Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Marshmallow, Jan 8, 2007.

  1. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    Anyone who clicks this I wouldn’t bother reading it, its not worth it.

    So the last 2 nights I’ve threatened to kill myself I REALLY wanted to do it. I had the method planned out, what to use and where in my room to do it. All I needed was the courage. I stuck around here wanting someone to trigger me and I came very close to it. I had people trying to talk me out of it. Saying its not worth it, how ironic that when their in the same situation they won’t let me do exactly what they did. People telling me not to worry, how can I not worry! You think its ok to worry about me but if I worry about you its wrong! Urgh it just does my head in. I can’t help caring about people. I care for people her a hell of a LOT more than anyone could understand. I would die for people here.

    I been freaking out nearly every night and Im not even sure why. I feel like I’m insane. I have thought that no one here knows. I didn’t even tell my psychologist. Maybe its college I dunno. Last year (July) was coming to the end of my second college year. So we had loads of assignments due in around one time, my way to cope with that was to OD on a daily basis. Now its getting to that point again, I KNOW that’s what I’ll go back to, I just know it. My body can’t handle the pills anymore, I’ve fucked up my inside but yet I know that in the next few weeks that’s what I’m gonna be doing soon. Only one person I’ve told that I wanna quite college and they said ‘no don’t be like me’ the point it theirs nothing wrong with you. Why should I stick at something that is causing be stress.

    I try to help people and I feel like I do no help whatsoever. Ever day I worry about people here. I just can’t help it. My head is so fucked up. I don’t know what I feel for anyone anymore, I thought I did now im not even sure and the problems is I know I feel a few things but I cant even say it. Fucking with my head day in and day out. Just dunno what to do anymore. I just wanna slip away un noticed. I been thinking of just using my other MSN account and not bother coming on my one anymore. Get a new number which im planning to do anyway so then ill have 2 number for the time being. That way no one can get in touch with me and then I can go away.
  2. BrokenPieces

    BrokenPieces Well-Known Member

    :hug:'s vikki...

    i care... and i know you care alot...
  3. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Sorry I haven't been around hun, just have so much shit going on at the moment that my ability to deal with anything has more or less gone out the window.

    But do know I'm still around and thinking of you. :hug: :hug: :hug:
  4. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    basically for me the same goes as for Dev, Vikki.

    I love ya loads and I'm thinking of you a lot. And I'm really sorry that I can't really be there for you at this very moment :sad: :sad:

    :hug: :hug: :hug:
  5. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    Im just gonna fade away. Push people away including you Ester, im sorry to have to do it. But its the best for everyone.

    I think im just gonna get a new MSN get my new number sorted out and just disappear i guess. Disappear from reality. ITS WHAT I NEED TO DO.
  6. LeaveMeAlone

    LeaveMeAlone Well-Known Member

    Geez I'm sorry vikki, you seemed so upbeat in chat before, I guess I read that wrong. Go see your support team at the college, they're there to help you, you might be able to get some extensions on some of your papers so the work load is spread out a bit more, or if you need to you can take some time off, and still be able to come back later and finish up. My uni has been really helpful, I've had councilling, leagal advice, I've been off for ages now because I haven't been able to cope, but we're probably going to sort something out with me going back just part time.

    You don't want to be ODing everyday, I know this sounds stupid, but you will kill yourself, and it probably won't be pleasant. You're reaching out to us because deep down you don't really want to die, you just don't feel like you can cope, well we'll help you anyway we can, and to start with that's a shoulder to cry on and some good advice.