cant sleep. Till they go i cant eat. Because they make me feel physically sick. And i cant do it. I jsut cant.
    So yes im letting people down. Going to fail college because of this fact. Ont eating = fainiting. Fainting = ambulance. –sigh- i’ll have to eat. Cant let people down. Cant make them worry more than they do it’s selfish..
    UGH fucking flashbacks.
    How many times do i have to see him on top of me, feel him on me. remember the pain. How many fucking times! It was bad enough the first time he did it. The actual time but to see it repeated again and again. It’s not fair.
    What am i muddling on about...life isn’t fair. Thats why mum died and why he did that and why dad hates me. they all only have one thing in common. Me. maybe its me whose the cause of all this.. great another fucking thing to worry about. OMG i’m rambling on like hell but it seems to be helping.
    FLASHBACKS!... why is the human mind so evil it only lets you remember the horrible things. Why not the good. Who wants to remember over nd over again bad things. It will just make you feel shit. Why cant it be an equal balance then hopefully the good would cancel out the bad. But the mind doesn’t work like that. Meh.
    Frying pans... mum with a frying pan...hitting him...him dressed as an elf... need to keep thinking that. Get rid of the bastard. He’s out of my life. Just needs to leave my head now. Not going to happen though because i’m too weak. TOO weak. Got to get stronger don’t know how but have to get stronger. I feel sick. Constantly feel sick. Wont go away. Like a bad omen. Like the flashbacks. Exams in two days. How am i going to be successful in academic when all this is spinning in my head. So tired so very tired. Need sleep but can’t till flashbacks go. It’s a vicious circle. Rebecca you have got to stop doin this. Stop it girl stop it. Get a grip. Stop linking everything so it is your fault. Stop it. ...it’s just hard to stop it. Im so used to it. So used to people agreeing. How can i stop it? How?
    Im lost. Im tired. Im weak. I feel sick. i just don’t know what im meant to do. Keep fighting yes but with what strength.
    It’s not fighting now it’s planting roses... we did that for mum. In the back garden. They were beautiful. Dad killed mine though, said i didn’t deserve to have any part of you. He’s right. No he’s not. Meh. I dunno. I cant think. I cant stop thinking. My head is so messed up. All this sounds like nonsense jumping from one thing to another, what do i do? What? Im cold im sat outside and its cold. Making me numb though. Numbs good. Stops you feeling. Wish it stopped you thinking. Nothing does that except... but im fighting it. Dunno how much longer though.. so tempting. Give my mind a rest. Let me stop thinking.
    I sit and listen to what everyones got to say but i cant add my bit. It’s silly and childish. So i just listen and then it niggles at my brain. Doesn’t stop niggling. Never will. I’m going to shut up now. I feel like an idiot writing all this. Stupid Rebecca once more. When are you going to get a grip girl. It’s over forget it. Stop thinking bout it... wish it was that easy. I can’t stop thinking about any of it, him, the attacks. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I lost even though i won :S confuses me...i confuse me. i’m pathetic as the voice keeps telling me get a grip get over yourself. But i cant because it’s hard...so fucking hard! ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! I just want to scream. I want to bash my head on a wall to all these bastard flashbacks disintegrate. I want to sleep. I need to sleep. I need sleep for strength. I need strength to fight. What is the point trying to fight when i have no strength...
    Think positive about yourself people say...well okay lets see....ermmmm....i think i’ll do negatives first.
    I’m a failure, a disappointment, a screw up, an idiot, a nuisance, a pain, a burden, i have HORRIBLE hair, i have no confidence, i have no purpose except to be hurt, i’m useless, worthless,dirt,tramp,filth,ugly,stupid,selfish,pathetic,al loser,an outcast.....need i go on.
    Right now time for positives..ermmm..... i try.
    There... i found a positive. Negatives outweigh it though so that positive is pointless.
    Ohh another negative, science next >< i could really do without science today, im tired, im cold, i feel faint, i haven’t eaten and now im going to be made to feel like more crap. Ah well thats what im here for the butt of everyones taunts and abuse by feels of it.
    Can’t cope. Too much pressure. Losing friends. Losing grip and nothing i can do. Just want to fade away...no point fighting a never ending battle. Not battle anymore though. It’s planting roses...got to remember that.
    Sigh. I’m just going on in some mad hig fashion...jumping from one thing to another. Kind of like my head..jumping from one thing to another.
    im so sorry mum i want to give up stop pushing my probems on people who have enough to worry about it maybe i should just shut my mouth and slip away silently. No-one would notice. Sometimes I wish i could be as brave as Joe was and just end it all. Mostly mum i wish i was with you. I need you so much mum it hurts how much i miss you. stupid fucking me why am i so fucking stupid and pathetic. I just want to make you proud mum. You would never be proud of me if u could see me. I'm not allowed to talk about you i don't deserve too like Amy said i killed you with my looks. It's your anniversary soon I wont do anything though i dont wanna get in trouble. I'm sorry im such a loser mum, i mean it im sorry I just want my family to love me I want them to be proud. I want you to be proud of me. I'm not going to talk no more i will bottle it all up no-one needs to listen to my moans. I'm not important the issues arent important. I Love You Mum. I'm Sorry. I Miss You. I Want You. I Need You. I Love You So Much It Hurts. xxx R.I.P xxx
    Mum...thats a big thing thats weighing on my mind. Mum. How would she be about all this...i can’t help feeling that like dad she’d blame me . i gues she wouldn’t but its how i feel. I cant help how i feel. Can i?
    agh i hate me. me sucks. me is pathetic. me whines on and on about stupid shit to people. me needs a life. me needs to stop ranting and thinking it helps. me needs to punish herself me needs a slap or kick or something to knock sense into me. i need something to sort my head out.
    .this one big rant and it doesn’t even make sense. Just like my head no sense at all.
    Need my meds. God know what my blood pressure is going to be. Feel stressed. Feel like i’m a bottle that somones shook and as soon as the lid comes off i will explode. What with...tears. just tears.stupid pathetic.. unseen tears. Not supposed to cry not allowed...but he was the one whotold me that...got to break that habit.
    Fucking flashbacks.
    they wont stop i need them to stop,
    im going to fail all my exams coz i cant frickin concentrate.
    im a loser a big fat loser!
    rape... everyone says it jus a word... a taboo subject but how do thy no if thy aint been thru it? everyones like u shud tel someone but who wants to admit to ppl tht sum1 has tht power over thm. you dont. everyone has power over me. i try to please everyone then end up been hated by everyone... my mind sucks. Turns positives into negatives. Got to stop thinking.

    It doesn’t even make sense. This rant. Life. My thoughts. All muddled up. I just cant make sense of anything.

    Okay thats it going to give up this rant. I’m repeating myself too much. Thinking too much. Feeling too much. Hiding too much. Stressing too much. Cant do with it. Too tired. Too weak. And it’s too hard.

    Got to keep planting them roses though. Yes the soil may be tough sometimes but keep working at it and you’ll break through in the end... if only i could believe it.

    I’m sitting in my room. All my emotions are spinning around – trapped inside this body. Screaming to be let out. Been caged all day. All the tears kept in. all the words held back. Every smile pushes the sadness deeper, every laugh twists my mind in knots every second hiding makes me stronger turns them from fears into nightmares. Every push pulls them closer.
    All I want to do it scream. Scream and scream. Never stop screaming. But that can’t be heard. Can’t be hidden causes unwanted attention. Unworthy attention. I cry. The tears fall. Slowly trickle down my face. I curl up. In the corner I sit alone. No one to reach to. No one to hold my hand. No one to tell me everything is going to be ok.
    I tried reaching out and talking before failed, guilt made me believe I was selfish. Burrowed deep and set up camp. Twisted my mind.
    Now I back away from help. From the truth escaping. Lie to everyone. Save them from my fate. Keep it inside where it can’t hurt anyone but me. I feel the tears fall. Question myself. Curious for answers I search deep. To be left empty handed. There are no answers, just tears.
    After the tears dry up, still anger left in the deepest hole. Inside I boil. Bubbling rage, I lash out.
    Lash out on my arms. Slowly controlling the pain inside turning all the chaos into small red marks something I made consciously. All anger transformed. With a few scratches my anger is out. Out in the open with only one tug of the sleeve to hide it.
    Inside I am left numb. Empty. Hollow. All my emotions have escaped. And inside there is nothing. No happiness, no sadness just an echo resounding. Lying in bed. No thoughts left. Slowly drift off into a dreamless sleep. Nothing held inside. Nothing screaming to be let out. Nothing. Next day guilt eats me away. No mark left to the eye, protected by my sleeve, but through my eyes the marks are seen. They sear with pain. Burn into my skin. Glow through my sleeve. Reminding me. And as the day goes on as the guilt is joined by sadness. Fear. Hopelessness. Self – hate. Pain. And they spin about. Wreaking havoc. Filling every thought. Till all I hear is them screaming, screaming to be let out. But I cage them. Cage the tears. Cage the words. Cage everything. And unlock it at home where no one can see where it’s hidden. Where the tears are hidden. Where the cutting is hidden. Where the scratching is hidden. Where the truth is hidden. Where I am hidden from the world. Where I am protected. Safe.
    I don’t know. Just describes how i feel i guess.
    Rant over.

  2. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni


    becca. no one can really know rape unless they've been there.
    all i can say is, no matter what you hear, you could not have stopped it. it is a disgusting thing that those vile bastards and c u n ts do to us, but WE CANNOT DO ANYHTING ABOUT IT
    thats what abgers me about it.

    i love you

    your not alone
  3. tintin

    tintin Guest

    Thanks Emma.
    I just can't help feeling it :sad:

    Meh. I'm just been an emo bitch ignore me.

  4. The_Discarded

    The_Discarded Staff Alumni

    :hug: :arms:
  5. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    your not an emo bitch at all
    now if you were moaning over your dinner being cold or something and it ruined your life, i'd agree.

    but not this hun

    and i know its hard not to be preoccupied by it, its one of the main reasons i want to die, for the fact we'll never be free :( regardless of what happens. :hug: i completely understand this, and if i ever fine away to foget you'll be one of the first i'll tell huni :hug:
  6. tintin

    tintin Guest

    College counsellors gave me some ideas to stop flashbacks.. it doesn't help he still lives in MY house even if he has only done it once since I turned eighteen.


    -hugs- I'm sorry you went through it.
  7. Abacus21

    Abacus21 Staff Alumni

    Can't offer any words, Becca, but I can - if you want them, offer you hugs :hug:
  8. TBear

    TBear Antiquities Friend

    I cried for you as I read your entry...

    It was in NO WAY your fault!!!

    There are no words that can do justice to your pain...

    You had no one then and now you still have to face the rapist....

    I admire the strength you show to be able to continue through all you have been through! You have nothing to be ashamed of - your father certainly does!

    Keep venting to those who have the strength to hear and care...

    Your pain is horrible and the strength and beauty of your soul still shines through even when ranting...

    No one can damage that inner strength and beauty that is yours - I wish you did have the love and comfort of your mother with you..Just know there are many who will care if you allow them to.

  9. Spearmint

    Spearmint Well-Known Member

  10. tintin

    tintin Guest


    Thanks everyone.
  11. tintin

    tintin Guest

    You know what.. next time you want to accuse me and my friends of something look at the fucking facts and the next time you want to call someone a freak.. look in the mirror

    :mad: :dry: :mad:
  12. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    hmm just thinking of something you could do to him if he still lives in the house :dry: maybe put cat piss in his drink or something.

    he deservs a million times worse, but wouldnt you love to just walk up and start beating the crap out of him?

    i know i would :dry:

    :cuddle2: huni
  13. tintin

    tintin Guest

    Why do people NOT listen when you ask them not to do something?
    Fucking bastards...

    I tell them I'm pissed off yet they carry on..well done you fucking tosser. You made me cut.
    Bet your real proud of yourself. Shithead. :mad:
  14. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    :hug: becca

    Always here for you x
  15. Fern17

    Fern17 Well-Known Member

    Hi Becca,

    I'm new here. I just read your posting....WOW. Your story breaks my heart into a million pieces. That someone took your innocence and your light away from you is unforgivable of him. Words cannot describe what I would love to do to that CREEP if he was standing in front of me. You did not deserve this--not one bit whatsoever at all!!!

    I do want to say that your strength--though you may have a hard time feeling it or recognizing it--is very impressive. You DO have strength! You reached out to others; you share your feelings and anger and frustration...That takes strength! You are still here! That takes strength, too!

    You write very, very well. I know you wrote a stream-of-consciousness "rant" and it was still very well written and made me--the reader--feel like I was in your shoes. What you can do with the written word is a gift. If you do like to write, then do write--everything. Whether for others to read or not--writing can be very healing.

    Becca, you are a true inspiration. You may not feel like it, but you are. There are countless other girls and women who have been through similar waking nightmares and who continue to live through them. You have strength in you that shows the world that you are important and deserving of a good life full of love and self-worth.

    Thank you for sharing something so personal; so unbelievably painful on every possible level. You are incredible! :girlpower

    Big hugs,
  16. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Becca hun, your mother would have never blamed you for what happened. You were and in a sense still are the victim. She would be proud of you for finding the courage to go on and try to accomplish things with your life. Never blame yourself. There is nothing about you that made him do it. He was a sick man. There are things to help with the flashbacks, but you have to practice them over and over until they become habit. It doesn't just happen. maybe that is why they haven't seemed to work for you. I wish I could change what happened. I am glad you feel safe enough here to talk abot things. We are here for you. :hug:
  17. tintin

    tintin Guest

    I can't do it.
    Getting weaker and they look so tempting.. just to forget for a lil while.
    Alyson was all about "moving forward", gaining confidence, getting out there etc etc..
    The thought terrifies me. I'd rather just hide away where I know I'm safe.

    The questions today:
    "Did anything happen last week?" I replied no but apparently my face said different. I'm a rubbish liar. My face always gives me away. -sigh-.
    She's just trying to help and I am so greatful for all she has done but I want my wall back. I want to hide my emotions, hide me.. I felt bad today. She said she went home and beat herself up mentally thinking everytime we talk it makes things worse.
    It doesn't it helps... I just want my wall back though. When I said this to her she got offended.. I hate offending people.

    ...Must punish self later.

  18. Locket

    Locket Well-Known Member

    hun i know it's the hardest thing to face
    but you can't use the wall to get through it
    it doesn't help in the long run, even though it makes you feel better short-term.
    flashbacks are so frightening, i know, and it just feels like it's happening all over again but they go away, you have to remember they go away, and they get shorter and there are techniques to getting rid of them (i don't know any though)
    please don't hurt yourself! it was in no way your fault
    i know it's hard to eat and it's hard getting to sleep at night
    but you have to try for the sake of living, for others, for your friends and family.
    they want to help you, don't think they don't
    yes it's hard to rely on others and be dependent but it's the best thing in the long-run if you let them help you
    good luck hun :heart:
  19. tintin

    tintin Guest

    Fuck it

  20. tintin

    tintin Guest


    I can't lie to her. I can't