i feel ignored. there was a time in my life that i had a lot of people that cared about me, and i thought i cared about them too. turns out the only two people who actually gave a shit at all was a twelve year old and an alcoholic. i also used to think that there was something out there for me, that i had some sort of devine purpose. i worked my ass off in high school, and i have an extreme bias towards people who go to harvard or yale or princeton, people who have the ability to go wherever the want and as far as they want. life ended for me a long time ago. the extent of my ability is high school. you think community college is easy, right? apparently it's middle school work. great for you, i hope you go far in life. unfortunately some of us can't, and never will. dropping out of community college is like giving up entirely. im not smart. im not some sort of amazing person that will ever change this world. im not even someone who will begin to accomplish that. i have no desire to live, no desire to do anything. this is the end of my rope. why hold onto it for the rest of my life? theres nowhere for me to go. i will rot away. someone else deserves life, here, much more than i do. im stupid. everything everyone said about me was true, kids may be mean but they aren't entirely idiots. i am worthless. there is a reason why people stopped caring, and its because i stopped. people ask me all the time 'why are you here'. people come here for help, don't they? i dont want help. i hoped that this would be different. a place where you were encouraged to let go, to fall backward with your arms outstretched and your eyes closed, but no. what i got was a place where some people actually gave a shit and where if you asked to talk, someone was there to listen. is this what i wanted? what i really wanted? of course not. i wanted methods, i wanted easy. what i got was loving, caring, kind people that made it so hard to do what we all want(ed) to do. we're all here for a reason, right? whether it be your brother did it, or you wished you had. or maybe you just wanted a word from a friend, a hand in support. there was a reason you stayed here, five minutes, an hour, a year. five. we are all here, and we all want the same thing, in the end. in my signature, "there is more desire for love and affection in this world than there is for bread". think about it, really think about it. i fall under the typical stereotype of people like me, we just want a fucking hug once in a while. i don't care much for being touched, but once in a while it would be nice to hear that someone hears me, someone sees me. at this point, i truly am babbling, and I could care less. no one is obligated to read this, and frankly, sometimes i wish no would would ever hear what i have to say, because is it honestly that important to anyone? do i really matter to more than five or so people? have i really changed anyone? have i changed the course someones life for the better? for the worse? am i meant to stay here much longer?