Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by UpForAbbey, Jun 21, 2008.

  1. UpForAbbey

    UpForAbbey Guest

    i feel ignored. there was a time in my life that i had a lot of people that cared about me, and i thought i cared about them too. turns out the only two people who actually gave a shit at all was a twelve year old and an alcoholic. i also used to think that there was something out there for me, that i had some sort of devine purpose. i worked my ass off in high school, and i have an extreme bias towards people who go to harvard or yale or princeton, people who have the ability to go wherever the want and as far as they want. life ended for me a long time ago. the extent of my ability is high school. you think community college is easy, right? apparently it's middle school work. great for you, i hope you go far in life. unfortunately some of us can't, and never will. dropping out of community college is like giving up entirely. im not smart. im not some sort of amazing person that will ever change this world. im not even someone who will begin to accomplish that. i have no desire to live, no desire to do anything. this is the end of my rope. why hold onto it for the rest of my life? theres nowhere for me to go. i will rot away. someone else deserves life, here, much more than i do. im stupid. everything everyone said about me was true, kids may be mean but they aren't entirely idiots. i am worthless. there is a reason why people stopped caring, and its because i stopped. people ask me all the time 'why are you here'. people come here for help, don't they? i dont want help. i hoped that this would be different. a place where you were encouraged to let go, to fall backward with your arms outstretched and your eyes closed, but no. what i got was a place where some people actually gave a shit and where if you asked to talk, someone was there to listen. is this what i wanted? what i really wanted? of course not. i wanted methods, i wanted easy. what i got was loving, caring, kind people that made it so hard to do what we all want(ed) to do. we're all here for a reason, right? whether it be your brother did it, or you wished you had. or maybe you just wanted a word from a friend, a hand in support. there was a reason you stayed here, five minutes, an hour, a year. five. we are all here, and we all want the same thing, in the end. in my signature, "there is more desire for love and affection in this world than there is for bread". think about it, really think about it. i fall under the typical stereotype of people like me, we just want a fucking hug once in a while. i don't care much for being touched, but once in a while it would be nice to hear that someone hears me, someone sees me. at this point, i truly am babbling, and I could care less. no one is obligated to read this, and frankly, sometimes i wish no would would ever hear what i have to say, because is it honestly that important to anyone? do i really matter to more than five or so people? have i really changed anyone? have i changed the course someones life for the better? for the worse?
    am i meant to stay here much longer?
  2. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    Hun, i don't know what to say. I said all i could last night. Stop and think about this? I'm guessing you found SF by looking for methods. Guess what .... so did i. So did most of the people here. We're obviously finding something here that is helping us, maybe it can help you too? Yes i've know people who it hasn't helped and they did take their own lives but please don't be one of them. Think about what you told me about Courtney. You said she asked you why she can't do it if you did? What do you think she'll do if you do it. Think about it. You love her, i can see that. You've gotta be strong for her.

    How many times have you told me that you love SF! i've lost count! It's too late .... people here do care about you. Me included! In the few weeks, even days! i've grown to care about you a lot. I think your amazing, i mean who else could i argue about britain with!! plus i need you around for reccomendations on films! lol

    and btw, the shit heads who called you stuff at school are the stupid ones. I wish you could see that. I'd take a baseball bat to theirs knees if i could! grrrrr

    You know where i am if you ever need to talk :hug:

  3. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    You abbelicious are an extremely sweet and gifted person. You have the gift of making people smile, making them laugh, making see the lighter side of things. You have made me feel welcome when I have felt so unwelcome lately. You are a beautiful and wonderful girl.

    From this read life has not been easy for you. It's been a whole crap load of struggles and from what you told me the other night I can't blame you for wanting the struggles to just stop. You know where I am abbs if you want to vent, rant, or just shoot the breeze.

    You are a bright spot in a very much darkening place. Stay sweet.