If I'm doing better, which I am I think, why do crappy thoughts come? Why are they so strong and overwhelming at the time?? They really take me over. And I'm tired of it. I'm tired of them. I'm tired of me. I get somewhere or think I am getting there. But nothing has changed. I'm alone and I'm very lonely. That won't change because of me. I'm also tired of saying I'm okay. I'm not sure that I am some days. But I'll lie, because in general people really don't want to hear the truth. Its one of those polite automatic questions which then gets a polite automatic answer. I think we all should be honest for a day. Imagine what would happen then? Chaos and many ruined relationships of all types, unfortunately. I just want to scream. I wish someone understood. I just wish she was here. This christmas stuff is making these days extremely hard. Sad, very sad.