I'd been a disgrace. I'd acted a loser. Shamefully none which I wish to remember. To much has past for me to change... feel like a worst being without going to special measures. Let me tell you something seems disgusting, i have never tried to actively to seek out a friend. Not im shy but i was always bitter. I think something really ticked off me all this time. Now I'd rather not feel anything, immune to all that would bring some one else happiness sadness reason for anger blah blah the list goes on. I've also never tried to seek out a girlfriend, I dont know why i've this "unfeeling". Im not gay, but I think I just can not stand my life or being me. Perhaps because no one made me feel like Im not actually just taken up space, wasting resources. Or either that or they made me feel like I was born to be used directly or indirectly in some future time. None of this is good news, but im not fucking ok with any of it. It seems one more reason not knowing why the I should live another day and put up everything that is wrong, and that is being me. I see only one solution and is death, and even that seems pathetic, hmm just like=======me. It doesnt thrill me one bit. After all this im still that calm stupid *** whos never gonna be happy again. I just hope the, i wont take bitterness to the grave.