Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Deathly Strike, May 15, 2007.

  1. Deathly Strike

    Deathly Strike Well-Known Member

    I really don't know where to go, so if you'll bear with me, I'd like to rant to you.

    For five years now I've had to hide the shame. I've had to deal with what you've done - what you did to me, and had to deal with the consequences. How could you do that to me? You don't even fucking know me you son of a bitch. And, yet, you did it. And why? Was it because I looked funny, or spoke funny? No, it was because I didn't give you one pound for your lunch. Why didn't I give it you? Because I needed it to get home, but instead I refused and got assaulted by you. How can you live with the fact that - because of you - I'm never gone my live my life like an ordinary person? You're an asshole. I hope you fucking curl up and die in a stinking ball of fire. Actually, let me save you the fucking bother; I'll curl up and die in a ball of fire, OK?

    I mean, thats what you want. Thats what I want, too. We'll both fucking win if I do curl up and die. However, I can't even fucking die properly. I take millions of pills in hope of ending it all, but I fall asleep and wake again. Fuck sake, do me one favour - take a knife to my throat, and slice it. I don't feel like living. I don't deserve to be living. After all, I'm nothing but a failure. I failed my GCSE exams. I failed my college course - twice. And now, well, I'm stuck in a dead-end fucking job. I hate it. Day in and day out of the same meaningless crap of being abused by some fucking ignorant, selfish customer - just for once, I'd like to be thanked. Even if its by you. Yeah, I saw you the other day - I saw you, and I froze and I panicked. People gave me looks, and when you started to walk towards me after seeing me, too - it was too much. I crashed into the private toilets, took the nearest sharpest object and I cut. Yeah, I cut deep. But guess what? I didn't feel relieved. I felt pain. Not in the arm. No, this was deeper. This was in the heart.

    Why don't you just fucking leave me alone to die? Attacking me once wasn't enough for you, so now you're mentally abusing me too. Well, congratulations, its working a treat. Not only do I often smash my hand into oblivion by punching the wall, but I now think I'm going crazy and, worst of all, I no longer have love for anyone. Not one fucking person is loved by me anymore, and I hate it. I want to love, and I want to be loved. But because of you, thats now gone and I'm a wreck. I'm put under supervision down at work incase I cut again - and believe me, you know I will, and I look forward to it.

    But, maybe, this time I'll go deeper.

    This time, I'll slice my throat right fucking open.

    This time, I'll die.
  2. Panther

    Panther Well-Known Member

    Can't really think of what to say to this and don't expect you'd want me to say too much anyway. I read about the various forms of abuse people have had and it's fucking horrible and I would probably quite like to do some damage to some of the perpetrators.

    I hope you somehow manage to hang in there, even if it's real hard. :hug:
  3. Deathly Strike

    Deathly Strike Well-Known Member

    I don't want to hang in here.

    I want to die, rot in hell, burn to pieces - anything to get me away from here, and this son of a bitch. I never deserved to be assaulted and I don't deserve to live either. I'm such an epic failure it's unbelievable - I'm a pathetic waste of space who doesn't deserve the chance to live.
  4. Deathly Strike

    Deathly Strike Well-Known Member

    Guys, I took more drugs and vodka last night. I feel really sick, but even more pathetic because, once again, I couldn't do it...
  5. Beret

    Beret Staff Alumni

    Antony Jay im very happy you survived your od again. Please hang in there. Is there any therapist, any friend or family member you could talk to? Please dont let depression taking over your life. We are here for you so please do not give up. You are in my thoughts and prayers :hug:
  6. Deathly Strike

    Deathly Strike Well-Known Member

    I've taken more this morning.


    Why can't I just fucking die!?
  7. lost_soul

    lost_soul Staff Alumni

    it's not your time to go. please hang in there. talk about the shit thats fucking you up. it is fucked up at first, you'll feel worse for a little while,but you will start to feel better. i've had to deal with some shit myself, it took a long time, but i'm doing a lot better than when i was younger. abuse of any kind is wrong. i'm sorry it happened, but in the long run it will make you a stronger person if you deal with it, talking and or writing about it helps. please try it for the sake of your sanity.
    when it comes to cutting and punching things. at the time i feel better, it relieves the pain for a little while. i've broken all my knuckles, both wrists, and half of the bones in my hands at one time or other. it may seen like it helps, but it doesn't. i've been fighting with my demons since i was like 5 years old.
  8. Deathly Strike

    Deathly Strike Well-Known Member

    I punch things and kick things all the time, and it doesn't fucking help. I smashed my bedroom mirror the other by smashing my arm right through it and even though it felt good having blood spray everywhere - it just didn't help. Its like I want more than just cuts and drugs - I want death, and I want it now.

    I really, really, really do wanna die.